Dear you,
So my frustration, or rather bitterness, has found a way to seep back into my heart again. I know most people think I'm so spiritual, so put together, this kind of thing shouldn't keep happening. But in the face of life, I am oh so evidently proved a faulty human. I notice when my heart has been cheated, I remember the words, the looks and feelings freely passed from you to me with eagerness one day and petty insignificance the next. I know un-justice and I almost daily bear under unpredictable mood swings of both myself and those around me.
I used to think the biggest hindrance between me and forgiveness was my memory. You see, my memory (for the most part) is quite intact and henceforth many of the petty and significant injustices are stored in a bottle - I pull them out to investigate, replay the scene and allow anger and bitterness to boil over and spill into the rest of my life. If only I could forget, maybe then I could forgive I keep thinking to myself (side note - in one significant life event, God did grant my request and taught my heart to forget).
With an active memory and no signs of Alzheimer's disease in the near future, one would think I was stuck dealing with life here. But a few years ago, my mentor spoke truth into my life that has slowly brought me freedom. (I'm paraphrasing here) "Forgiveness isn't about forgetting, it's about CHOOSING to let go. It's about looking at memories, releasing your supposed right for hatred and choosing not to hold those memories against someone anymore. It's not about forgetting the severity of what was done, but rather choosing to start a new page."
Hmmm ... that seems to remind me of someone I know. Someone I know eternally takes the crap I throw at Him, chooses to let go of His right to hate, even to destroy, and starts a new page in our relationship. What I've done is never minimized, but His almost constant words to me are: "Want to try again, ashface?" If someone could love me like this, shouldn't my own life be a mirror of that very love?
I keep holding up these shards, begging for allowance to let them pierce and do the damage they seem meant to intend - to let the words and looks passed inflict my soul and be caught up in the infection of bitterness. But Jesus keeps pressing into me, He keeps bothering me when I start letting the shards do damage; He loves me better than I love myself. Every time I pick up a shard, He shows up, reminding me of the past, making sense of seeming senselessness and brightening a world of forgotten hope with an unruly, uncontainable life.
"Lose your sight. Stop trying to make a way ahead, stop trying to put the pieces together, trust in Me, not what you can wrap your head around. Stop forcing conclusions from the pieces you can see; there's a world you're nearly oblivious to - let go of these pieces, lose your sight and let Me protect your heart."
Thursday 28 June 2012
Wednesday 6 June 2012
Jealous Provider
I have a quote stuck in at the back of my Bible, "The Lord is jealous to have the role of provider in your life."
... I wish that quote wasn't in there sometimes.
You see, today, or rather this week, I have been in freak out/control mode. My finances are quickly fading away and my unpredictable job has proved its unpredictability again this week.
This morning as I lay in bed (after receiving another phone call not to come to work), I started getting mad at God.
"Don't you know I have to take care of myself? Don't you know that if I'm not working, I can't pay these bills and if I can't pay these bills I don't know what's going to happen. And if I'm not taking care of myself there is no one left to take care of me. I have no husband or rich investments I can pull aside when needed; I'm on my own. Why did we decide this was such a good career for me to jump into? Sure, I love it but this whole unpredictable and one season long kind of thing is going to be the death of me."
In the midst of all these excuses and complaints, God continually kept reminding me of the above quote: "I am jealous to have the role of provider in your life." But it seemed easier and more empowering to freak out rather than put my hope in Someone I couldn't see.
When I finally ran out of excuses and steam to keep repeating the already said complaints, I started questioning. "But God why do you allow my friends to have so much stability, while my life is a constant tide of unpredictability? (Okay, in answer to this, this is probably because I have such a roaming spirit that couldn't handle a life of same in, same out every day ... yep, that's probably a huge reason why) And what if You don't come through this time? I know You have come through before, but these seasons have always been difficult and Jesus what if this time is different?"
"Perfect love cast out fear - ... when did you start fearing, ash?"
I had to think for a moment, but I suddenly remembered exactly when. I was in the company with someone else who was in fear over their finances when a whisper came into my head, "Your finances are pretty tight too, aren't they? Maybe you should do something about that or work harder to make sure you can take care of yourself." I remember having a fleeting feeling that I should stand against such a thought, but it was fleeting and I allowed the whispers to settle into my heart.
At this point, I feel like I was given a much better picture of what went down (my imagination is mostly based on what I've read in Screwtape Letters). The whisperer grasped a piece of my heart and slowly started making his way down further and further into its layers. By this morning, he was much, much further than I had ever anticipated. And now the process to be rid of him would be much more laborious than it would have been before.
But as most of life seems to be, it was about choices. Though the lies the whisperer kept repeating seemed logical and worth worrying about, I choose to repeat verses my head and heart knew were true. And I choose to remember the God who has taken care of me before and dwell on the pictures I had seen on Planet Earth of a God who intricately designed every, single creature and controls every part of their environment so majestically. The thought that I chose to keep putting into my head was, "If God knows all of these creatures, if God protects each one of them, why wouldn't He be able to take care of one measly human? And even if He doesn't, isn't His resume and background worth me testing His character?"
Yeah, He probably could do that.
... I wish that quote wasn't in there sometimes.
You see, today, or rather this week, I have been in freak out/control mode. My finances are quickly fading away and my unpredictable job has proved its unpredictability again this week.
This morning as I lay in bed (after receiving another phone call not to come to work), I started getting mad at God.
"Don't you know I have to take care of myself? Don't you know that if I'm not working, I can't pay these bills and if I can't pay these bills I don't know what's going to happen. And if I'm not taking care of myself there is no one left to take care of me. I have no husband or rich investments I can pull aside when needed; I'm on my own. Why did we decide this was such a good career for me to jump into? Sure, I love it but this whole unpredictable and one season long kind of thing is going to be the death of me."
In the midst of all these excuses and complaints, God continually kept reminding me of the above quote: "I am jealous to have the role of provider in your life." But it seemed easier and more empowering to freak out rather than put my hope in Someone I couldn't see.
When I finally ran out of excuses and steam to keep repeating the already said complaints, I started questioning. "But God why do you allow my friends to have so much stability, while my life is a constant tide of unpredictability? (Okay, in answer to this, this is probably because I have such a roaming spirit that couldn't handle a life of same in, same out every day ... yep, that's probably a huge reason why) And what if You don't come through this time? I know You have come through before, but these seasons have always been difficult and Jesus what if this time is different?"
"Perfect love cast out fear - ... when did you start fearing, ash?"
I had to think for a moment, but I suddenly remembered exactly when. I was in the company with someone else who was in fear over their finances when a whisper came into my head, "Your finances are pretty tight too, aren't they? Maybe you should do something about that or work harder to make sure you can take care of yourself." I remember having a fleeting feeling that I should stand against such a thought, but it was fleeting and I allowed the whispers to settle into my heart.
At this point, I feel like I was given a much better picture of what went down (my imagination is mostly based on what I've read in Screwtape Letters). The whisperer grasped a piece of my heart and slowly started making his way down further and further into its layers. By this morning, he was much, much further than I had ever anticipated. And now the process to be rid of him would be much more laborious than it would have been before.
But as most of life seems to be, it was about choices. Though the lies the whisperer kept repeating seemed logical and worth worrying about, I choose to repeat verses my head and heart knew were true. And I choose to remember the God who has taken care of me before and dwell on the pictures I had seen on Planet Earth of a God who intricately designed every, single creature and controls every part of their environment so majestically. The thought that I chose to keep putting into my head was, "If God knows all of these creatures, if God protects each one of them, why wouldn't He be able to take care of one measly human? And even if He doesn't, isn't His resume and background worth me testing His character?"
Yeah, He probably could do that.
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