Is there no middle ground, no path that weaves its way on both sides?
I have been wrestling between calloused commitment and fervent spontaneity. I'm trying to see the life God longs me to walk into and I'm just as frustrated as the day I started searching. Let me explain.
I grew up in a conservative church ... very conservative. I learned the value of being committed to God, doing what was right and worked hard to maintain that standard. I wanted my life to be set apart, not always for the right reasons (I often long for the praise of people), but I always questioned the lack of zwang and newcomers in our church. We were living lives differently than those around us, but our lives, or how I saw them, were not overflowing with life.
Then I went to Bible School. And as difficult as some of those days were, Jesus became ridiculously real to me. He became a sturdy foundation in my steadily changing world and I fell in love with that incomparably faithful companion. There are innumerable people who made an impact on me there and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to express how important that time was in setting a course for my life.
And yet even here in this place of growing and changing, I still longed for an active expression of worship. I longed to be around people that not only knew who Jesus was, were committed and grateful towards Him, but who were also radically in love with Him - so in love with Him that they were able to express it in more ways than doing the right thing.
When I moved back home, my heart slipped into devastation. In this devastation, I needed to be around people who felt Jesus, actively listened to His voice, and believed that He was still the same God He was in Bible times. I started attending a pentecostal church in the midst of this need and again I cannot even begin expressing how thankful I am.
In this place, I, almost weekly, am in awe of how precisely God speaks to the needs of my heart. I have been brought into a family of people I love more than I can express and I have been more encouraged than I could express being around people who believe in God radically (i.e. He is still very much the same God who performed miracles in Bible times).
Now that you know the background, we come to the problem. In a word, commitment and spontaneity. In this pentecostal church, feelings are a part of worship and I stand behind this. Feelings are a part of us and I believe even they should be directed towards my King. However, when feelings leave, I feel like many (not all by any stretch) of the people around me walk back into the life they were living before. I long for the depth, unwavering commitment and a constant digging into what God's Word really says. This is the spontaneity side.
However, on the commitment side, I am constantly frustrated with the fear. The fear of looking ridiculous when all we should be doing is worshiping our King with complete abandon. The fear of actually taking the God who did ridiculous, unfathomable things in the Bible at His word and living such a life that He is able to do these things in your own life. I long for people to be in wholehearted love relationships with Jesus. This is the commitment side.
Is there a middle ground? Is there people who take the pieces of both sides? Oh how I long for it. My roommate suggested such a thing would be a perfect church and henceforth would most likely only be found in Heaven. :p ... Probably right.
How do we make our lives the good soil that Jesus spoke of - the soil that allowed the plant to have deep roots and an abundance of fruit. On the pentecostal side, the fault (in my mind) that one might run into is the seed on the rocks. God's word is received with joy, but when hardships come, with a lack of roots, the plant (i.e. their faith) withers up and dies. On the conservative side, the fault (in my mind) you might see is the weeds - the cares and worries of this life sucking the life out of the plant.
All I want for myself and the church is to have that life that Jesus described - one that hears the word, retains it and by persevering produces a crop. How do we get there?
