Have you ever got something you'd been waiting for and found out it
required a whole new mindset and a good deal of challenges you didn't
know about?
If you'd read my blog, it would be easy to
see that I was struggling through being single and trying my best to
live in God's best while wishing I was living anything but the life I
had. As the older and wiser know so well, things can change quickly and
they did. With no warning, Joshie came into my life and within a year
and a half we had started dating, gotten married and had a baby. Both of
us seem to be handle change fairly well so we have dealt with it well.
But
now that more time has passed and we've settled into routine, new sets
of challenges have come up that I never even knew would be a thing.
1.
Loneliness - This is one of the weirdest ones, but I think a lot of
other moms would relate. Between working part time and making sure my
little girl stays on a good napping and sleeping routine, I am rarely
able to go out and spend time with my friends. ... which who thought
that would be a thing? It is easy for me to get into a funk of either
working too hard at things that don't have to be done so I don't have to
deal with my feelings or I let myself feel miserable. How do you work
through this kind of thing? Things aren't going to change in the
foreseeable future so how do you learn to accept loneliness will be a
thing, but not be overtaken by it? How do you not feel sorry for
yourself and choose to love where you're at with the challenges and the
good things?
2. Feeling a lack of freedom - I run on
someone else's time schedule. I am able to be out as much as their
little stomachs can handle and base when I can go (or even if I can go)
on their sleep needs. We can travel, but it's a LOT more work and prep
planning ... and with all the effort that goes into it, I'm much more
apt to just stay home. I'm learning to take all these things in, but
it's been a learning curve that frustrates my "me" wants (not needs) ...
which is probably a good maturity step for me.
3.
Feeling like I'm not contributing - After being single and living on my
own for quite awhile, I often struggle with not "providing" for my and
my family's basic needs. I do work a little, but it helps only so much
... and I may not be working at all with a new baby coming soon. I can
feel guilty and lazy for not "making money" even though I am completely
opposed to the option of putting our kidlets in daycare (I want to be
with them). It's hard to learn to let someone take care of my financial
needs. I know Josh wants to and I know it's in his nature to protect us
in this way, it is just so different from what I had gotten used to. I
need to learn to trust and let people ... esp. Josh take care of me.
4.
Always having things everywhere - this is another odd one, but after
living with just me, I was used of putting something away and having it
stay there until I needed it again. Now that, I live with Josh (my
sometimes forgetful spouse), 2 kidlets and a baby on the way, I can put
away and clean all the time and turn around and find another bunch of
things lying everywhere (unless I clean when people are sleeping).
Having things everywhere used to be a trigger for me to feel chaotic and
led to me not being able to focus, feeling anxious, etc. Although I
still spend too much time cleaning and putting and reputting things
away, I am learning to relax and just be in the mess. As Josh so wisely
points out, am I letting myself be controlled by my surroundings or am I
learning to adapt myself to thrive in my surroundings.
5.
An intense heightened fear of death/major sickness - when it was just
me, I would get sad at the thought of dying or having some sickness come
into my life. But the sadness was not nearly so hefty in the light of
getting to finally be face to face with Jesus. Since marrying Josh, I
have often had to fight through a now intense fear of something
happening to me or him ... and now to our kids as well. I haven't come
to a conclusion about how to face this other than to choose not to think
about it (which may just have to be my solution). I cannot mentally or
emotionally handle the thought(s) of Josh and my kids having to try to
work through life without me ... and I don't say this feeling like I'm
some superstar, I say it knowing there would be a huge, unfillable void
in their lives. It's not that I don't believe God wouldn't bring joy
into their life and bring people in to take care of them, it's that you
just need your mom and no one (no matter how awesome they are) can fully
take the place of your birth mom (and I say this as a step mom). And
Josh oh man ... neither of us can really deal with the thought of losing
the other; I feel like I would actually go insane and I think the same
might be true for him too. And our kids, ey yi yi, I actually get
nauseous at the thought of them being hurt or having anything major
wrong with them ... I get into near hysterics when I think about them
not being with us ... So I have been choosing to not even think about
death or sickness right now. I don't know how to deal with the thoughts
and I don't know what God would do to push this fear out of me; right
now, not living in fear means not thinking about what ifs. ... Is that a
long term solution, probably not, but it could be a long term solution
until something actually happens.
I love the life
I'm living; I love being with Josh and our kids and wouldn't change one
thing about what has happened in the past few years. I am so thankful
that I get to spend my everydays with someone who I care about so much
and I love being able to talk to the same person about all of the random
things that happen through regular days. I love waking up and cuddling
my baby or hearing my step son learn to read ... there are so many
things I L.O.V.E. I am so thankful to be in this spot, but I was a bit
blindsided by random challenges I hadn't thought of before. On the other
hand, I now have a physical person with me who doesn't let me wallow
and pushes me to work through things whether I want to (which is seldom)
or not so maybe the challenges will lessen (or change) as more time
passes. We'll see.
