With You

I like repetition; I treasure consistency ... but then I started walking through life with you.

I like the routine, I don't mind not being seen, but then I met you.

You have thrown my life into complete disarray. Every corner of myself has been lit up with such overwhelming life all I can do is be swept in.

You are all I want. You are all I need.

Where did you come from? I can't see where we started, but I can't imagine life without you. Life, Rapha, Peace. Names that invoke deep memories. Deserts of agony that only serve as reminders of your goodness in a faithless world.

I have never met anyone who longs for my good as much as you do. Strength in these storms, my crevice in the war, my hope in the midst of a black night, resilient joy in overwhelming pain. My words serve as but a faint picture, a piece of us.

You are more than anyone I have ever met and I would rather be with you than anyone else. I never knew what commitment was until you gave it to me. Love seemed but a trivial word until Yours showed me what it was.

Only You fill my soul. I love being loved by You.

-ash

Glimpse into my unfinished book

Fire turned water

Desolation becoming eternal hope

Bitterness lost in irrepressible joy

But for me,

Life destroyed for death

Hope crushed by vice

Joy slaughtered in lust

How long will You remain silent?

Speak and I will listen.

 Though I wait, no sound I hear

Will your voice forever abate?

Yet this I call to mind

And therefore I have hope

Because of His great love, we are not consumed.

He has promised and will come

Delving streams in the wasteland

Avenging what was lost.

 

Cease striving and know, my soul

Even amidst this desert

He has come

Sometimes

Sometimes, everything I do makes me miss you. Sometimes, I fall into a pit of self-hatred because I don't know what I did to make you leave. Sometimes, I cry because I feel alone without you. Sometimes, I forget only to be reminded. Sometimes, I feel ridiculous that it's taking me so long to work through this.

Sometimes, I am broken again only to be healed again. Sometimes I fall back in this pit only to be lifted out again.

Oh friend, I could never express how much my soul has missed you since you left. I could never explain how many times I've wished something could change. How many times I've examined my heart, body and mind to find what drove you away.

But it's in these times, that Jesus comes ... into these moments where I see how broken I still am. He holds me in truth when I am overwhelmed by these lies pounding me to the ground. He picks me up when I feel suffocated underneath these waves of self-hatred.


I feel so many things that aren't true.

I feel unwanted. But Jesus says, "ashlee, my darling, I want you so much that I died to have you with me."

I feel ugly. But Jesus says, "You are precious and intricately woven together. Your beauty is extravagant not because of people's notice, but because I have made you that way."

I feel like I'm not enough. But Jesus says, "Come into my arms just the way you are because you fit and are loved just the way you are."

I feel like I need to prove myself to the people around me. Jesus says, "Rest. Come to Me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls."

I feel alone. Jesus says, "I will never leave or forsake you."

Your departure has driven me insane; it has broken my heart deeper than I thought you could. But your departure has led to the most incredible life I've ever lived. Jesus has walked beside me, bringing life into my living. Because of your rejection, I have had the strength to try things that scare me. My life is radically different and more extravagant than I ever thought it could be and strangely enough you're the one who started the fire. I wish it had started some other way and that you were still here, but I can't wish those kind of things. I am choosing again to walk in this new life and look ahead instead of wallow in my yesterdays.