Purposeful Grace

I don't know what or who I'm looking for.

I feel so lost. I don't even know who I am anymore; it seems the only glue keeping me together these days is sheer will power.

What am I good at it? Oh, this and that. What am I passion about? I don't even know, but I know what other people would tell you. What do I want? I wish I knew. What should I be doing with my life? This answer seems to differ with every person you talk to, but as far as me knowing, I feel like an eternal disappointment.

And I'm sitting here reading the genealogy of Jesus and crying.

"And Abraham was the father of Isaac"  - Abraham who waited on God's promise for so long and then, in a sense, gave up so close to it's fulfillment.

"Isaac the father of Jacob." Isaac who lied to the king, leaving his wife to fend for herself, in order to save his own life.

"Jacob the father of Judah and his brothers" Jacob who pretended to be somebody else to get an inheritance and ran when he got scared.

... "David the father of Solomon (by the wife of Urriah)"

"Solomon the father of Rehoboam." Solomon who had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. Wives and concubines who "led him astray."

"Rehoboam the father of Abijah." Rehoboam who refused to heed wisdom and chose to heed that which suited his own desires.

The more I look at that list, the smaller I feel. I have  no idea who I am anymore, but I do know grace.

"Joseph, the husband of Mary, by whom Jesus was born, who is called the Christ. "

Out of wholly messed up people, many of whom probably never even knew what purpose their life was playing, came a King to eternally and wholly rescue people from bitter slavery. Each person, amidst their wretchedness, was used like a grand paint stroke. And in all of those paint stroke's unpredictability came something so astounding words fall away.

Jesus who is called the Christ.

My life feels like an utter disaster with no purpose. But my feelings don't define what my life is. Though all I've been crying to God lately is, "I can't do this anymore," what I do know is God is intricately etching my life to fit into His picture. When I finally reach home and see this story without all the fog, I know I will sob seeing His heart and fingerprints sloshed over every second of my life. Knowing then that He was always preparing me for the part I will always play in His freedom song.

Confused Frustration

Is there no middle ground, no path that weaves its way on both sides?

I have been wrestling between calloused commitment and fervent spontaneity. I'm trying to see the life God longs me to walk into and I'm just as frustrated as the day I started searching. Let me explain.

I grew up in a conservative church ... very conservative. I learned the value of being committed to God, doing what was right and worked hard to maintain that standard. I wanted my life to be set apart, not always for the right reasons (I often long for the praise of people), but I always questioned the lack of zwang and newcomers in our church. We were living lives differently than those around us, but our lives, or how I saw them, were not overflowing with life.

Then I went to Bible School. And as difficult as some of those days were, Jesus became ridiculously real to me. He became a sturdy foundation in my steadily changing world and I fell in love with that incomparably faithful companion. There are innumerable people who made an impact on me there and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to express how important that time was in setting a course for my life.

And yet even here in this place of growing and changing, I still longed for an active expression of worship. I longed to be around people that not only knew who Jesus was, were committed  and grateful towards Him, but who were also radically in love with Him - so in love with Him that they were able to express it in more ways than doing the right thing.

When I moved back home, my heart slipped into devastation. In this devastation, I needed to be around people who felt Jesus, actively listened to His voice, and believed that He was still the same God He was in Bible times. I started attending a pentecostal church in the midst of this need and again I cannot even begin expressing how thankful I am.

In this place, I, almost weekly, am in awe of how precisely God speaks to the needs of my heart. I have been brought into a family of people I love more than I can express and I have been more encouraged than I could express being around people who believe in God radically (i.e. He is still very much the same God who performed miracles in Bible times).

Now that you know the background, we come to the problem. In a word, commitment and spontaneity. In this pentecostal church, feelings are a part of worship and I stand behind this. Feelings are a part of us and I believe even they should be directed towards my King. However, when feelings leave, I feel like many (not all by any stretch) of the people around me walk back into the life they were living before. I long for the depth, unwavering commitment and a constant digging into what God's Word really says. This is the spontaneity side.

However, on the commitment side, I am constantly frustrated with the fear. The fear of looking ridiculous when all we should be doing is worshiping our King with complete abandon. The fear of actually taking the God who did ridiculous, unfathomable things in the Bible at His word and living such a life that He is able to do these things in your own life. I long for people to be in wholehearted love relationships with Jesus. This is the commitment side.

Is there a middle ground? Is there people who take the pieces of both sides? Oh how I long for it. My roommate suggested such a thing would be a perfect church and henceforth would most likely only be found in Heaven. :p  ... Probably right.

How do we make our lives the good soil that Jesus spoke of - the soil that allowed the plant to have deep roots and an abundance of fruit.  On the pentecostal side, the fault (in my mind) that one might run into is the seed on the rocks. God's word is received with joy, but when hardships come, with a lack of roots, the plant (i.e. their faith) withers up and dies. On the conservative side, the fault (in my mind) you might see is the weeds - the cares and worries of this life sucking the life out of the plant.

All I want for myself and the church is to have that life that Jesus described - one that hears the word, retains it and by persevering produces a crop. How do we get there?

Belonging

Seems like I'm always ready to write late at night. Must be the inner artist coming out ... jk.

Tonight at this moment, I'm sitting here wishing for you - wishing you would notice, cherish and delight in me. But as this moment passes, I'm starting to realize something else: I already am.

Sometimes, it seems the entire world is on a mission to be noticed, cherished and loved. Each one looks to the surrounding people, things and ideas to prove one thing - we are worth the notice, we are worth the time. Oh how I wish they would consistently fill this longing, but my experience has shown me otherwise. Each idea, thing, and even person can't love us as deeply and furiously as we wish. That person doesn't stand up to defend us when our name is slandered. That idea fails to comfort us when we fall to the ground in despair over senseless acts of rage the day before.

Though I tend to look for affirmation in  all three options, the one I fall prey to most often is people. I seem to daily forget the weaknesses of yesterday and forge forward to put my desire for deep, flawless love on them. However, I've come to notice something. People, even the best ones, have a tendency to let me down.

I have tried to let people fill me; I have desperately held them against a standard hoping against hope they will love me the way I want to be loved. Hoping they can wholly forget themselves and their own ideas to simply love me exactly where I'm at. As of yet, no one has been able to fill this goal because I've come to see - they're just as, if not more, heart-broken, lonely and afraid as I am.

We can't love people the way they want to be loved because we don't even know if we're loved. How can someone fulfill my heart's longing for love if their own heart is only half full.

But in the midst of this life, I've met someone else. Someone different.

His every fibre loves me more purely, more wholly than every other idea and thing I had put together. I wish I could explain this person to you, but I don't think I can. His name is Jesus or the One who sees or Healer, I could write story after story depicting pieces of how different He is, how totally breath-taking He daily proves Himself to be, how utterly committed He is to me. But...

I think He wants you to know Him; I don't think He wants you to keep reading someone else's story. He wants to etch your own journey.

Brave

I have started to feel like God has made a habit of pushing me 10 steps farther than I'm ready.

Tonight, I drove past an accident and the fleeting thought I couldn't escape was, "Those people need someone to pray for them."

Do you ever hear that voice and almost immediately feel throat strangling fear fill your entire body? I nearly started crying, in my heart I wanted to obey, but in my flesh I was so scared. Scared of saying the wrong thing, scared of stepping into a place I shouldn't be, scared of bringing more pain into a situation that was already grim.

I wrestled through these thoughts as I drove home and decided to walk over. But by the time I got there, the ambulance drove away with the lights off.

And there I stood overcome with grief. What would have happened if I was brave enough? Would this family be sitting on the side of the highway praising God for His miraculous healing? Would there be people with hope that minutes before had none?

Nothing I had done the week before seemed to matter anymore. I have seen God work in people's lives while I was in my comfort zone, but I almost didn't care. It didn't matter that I don't feel ready to step into things like this or that I long for someone to walk with me into these things. The only thing that mattered was that I had stepped away.

Seconds before, I was verbally speaking God's promises over my life. You see, these months have been hard, harder than I thought I could handle. And today I was swimming in a pool of despair. In the midst, I was reminded of my dear friend's words to verbally speak God's truth when we most need to know it. So that's what I started doing, I was driving shouting promises to myself and in the process was finding my whole heart attitude changing.

And then I got scared. In the midst of me finding truth for myself, I could have given it to someone else. But I kept it for myself. Nothing would seem better than for me to let myself be overcome with guilt and to be honest, I feel that is what I should, logically thinking, do. But I don't think that's what walking forward is about.

"Can I help you become brave?" Those are the words of someone who always pushes me harder than I think I can go. Someone who loves me enough to let me fail on the way to becoming who I was always created to be. Someone who always brushes the dirt off my face and helps me start walking again.

I love Him.

A Resolve

So this past week, I have been wrestling with my constant lack of notice and the seeming forever hopelessness of my single state. I would rather just be done with the struggle and I believe it will break through by next week, but right now I am still wrestling.

This morning, however, I had a breakthrough. I have been longing to have someone along side of me to adventure and jump headlong into the abundant life God has placed in front of us. But Jesus asked, "ash, are you willing to give up your adventure for the person. What do you want more?"

After mulling, I realized something - I wasn't. I think a huge reason for my singleness is that I have been unwilling and when I have been willing God always lets things fall through.

It's like the question was pushed right in front of me. Do you want a constant person in your life who will love you and who you can have an ideal North American type family with or do you want this adventure? And that's when I knew my answer. I want the adventure more than I want the person.

Now I know what you may be thinking - isn't that a little conceited and backwards thinking? Mmmm... nope.

You see, it became clear to me that what I long for is a person who will constantly push me in my relationship with Jesus and if that's not going to happen than I don't think I want it. I want someone who would be willing to drop everything and move to Africa to help those who have nothing, someone who suggests and supports giving away most of our pay cheque to those who need it more than we do, someone who hears Jesus' voice to step back and is willing to drop our commitments to do so, someone who sees the homeless and suggests having them in our home, someone who knows Jesus' voice better than my own. That's who I want and if I can't have someone like that than I would rather be single.

Slipping In

Dear you,


Today, I feel deadlock lost. My heart is wrestling through changes and my mind is fraught with the nearness of disappointment.

A few nights ago, I got the joy of taking a long ride home with my brother - my heart continually bursts with love for that person - and as we were talking, he said something that has stuck with me. I was talking through my current problem of being convinced I am a background piece no one can see, when he stopped me. "Give yourself a little credit, ash."

I know this sounds like a strange compliment, but it was what I needed. I may not be verbally noticed by many, but maybe that's not what I need. Maybe all I need is the genuine affirmation of a few.

Last night, I found out another acquaintance is engaged, I knew I should have left the idea alone, but I didn't. I let myself look at their pictures, their utter delight in one another and I felt my heart slowly crumble down. This is not the direction God has taken me through, there is a high likelihood it my never be and I suddenly remembered what I don't have.

You see, background pieces don't often get noticed especially by the pieces that stand out from the rest. So here I sit, wrestling through a life that looks nothing like I thought it should. But this morning I read something.

"For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God,

With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me?

Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him

For the help of His presence.

O my God, my soul is in despair within me;

Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan

And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar."

My favourite characters in the Bible (and all books for that matter) are the ones who stand up with no thought for comfort or turning back. The ones who say, "God is able BUT even if He doesn't come through for us, we aren't backing down and we aren't changing our minds." (Shedrach, Meshach, Abedengo). People who say, "Even though the fields produce no food and there is no fruit on the trees, though everything should fail YET we will praise the Lord. We will REJOICE in the God of our salvation." (Hab. 3:17ff)

They remembered something - they knew something. They remembered the years before; the ways God had overwhelmed the world with His goodness and reckless power. They remembered the days on the peaks - those moments where life made sense and they saw God's picture so clearly. And because of this, they looked disaster in the face and said, "Even if the worst of the worst comes, I know who I have believed in and I'm not leaving His side." 

How does all of this fit into a background piece's disappointment with life? It fits in perfectly because she knows fully in whom she has believed. She knows His goodness and love better than she knows her own face and if she were to fall succumb to despair now, she would be forgetting everything He has been to her. She would be stepping into a life full of bitterness, envy and anger (one she knows all too well) when she could continue slipping into this world of constant surprises, harder hardships than she knew she could face and deeper life than she knew possible with a God she can't be rid of. 

 So though I grow older and older, though more and more of my friends start their own families, though I seem to become more and more of a background piece with each passing day YET I will exult in the God who has saved me. I will rest in His love and trust in His goodness because I know it is true. 

And as He told me awhile ago, "ash, there is a whole word you are nearly oblivious to. There is much I am doing you cannot see right now." He knows my heart, its struggles, longings and joys better than anyone else and I know He will bring me to the exact place where He will give me the life I not only need, but also the one I want (though most times I didn't know I wanted it that way). 

-ash

 

Hawaii again

Soooooooo cute!!

I went on a long glorious walk one morning and ended up hanging out here for awhile. I decided to put myself into the picture so everyone would know I did not steal all of my pictures off of google.

This was my favourite piece of Hana. This cross overlooks the whole town.

Beyhest place to do a practicum.

Favourite. This one is still in my journal and no, customs did not take it away from me.

More Hawaii Pictures

The beaches are magnificent.

Absolutely majestic

One day, I walked by and saw a bunch of boys jumping off a cliff. I was busy admiring their bravery when an obvious tourist muttered to me, "They must be locals, no one else would consider doing this." My proudest moments in Hawaii came just a few weeks later when people started thinking I was a local.

This is what I got to see every morning when I woke up at dawn to feed the chickens ... needless to say, it wasn't very difficult.

 

If you are not in absolute awe by this, you are probably crazy.

L.o.v.e.

Love, love, love

I cannot express how much I loved taking care of these glorious creatures.

My faithful companion, the gecko.

This picture could be a postcard

This is what "town" basically looked like. Yep, we were living in a pretty small place.

One afternoon, I sat on these rocks and read a book. Ideal seems too small a word.

One of my favourite flowers minus the ants

Hawaii Pictures

The road to Hana

My Home

Yep, I was living in a jungle

Hamoa Beach

I just love this picture ... a lot

Forgive and Lose Your Sight

Dear you,

So my frustration, or rather bitterness, has found a way to seep back into my heart again. I know most people think I'm so spiritual, so put together, this kind of thing shouldn't keep happening. But in the face of life, I am oh so evidently proved a faulty human. I notice when my heart has been cheated, I remember the words, the looks and feelings freely passed from you to me with eagerness one day and petty insignificance the next. I know un-justice and I almost daily bear under unpredictable mood swings of both myself and those around me.

I used to think the biggest hindrance between me and forgiveness was my memory. You see, my memory (for the most part) is quite intact and henceforth many of the petty and significant injustices are stored in a bottle - I pull them out to investigate, replay the scene and allow anger and bitterness to boil over and spill into the rest of my life. If only I could forget, maybe then I could forgive I keep thinking to myself (side note - in one significant life event, God did grant my request and taught my heart to forget).

With an active memory and no signs of Alzheimer's disease in the near future, one would think I was stuck dealing with life here. But a few years ago, my mentor spoke truth into my life that has slowly brought me freedom. (I'm paraphrasing here) "Forgiveness isn't about forgetting, it's about CHOOSING to let go. It's about looking at memories, releasing your supposed right for hatred and choosing not to hold those memories against someone anymore. It's not about forgetting the severity of what was done, but rather choosing to start a new page."

Hmmm ... that seems to remind me of someone I know. Someone I know eternally takes the crap I throw at Him, chooses to let go of His right to hate, even to destroy, and starts a new page in our relationship. What I've done is never minimized, but His almost constant words to me are: "Want to try again, ashface?" If someone could love me like this, shouldn't my own life be a mirror of that very love?

I keep holding up these shards, begging for allowance to let them pierce and do the damage they seem meant to intend - to let the words and looks passed inflict my soul and be caught up in the infection of bitterness. But Jesus keeps pressing into me, He keeps bothering me when I start letting the shards do damage; He loves me better than I love myself. Every time I pick up a shard, He shows up, reminding me of the past, making sense of seeming senselessness and brightening a world of forgotten hope with an unruly, uncontainable life.

"Lose your sight. Stop trying to make a way ahead, stop trying to put the pieces together, trust in Me, not what you can wrap your head around. Stop forcing conclusions from the pieces you can see; there's a world you're nearly oblivious to - let go of these pieces, lose your sight and let Me protect your heart."

Jealous Provider

I have a quote stuck in at the back of my Bible, "The Lord is jealous to have the role of provider in your life."

... I wish that quote wasn't in there sometimes.

You see, today, or rather this week, I have been in freak out/control mode. My finances are quickly fading away and my unpredictable job has proved its unpredictability again this week.

This morning as I lay in bed (after receiving another phone call not to come to work), I started getting mad at God.

"Don't you know I have to take care of myself? Don't you know that if I'm not working, I can't pay these bills and if I can't pay these bills I don't know what's going to happen. And if I'm not taking care of myself there is no one left to take care of me. I have no husband or rich investments I can pull aside when needed; I'm on my own. Why did we decide this was such a good career for me to jump into? Sure, I love it but this whole unpredictable and one season long kind of thing is going to be the death of me."

In the midst of all these excuses and complaints, God continually kept reminding me of the above quote: "I am jealous to have the role of provider in your life." But it seemed easier and more empowering to freak out rather than put my hope in Someone I couldn't see.

When I finally ran out of excuses and steam to keep repeating the already said complaints, I started questioning. "But God why do you allow my friends to have so much stability, while my life is a constant tide of unpredictability? (Okay, in answer to this, this is probably because I have such a roaming spirit that couldn't handle a life of same in, same out every day ... yep, that's probably a huge reason why) And what if You don't come through this time? I know You have come through before, but these seasons have always been difficult and Jesus what if this time is different?"

"Perfect love cast out fear - ... when did you start fearing, ash?"

I had to think for a moment, but I suddenly remembered exactly when. I was in the company with someone else who was in fear over their finances when a whisper came into my head, "Your finances are pretty tight too, aren't they? Maybe you should do something about that or work harder to make sure you can take care of yourself." I remember having a fleeting feeling that I should stand against such a thought, but it was fleeting and I allowed the whispers to settle into my heart.

At this point, I feel like I was given a much better picture of what went down (my imagination is mostly based on what I've read in Screwtape Letters). The whisperer grasped a piece of my heart and slowly started making his way down further and further into its layers. By this morning, he was much, much further than I had ever anticipated. And now the process to be rid of him would be much more laborious than it would have been before. 

But as most of life seems to be, it was about choices. Though the lies the whisperer kept repeating seemed logical and worth worrying about, I choose to repeat verses my head and heart knew were true. And I choose to remember the God who has taken care of me before and dwell on the pictures I had seen on Planet Earth of a God who intricately designed every, single creature and controls every part of their environment so majestically. The thought that I chose to keep putting into my head was, "If God knows all of these creatures, if God protects each one of them, why wouldn't He be able to take care of one measly human? And even if He doesn't, isn't His resume and background worth me testing His character?"

Yeah, He probably could do that.

9 Months Worth of Analyzing

At first glance of this title, you might be a little overwhelmed. But don't worry too much, I'm not going to explode anytime soon.

This afternoon I have been concocting a list of the things I learned and grew through in the past 9 months at school. And one piece stuck out that I wanted to share with you ... dear person that you are (actually to be honest, I could be the only person reading this, haha- oh well :p)

So what stuck out to me? What piece of life have I learned that I think could influence you?

Jesus fights for me.

Throughout this past year, I have gone to extremes. I have always been ridiculously hard on myself, but in these past months, I went to a whole new level. Never in my life have I been as frustrated, hopeless and rashly harsh on my own self. Everything I did, everything I was was strained through a filter of utterly unmeetable standards.

Day after day, I would stack books (at my sweet out library job) and find more and more things to nit pick away at myself. I was too ... everything. Day after day, I would stick books in their place and cry over how much I failed to measure up to my own standards. 

Amidst these tears, someone came forward for me. When all I could see was lies about how little I measured up, Someone stepped ahead of me and pushed back lies with truth after truth of how loved I was. When I felt defeated, He stepped against my oncoming army and fought for me. Day after restless day, He consistently fought my demons and pushed back the darkness that threatened to seep over my soul. Even thinking back to these times leaves my heart still.

Why someone would be so faithful when I was being so difficult I'm not sure I can really explain. But one thing I do know. Amidst these struggles, my sole question became, "Am I worth it?" 

And the sole answer I shattered underneath was, "You are, have been and will ALWAYS be worth my time, my effort and life." (Jesus)

I have never met anyone like Him; loving Him changes me.

Bucket List

So today I have started feeling sorry for myself ... again ... I know, seriously, I would be so okay with this silly learning curve being done with.

Anyhow, amidst my self pitying woes, I have decided to make a bucket list ... or in my case, things I want to make sure I do during this single season of life .

Anyways, here it is:

1. Try at least one ethnic dish from every country in the world

2. Spend some time on every continent (Antarctica is a good idea, but not a firm resolution about going)

3.  Travel and spend time with all of my friends living overseas

4. Learn Punjabi

5. Finish writing my book and have it published

6. Travel throughout Russia 

7. Work at a zoo or aquarium

8. Learn how to take care of and repair my car

9. Become a fitness instructor

10. Learn how to make bread, pickles and other preserves -my eventual goal would be to have most all of my food homemade

11. Get and read a book on weeds so that I can include them in my diet (I only know about a few so far, but most have extremely beneficial medicinal and positive health attributes )

12. Go snorkeling

13. See a shark in the wild

14. Run in a race of some sort (maybe even a marathon if I'm feeling extra ambitious)

15. Get a pet hamster ... and maybe upgrade to a cat when I feel ready for that level of responsibility

16. Spend some time overseas in poorer countries helping greenhouses and food growing operations get started

17. Learn more about biochar and 1. be able to make my own and 2. use it in my overseas greenhouse and food growing operations

18. Watch the entire BBC Pride and Prejudice movie in one sitting

19. Make a cheeseball

20. Start my own garden

I think I'll add more to this later (or update it when a goal has been completed), but this is a good list to keep me busy for now.

Sunday thoughts

"ash, look up. Look outside of this grime, outside of the mess your heart has fallen into." -Jesus

Looking up changed and changes my life. You see when I looked up, I saw, I felt, I came to know the love of a God I can't contain. When I looked up, His eyes bore right into the very crux of who I am and what I see still leaves me breathless. I saw specific, unique fondness of the person I am and deep, roaring, passionate love. A deep love He always longs for me to have, but a deep love I often forget about. I get so over concerned about my heart - about the mess it is, about the hurts it has - that all I focus on is telling Him about it ... instead of letting Him tell me who I am.

To tell me that I am cherished, that I am wanted, that every single day He sees me as being worth His effort and time. Who would unwaveringly commit themselves to loving someone so hard to reach, so stubborn acceptance is often a distant hope, so angry she rarely acts in the way she should.

I have been so mad at Him lately; my circumstances seem to be screaming that God doesn't give a crap about me, that He favours the people I love, but not the person I am. I choose to believe what I'm told about Him; that my circumstances dictate how He feels about me, that my circumstances define how much I'm worth.

You see, my circumstances, my life seem to point towards a life of little meaning and little significance. I am replaceable, I am not extraordinarily pretty, smart, unique or fashionable. There is nothing about me that screams take notice of me - for people rarely do. 

But there is one thing that sets me apart from the people around me, the only piece of life I feel I can offer people. I know I am loved. When I forget this, the me withers and all you're left with is a skeleton of someone who isn't really that much of anything. When I chose to live knowing and relishing in this, life, hope and love flow out of me so passionately I can't contain it.

"You are all I want, You are all I need. Everything my heart could hope for." Frick, I'm getting tired of walking through this life. I hate that in every situation, Satan is right there along with us, desperately pulling me away from You. I hate that lies are constantly overpowering my brain about how little I am worth, how un-special I am, when all You say over and over is: "ash, my heart is exploding with love for you. Words could never convey how much you mean to Me."

But I don't believe it. I stubbornly sit down and say, "No one could love me like that. No one does." I would rather choose to believe that than let His love fully rest in my heart. You see, if I let that love fully rest in my heart, I would have to give up my demands. I couldn't demand He bring someone into my life to love me because I would know His love for me was unquenchable. I would no longer need someone else to help me fit in because I would already fit.

Yes. I don't know what I'm plunging myself into, but I want to know Your love. I want to know You; these demands are wearing down my soul and I am so afraid You will never listen to them. But I want to want You more than my demands; I choose to say yes. Yes, I will let You love me.

Without a Voice

This month, I have abdicated my presence from both facebook and twitter. I knew it would be hard, but I wasn't it expecting it to be this difficult.

No one seems to notice that I am gone and in the process I've come to realize how dependent I was on having my voice heard. The snappy one liners, the thoughtful comments and subsequent appreciation. Now I have no appreciation and all my thoughts are left as that - my own thoughts.

I didn't realize how difficult it was to keep my thoughts in my own head. Since when did that happen? Since when did "sharing" them via some form of plastic become so important to my self-worth?

This total abdication is hard on me; who am I if no one is listening to me? Where is my worth if everyone is so busy doing their own thing they don't notice I've left?

El seems distant or rather I feel so messed up I don't want to be around Him. Everything I do lately seems to be selfish and "not good enough." My unspoken thoughts are torturing me and I feel like I'll spill my whole brain out on whoever happens to pass by. My whole presence is withering and I don't know how to wake it back up again.

All I need is Jesus, but I feel like I'm just stuffing my face full of everything but Him. Books, food, activities, people, homework. My inner being wants Jesus, but my flesh, the earthly part of me, wants to take care of myself on my own. I don't even know if it's just that; another huge piece is simply weary of Him -weary of what He's going to take away from me. Weary of being led through places I don't want to go.

My voice has been silenced and in the process I've come to realize I'm still a person without it, but I'm not the same person. I long to be heard, for my thoughts to be known. But if that's gone, am I still worth Jesus pursuing me? Am I still worth His effort? Am I still whole without a voice?

I guess we'll find out as the weeks pass.

In Love

Serious question: can you be in love with music?

I don't know if it's wrong, if it's silly or just plain weird. But music, actual music (not much of what makes it's way on to the # 1 charts), does something to me. It brings a piece of my heart to life and leaves me feeling just as giddy as having the coolest guy laugh at my jokes.

Okay, maybe a better word would be in severe like of music, not in love. Music mesmerizes me; it pushes me out of the ordinary and into a place where the unseen and physical world seem to meld for just a moment. Maybe that's why I love it so much; it somehow gives voice to the unspeakable.

Maybe I am a little in severe like.

ash

PS Here's who I'm in severe like of at the current moment

1. Dry the River
2. Ben Howard
3. Mindy Gledhill
4. Bombay Bicycle Club (and Jack Steadman - he seriously is GENIUS)
5. Grizzly Bear
6. Beirut
7. Temper Trap
8. Good Old War
9. Spring Offensive
10. A Silent Film

... that's a good start for the most enjoyable week.

http://soundcloud.com/ashlee-aitken/favorites

As You Are

I think these lyrics are going to change my life.

"Love me as you are" Ben Howard.

Okay, I know I'm a little crazy about this guy, not only does he have the best accent, style and awe-inspiring talent, but he has a depth and rawness about him I see in precious few others.

In this song, "Under the Same Sun," Ben is basically talking about how he's making plans and choosing to fall in love with a girl (No, it's not me. He doesn't who I am, unfortunately.). The girl is left in mystery; he seems to love her out of no bright quality of her own, but rather, simply and solely out of his heart. In this painful song, the question he keeps asking is, "Are you going to be there when the day's done? Are you going to stay under the same sun?"

And then all of the sudden, in the last minute of the song, everything changes.The melody is completely different, the rhythm is changed and these lyrics, almost a plea, are repeated over and over. "Love me as you are."

These lyrics may seem like a romanticizer's dream, a beautiful piece of art. But these lyrics have struck a deep chord in my heart, something I can't fully express.You see, these are the words God has been telling me over and over. "ash, love me as you are. Love me where you're at, not where you're going to be, not where you should be. Love me in this mess; love me through the disaster of your mistakes."

Am I going to be there? Am I going to stay under the same sun?

Love me as you are.

ash

Enough?

I often feel like I'm living in my own emotional sea - one moment I am at rest and my emotions can be fully delighted in - the next moment, a storm comes crashing through, absolutely everything is swung into upheaval and I'm left half drowning in the midst.

I was about to write a blog a few days ago and I was literally going to spend the whole thing writing about what rich friendships God has given me, about how obeying God and coming here may have been one of the best decisions I've ever made. That was a few days ago.

I am still wholly crazy about my friends and am most often left wonder-struck that such people would want to be a part of my life. And I'm still planning to write a chapter on them.

But tonight ... tonight I watched Lagaan again.

In the past few weeks, I've been clutching and gnawing on something Jesus told me. I had just come back home from giving some clothes away and was almost literally patting myself on the back for being such a generous and kind person. I thought to myself, "Who else is living this kind of life? Probably very few; God must be proud of me for living this way." As I was thinking all this, I knew I was being filled with pride and that the whole thing was likely to lead to a bigger sin.

What Jesus spoke to me in that moment took me back a bit. "It's not enough, ash." All these things I've been doing, they're not enough. And tonight after watching Lagaan, I'm at my complete wit's end. All I can do is look at myself and see complete disobedience and confusion. When I see God looking back at me, all I see is all encompassing disappointment with a rod of punishment in His hand. He has been patient, but there's no room left for that anymore. I am being willfully disobedient and ... and ... and

"Love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrongs. I have loved you with an everlasting love. After having received my Word by faith are you now trying to earn it with your works?"

You see watching Lagaan usually leaves me feeling a mixture of things, most often I feel guilty. The first time I watched Lagaan, I literally sobbed for 2 hours afterwards. All I could feel was this overpowering emptiness, this black void that came about me. This movie awakes a piece of me that I don't really know how to explain. In it, I come to see both the best of the people I love and their very worst. I feel that I am immersed in their heartbeat and as I do this, I am made overtly aware of how much they need to know (know-know) their Creator's love.

After sobbing for those 2 hours, I told Jesus I would go to them; I would be His representative. I was so willing and started making headway to do so. But then life happened ... a lot of stuff happened, much outside of my control, but some within. Needless to say, I didn't go.

I did make an effort in a different way (living amidst these people in my own country), but I still didn't feel like it was enough. After seeing the void and committing to be a representative, I often felt that doing anything less than physically being in their country was disobedience. But I was scared to go, my family didn't want me to go and I just didn't know logistically or logically why I would be going. My heart slowly became used to running on an Everest of guilt.

But you see sometimes I forget about the guilt. I moved here, I've done the whole school thing, I've seen a plethora of ridiculous things happen. I felt that I did obey God in coming here, but tonight I watched Lagaan and the whole Everest of hidden guilt came flash flooding over me again.

"All I am is disobedient; I'm selfish and living in fear. God must be keeping me single and with a lack of goals to punish me and make sure I will be alone and miserable enough in this place so that I finally move across the ocean." Is all this true? Was Jesus saying, "It's not enough, ash", just a piece of this larger puzzle I'm supposed to be getting. Is Jesus wholly devastated with who I've become? Is He angry with me for confusing His voice and forgetting that commitment I made to Him so long ago?

"I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly."

"ash, darling, you're making too much of yourself. The world is mine to rescue and take care of and you, my ash, are mine to treasure. I want you to live out that treasuredness wherever you find yourself. The world's life and death does not rest on your shoulders; it rests on Mine."

Love is patient, love is kind, it keeps no record of wrongs. Yes, I have been making a lot of bad choices lately (a lot of bad little choices), but if Jesus' love was based on my reactions I don't think it would be love. If I were to move across the ocean because of guilt, I would be a resounding gong or a clanging symbol for without this love that Jesus lives out in my life it is all useless.

"But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patent toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."

God will accomplish His purpose with or without me; I am not the foundation to the plan - Jesus is.

Spring's Eyes

Can you feel it? New air is seeping in and with it comes the longing for the new, the change.

The snow is slowly melting away and the days are staying light for just a little longer. It seems every day is a testament to the fact that winter will not always be. Maybe it's just me, but this season always pushes longings up.

At the ol' Bible School, spring seemed to be a time when the few leftovers with closed eyes came wholly awake to the possible available mates - spring fever. Though I silently somewhat envied the lovebirds, I outwardly and halfways inwardly, professed that spring was for more than smooching. But the idea (lovey love that is) is somewhat interconnected with the whole essence of spring.

Spring, I believe, is a time to come back to life, to take a chance and break out of old shells. Of all the seasons, this one most brings my often dusty, back-shelf ridden hope back to life. You see, winter is a beautiful, extravagant season, but it is hard. The plants go away, the nights are long, the air is too cold to enjoy the outside and we are stuck inside a roofed expanse. My soul, in part, goes into survival mode - focusing on habits that need to be changed, attitudes that need redirecting. It forgets about the reality of spring and the joy of summer and deems the present reality all it will know.

But then with little warning, spring starts to come. The snow is pushed back, the plants breathe in and suddenly they invade every corner. The light seems to be let loose and the temperature rises so much you forget to wear that old overcoat. My very being feels as if it is being let loose from a prison.

You see, spring makes hope become reality. I often get stuck in ruts; I quickly run back to my pessimistic ways believing everything will always stay the same. I will always be the random thumb, never measuring up or fitting in with the rest of the hand-consistently forced to a life of lonely substance. But then spring comes, my survival mode is forced away and the joy of living is shoved into my face.

Last night, I listened to a sermon by Erwin McManus (a huge favourite right now). A bit of background, I have been spending most of my time as of late listening, fighting and then listening again to voices which put me in a second rate position. You might know the voices yourself, the ones which challenge your beauty, worthiness, intelligence, lovability and life in general. Because of these voices, I had come to the conclusion that 1. I was not good enough  2. I would be single for the rest of my life as a result of that fact and 3. I was so unlovable even my closest friends would probably benefit from being around someone else.

I was in the midst of one of these pity parties when I had the "random" idea to listen to a sermon while doing some homework. Hmm... random? I stopped believing in chance long ago.  The main point of Erwin's sermon was to examine what voices we were listening to. A piece he repeated over and over again, was something God spoke to Adam and Eve. When God came upon Adam and Eve sinning, they hid themselves because as they said, they were naked. I never noticed before, but God's response is earth shattering; it seems to suck the air right out of my lungs.

"Who told you that?"

He always seems to know how to get through to me. "ash, who are you listening to? Who told you you weren't good enough? Was it me? Whose voice is dictating your life?"

With seemingly little effort, my heart was cornered and forced to deal with the lies it was holding. Did He tell me these things? No, I am certain of that. So what does that mean? What does He say? 

"You are exquisite and lovely, My darling, My ash. You are precious, the apple of My eye." 

Maybe the old, pessimistic overcoat is ready for the refuse pile. Spring is coming, I know it. I don't have to be stuck in these old ways. I can jump into change, knowing my exquisiteness because of the wholly pure love of the One who walks through these days with me. Life seems to be choosing me and I don't want to hide away from Him today. 

Romans Exegesis

Hey,

So this is a hefty topic, but I'm more or less posting it for my own documentation. I am going through the book of Romans (in the Bible) in Greek. I decided I should start recording my findings because isn't that just a much brighter thing to do? So I've already done a bit, but here's where this thing will start

Romans 3:25b

"This was to demonstrate His (emphasis on the His, so maybe I'll write it like this from now on (i.e. HIS) when emphasized) righteousness because of ... okay now here the sentence is getting really tricky. The word, "because of -(dia)" is a preposition, which is pointing to the accusative (The noun receiving the action), but the preposition has no accusative partner in this sentence. I think the author of my Greek-English parsing book may have split one very long sentence into two. So now I'm just straight up confused.

Okay, I think I found it. I think the dia is connected to the He (referring to God) in the next English sentence or it is implied (because of context) and connected to the word, God, that is in the genitive. The genitive case is the case where to put it simply, you can add the word "of" in front.

Moving forward, "This was to demonstrate HIS righteousness because God in His perseverance (this is one of the words my lexicon gave as an option for this particular word (avoxn). They said most of the NT definitions were forbearance, but to be honest, I feel this particular word has little relevance or connection in modern day English.) passed over (or let remain un-punished) previous sins."

3:26

"It was also for the purpose of  the demonstration of His righteousness at the present (right now) time, so that (this means with the result of (ie end result)) HE might be just and the Justifier of the person (I have a couple options here, so I'll list them:) 1. who has or 2. out of the  or 3.or part of the group that has  faith in Jesus."

"Where then is boasting? It has been excluded. By means of what kind of law? A law of works? No, but by means of the law of faith."

3:28-29

"For we emotionally and logically hold to or conclude that a person is justified  by faith apart from works of the law. Is God only the God of the Jews? Is He not also the God of the Gentiles? Yes, of the Gentiles too."

3:30

"Because God is one ..." This statement is key to the Paul's whole thought. Basically, He is outright saying, "God is the God of you (i.e. the Jews) and of Gentiles. He is one and the same God." He was in a way reminding them of their history (The Lord is our God, the Lord is one). (Random insert, I read a historical fiction book this past summer on Hezekiah. In it, she quoted this statement as, "Yahweh is the Lord, Yahweh alone." I have not researched this subject at all and don't know if this is a better or worse interpretation). 

The main point of my whole paragraph is to say, Paul was blatantly teaching that the Gentiles are now part of God's chosen people. The Jews had to make room for them in their home.

"Because God is one, HE will justify (this is an action that Will Happen in the future) the
circumcised ..." (i.e. probably referring to the Jews. The Jews often got into disputes and fights at this point in time over the issue of circumcision. They believed it was a necessity for salvation. However, Paul and the apostles were desperately trying to teach them that it's all about our faith in Jesus. If we're using circumcision as a necessity for salvation than we also have to obey every letter of the whole entire law.

If anyone thought that might work, Paul soundly demolished that thought. Throughout the past two depressing chapters, he aptly showed us how much we suck in that area. The world is full of people who know good, but do evil instead. We follow our cravings and ignore the conscience God has given us. And in the times when we want to do good, we do evil instead. In the words of Paul, `Who can save us from this body of death?  ... Thanks be to JESUS CHRIST."

It is Jesus who comes forward for us, who stands up for us. He walks into the arena to face the punishment for our selfish, demented actions. And knowing the punishment would cost Him His life and would separate Him from the One He loved most (His Dad), He still walked forward. That is such a deep love, I can't fully fathom it. How could someone love the real me, who is utterly death-like (i.e. disdainful, self-focused, full of hared, bitterness, jealousy, loneliness and fear), so much that He would risk and lose everything close to His heart to give me a CHANCE (not a guarantee) of being with Him.  The only words that come to mind are,"Praise be to Jesus who loved me."

"Because God is one, HE will justify the circumcised on the basis of (this is my own thought here, I think the phrase "on the basis of" (i.e. ek) could have been translated, "by means of (i.e. how they're justified)" their faith. It sounds really weird, but in order to match the next half of the sentence that may be a better translation.) their faith and the uncircumcised by means of (or "on the basis of" perhaps?) of the same faith."

Yikes, that would been like a slap in the face to the religious Jews. They were following the law and had been doing all these things for God for years. Now, just like that, Paul is elevating the Gentiles onto the same level as them not because of what they did, but because of what Jesus did for them. Talk about demolishing your worldview.

3:31

Do we completely rid ourselves of the law (or make the law useless) by means of faith? What are you stupid? No way! On the contrary, we uphold/stand firmly behind the law.

4:1
What then shall we (though not proper grammatically, most of us would say, "What then can we") say that Abraham our ancestor/forefather discovered about this?

4:2
For if Abraham was set free/vindicated/justified because of what he did, than he has something to boast about, but not around God.

TO DO 4:3-5

4:6
-(Will write more later) - forgiveness-abandon, let go of the deed done against AND total acceptance of the deed'er'  and state of the verb forgive - gnomic present, stative active and regular indicative 

Captivating?

Dear you,

So I've been pondering on whether or not to write on this subject all week, but I've decided to go with it for 2 reasons: 1. It's late at night and 2. I feel like other people may feel this way too.

The subject I want to touch on right now is something I have been grappling through, struggling and wrestling with all week. That subject is: If I am never noticed, if I am never seen, am I still captivating? I know this may seem like a bit of a silly subject and I know most of you would quickly suggest the book, Captivating, by someone whose name is very cute (For the record, I have read it), but that's not satisfying this deep question in my heart.

Have you ever liked someone but consistently been let down? Do you ever put yourself out there (or so you think according to your own standards (my version of putting myself out there often involves being normal)) and see no results? What do you do when that happens? Do you continue hoping for a miracle? Or do you latch on to a new person hoping to fill that 'Am I special' void? Or option 3, do you reluctantly drop the idea and wrestle through the void?

I feel that's where I'm at right now (option 3 that is, sorry, I'm a bit tired). I've come to realize again that, yes, I was mistaken and yes, I am still most likely going to stay that way (ie single) for quite some time. But now what? I've been wrestling through feelings of pity, doubt, anger and frustration all week long. Why does no one ever notice me? What's wrong with me? Why are my friends cherished by a special person, but no one ever seems to think I am worth cherishing? What am I doing that makes me so detestable?

At this point, I'm going to insert a story from the summer that God has consistently been reminding me of all week. This past summer while I was gardening for the city, I randomly stumbled upon a flower I had never seen. And oh my word, it was g.o.r.g.e.o.u.s. and I mean gorgeous. I still have no idea what kind of flower that thing was, but it was extravagant and perfect in every way. I couldn't believe I had never seen that flower before, I mean how could I have missed it when it stood out like that? Then a thought rolled into my head, "Is this flower's beauty dependent on your notice, ashlee?"

...Wait a second.

"Is this flower's beauty and extravagance in any way affected by you noticing or not noticing it? If you had never seen it, would it still be beautiful?" The answer seemed obvious so I replied, "Of course."

"Then why do you think it's any different with you?"

I've been wrestling through, desperately trying to make this statement become my heart's truth this week. But, friend (whoever you may be), I've been having such a hard time believing this. I mean how could this be true? If no one ever sees or notices me, the only logical explanation must be that there's something wrong with me.

But what if my logic is faulty? What if I only see 1 part of the equation and there's a whole other side that's not even been touched?

There's a problem though. I can't see that other side of the equation; I just have a very large hunch my calculations aren't adding up to the correct solution. So what am I going to do? Am I going to keep believing a possibly faulty conclusion (i.e. there must be something wrong with me) or am I going to believe something perhaps a bit ridiculous about a flower? A deep, deep part of my heart assures me the later is true, it's just the pieces I see which seem to deny it. 

I guess this is what walking with Jesus looks like. I'm glad You're here because, in case You didn't know it, I love You quite a bit. 

ash

Will You Still?

Dear you,


I'm sitting here, exhausted emotionally and spiritually, wondering how life could possibly solve itself out.

Let me explain a bit more, last week I wrote that I was learning to hope. Maybe God felt I was ready for a bigger challenge than I did. When I came back to school this Tuesday, I found out that 1. many of my dear friends are facing challenges that few others are and that 2. I won't be graduating.

My spirit was already worn out when I heard the accounts of my friends' lives, it was so un-ready to hear the news that I won't be graduating. I don't know when graduating became such a big deal to me, but it probably happened somewhere in the midst of November when I fully dove into and relished in this whole university thing.

There are two things that bother me most with not graduating. 1. It is unfair. I am not graduating not because of low marks or even a choice of my own doing. I am not graduating because of someone else's mistake. I was told I could be exempted from English because of previous English credits from another institution. The paperwork went through as far as I knew. But upon coming back to school, I found out that the paperwork was lost when someone got sick. When they found out, they realized that yes, I could be exempted, but I would not be able to graduate because I lack the credits. If I had known that last semester, I would have never decided to not take English. Now however, it's too late and I'm forced to make up 4-6 credits with a mere 3 months left.

2. God seems silent. I know this may seem a small problem to you, but yesterday, I fully broke down. I even questioned if I wanted to a follow a God like this anymore. Every major prayer I've said, everything I let matter seems to be stripped from me and left  unanswered. The boy I fell in love with didn't want to be with me, my family is far away and my life looks nothing like the plan I had imagined for it. I accepted these things for so long, I knew God had called me to this place from the moment I stepped into it. But now that I've let this journey matter to me, He has taken away the one thing I've been working towards. I don't know how to work with a God who seems to be so unnecessary vengeful. I can't see through this mess anymore.

Late last night as I raged against God, a few things came to mind. Am I following God because He does what I want (because He owes me for following Him) or am I following Him because I have found there is no one else? I would love to say I follow God solely because He is, regardless of my circumstances. But my heart would be lying if I said that. How can I love Someone I have absolutely no sway over, who chooses to do what He wants regardless of what I want? Why would I love someone like that?

Another thought came to mind, Jesus' love for me is wholly unbound by circumstances. He loves the person underneath all this sin and hurt. He has been faithful when no one else has and He chose to die for me when I was at my worst. And no matter how mad I am at the moment, I know He will continue pursuing me till the day I die regardless if I choose to keep walking with Him or not.

A verse in a book I love says, "...some of His (God's) special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else." (Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis) I don't know why a loving God would act like that, but as I look at the photographs on my wall, I know each one of them has, at one point in time, been forced into deep troughs they would never choose. I know they would never live through that suffering again, but the person they've become would never be without those troughs. They would never love God as much as they do if He had not led them into pain, removed Himself and forced them to search for Him, to learn to truly love Him.

I don't feel like I know how to hope in this (never really knowing how, probably isn't much help). My head is quick to imagine long, lonely summer hours hovering over a computer doing ridiculous English assignments. My heart is quick to become bitter at the unjust conduct I've received, but I still want to walk with the Person who has so changed the people around me. And I will choose to find things to be thankful for, so I won't be overwhelmed by this flood.

Jesus, I don't know how to trust You, let alone hope in You today, but my heart committed to You long ago. I would rather not walk this path and have to fight bitterness and envy everyday, but Jesus, You have shown me what it looks like to obey when we don't want to. Help me to be that person because I don't know how to.

ash

"Even in the smallest places, can a garden grow." Garden by Noah Gundersen