Purposeful Grace

I don't know what or who I'm looking for.

I feel so lost. I don't even know who I am anymore; it seems the only glue keeping me together these days is sheer will power.

What am I good at it? Oh, this and that. What am I passion about? I don't even know, but I know what other people would tell you. What do I want? I wish I knew. What should I be doing with my life? This answer seems to differ with every person you talk to, but as far as me knowing, I feel like an eternal disappointment.

And I'm sitting here reading the genealogy of Jesus and crying.

"And Abraham was the father of Isaac"  - Abraham who waited on God's promise for so long and then, in a sense, gave up so close to it's fulfillment.

"Isaac the father of Jacob." Isaac who lied to the king, leaving his wife to fend for herself, in order to save his own life.

"Jacob the father of Judah and his brothers" Jacob who pretended to be somebody else to get an inheritance and ran when he got scared.

... "David the father of Solomon (by the wife of Urriah)"

"Solomon the father of Rehoboam." Solomon who had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. Wives and concubines who "led him astray."

"Rehoboam the father of Abijah." Rehoboam who refused to heed wisdom and chose to heed that which suited his own desires.

The more I look at that list, the smaller I feel. I have  no idea who I am anymore, but I do know grace.

"Joseph, the husband of Mary, by whom Jesus was born, who is called the Christ. "

Out of wholly messed up people, many of whom probably never even knew what purpose their life was playing, came a King to eternally and wholly rescue people from bitter slavery. Each person, amidst their wretchedness, was used like a grand paint stroke. And in all of those paint stroke's unpredictability came something so astounding words fall away.

Jesus who is called the Christ.

My life feels like an utter disaster with no purpose. But my feelings don't define what my life is. Though all I've been crying to God lately is, "I can't do this anymore," what I do know is God is intricately etching my life to fit into His picture. When I finally reach home and see this story without all the fog, I know I will sob seeing His heart and fingerprints sloshed over every second of my life. Knowing then that He was always preparing me for the part I will always play in His freedom song.