"ash, look up. Look outside of this grime, outside of the mess your heart has fallen into." -Jesus
Looking up changed and changes my life. You see when I looked up, I saw, I felt, I came to know the love of a God I can't contain. When I looked up, His eyes bore right into the very crux of who I am and what I see still leaves me breathless. I saw specific, unique fondness of the person I am and deep, roaring, passionate love. A deep love He always longs for me to have, but a deep love I often forget about. I get so over concerned about my heart - about the mess it is, about the hurts it has - that all I focus on is telling Him about it ... instead of letting Him tell me who I am.
To tell me that I am cherished, that I am wanted, that every single day He sees me as being worth His effort and time. Who would unwaveringly commit themselves to loving someone so hard to reach, so stubborn acceptance is often a distant hope, so angry she rarely acts in the way she should.
I have been so mad at Him lately; my circumstances seem to be screaming that God doesn't give a crap about me, that He favours the people I love, but not the person I am. I choose to believe what I'm told about Him; that my circumstances dictate how He feels about me, that my circumstances define how much I'm worth.
You see, my circumstances, my life seem to point towards a life of little meaning and little significance. I am replaceable, I am not extraordinarily pretty, smart, unique or fashionable. There is nothing about me that screams take notice of me - for people rarely do.
But there is one thing that sets me apart from the people around me, the only piece of life I feel I can offer people. I know I am loved. When I forget this, the me withers and all you're left with is a skeleton of someone who isn't really that much of anything. When I chose to live knowing and relishing in this, life, hope and love flow out of me so passionately I can't contain it.
"You are all I want, You are all I need. Everything my heart could hope for." Frick, I'm getting tired of walking through this life. I hate that in every situation, Satan is right there along with us, desperately pulling me away from You. I hate that lies are constantly overpowering my brain about how little I am worth, how un-special I am, when all You say over and over is: "ash, my heart is exploding with love for you. Words could never convey how much you mean to Me."
But I don't believe it. I stubbornly sit down and say, "No one could love me like that. No one does." I would rather choose to believe that than let His love fully rest in my heart. You see, if I let that love fully rest in my heart, I would have to give up my demands. I couldn't demand He bring someone into my life to love me because I would know His love for me was unquenchable. I would no longer need someone else to help me fit in because I would already fit.
Yes. I don't know what I'm plunging myself into, but I want to know Your love. I want to know You; these demands are wearing down my soul and I am so afraid You will never listen to them. But I want to want You more than my demands; I choose to say yes. Yes, I will let You love me.
Sunday 18 March 2012
Monday 12 March 2012
Without a Voice
This month, I have abdicated my presence from both facebook and twitter. I knew it would be hard, but I wasn't it expecting it to be this difficult.
No one seems to notice that I am gone and in the process I've come to realize how dependent I was on having my voice heard. The snappy one liners, the thoughtful comments and subsequent appreciation. Now I have no appreciation and all my thoughts are left as that - my own thoughts.
I didn't realize how difficult it was to keep my thoughts in my own head. Since when did that happen? Since when did "sharing" them via some form of plastic become so important to my self-worth?
This total abdication is hard on me; who am I if no one is listening to me? Where is my worth if everyone is so busy doing their own thing they don't notice I've left?
El seems distant or rather I feel so messed up I don't want to be around Him. Everything I do lately seems to be selfish and "not good enough." My unspoken thoughts are torturing me and I feel like I'll spill my whole brain out on whoever happens to pass by. My whole presence is withering and I don't know how to wake it back up again.
All I need is Jesus, but I feel like I'm just stuffing my face full of everything but Him. Books, food, activities, people, homework. My inner being wants Jesus, but my flesh, the earthly part of me, wants to take care of myself on my own. I don't even know if it's just that; another huge piece is simply weary of Him -weary of what He's going to take away from me. Weary of being led through places I don't want to go.
My voice has been silenced and in the process I've come to realize I'm still a person without it, but I'm not the same person. I long to be heard, for my thoughts to be known. But if that's gone, am I still worth Jesus pursuing me? Am I still worth His effort? Am I still whole without a voice?
I guess we'll find out as the weeks pass.
No one seems to notice that I am gone and in the process I've come to realize how dependent I was on having my voice heard. The snappy one liners, the thoughtful comments and subsequent appreciation. Now I have no appreciation and all my thoughts are left as that - my own thoughts.
I didn't realize how difficult it was to keep my thoughts in my own head. Since when did that happen? Since when did "sharing" them via some form of plastic become so important to my self-worth?
This total abdication is hard on me; who am I if no one is listening to me? Where is my worth if everyone is so busy doing their own thing they don't notice I've left?
El seems distant or rather I feel so messed up I don't want to be around Him. Everything I do lately seems to be selfish and "not good enough." My unspoken thoughts are torturing me and I feel like I'll spill my whole brain out on whoever happens to pass by. My whole presence is withering and I don't know how to wake it back up again.
All I need is Jesus, but I feel like I'm just stuffing my face full of everything but Him. Books, food, activities, people, homework. My inner being wants Jesus, but my flesh, the earthly part of me, wants to take care of myself on my own. I don't even know if it's just that; another huge piece is simply weary of Him -weary of what He's going to take away from me. Weary of being led through places I don't want to go.
My voice has been silenced and in the process I've come to realize I'm still a person without it, but I'm not the same person. I long to be heard, for my thoughts to be known. But if that's gone, am I still worth Jesus pursuing me? Am I still worth His effort? Am I still whole without a voice?
I guess we'll find out as the weeks pass.
Thursday 8 March 2012
In Love
Serious question: can you be in love with music?
I don't know if it's wrong, if it's silly or just plain weird. But music, actual music (not much of what makes it's way on to the # 1 charts), does something to me. It brings a piece of my heart to life and leaves me feeling just as giddy as having the coolest guy laugh at my jokes.
Okay, maybe a better word would be in severe like of music, not in love. Music mesmerizes me; it pushes me out of the ordinary and into a place where the unseen and physical world seem to meld for just a moment. Maybe that's why I love it so much; it somehow gives voice to the unspeakable.
Maybe I am a little in severe like.
ash
PS Here's who I'm in severe like of at the current moment
1. Dry the River
2. Ben Howard
3. Mindy Gledhill
4. Bombay Bicycle Club (and Jack Steadman - he seriously is GENIUS)
5. Grizzly Bear
6. Beirut
7. Temper Trap
8. Good Old War
9. Spring Offensive
10. A Silent Film
... that's a good start for the most enjoyable week.
http://soundcloud.com/ashlee-aitken/favorites
I don't know if it's wrong, if it's silly or just plain weird. But music, actual music (not much of what makes it's way on to the # 1 charts), does something to me. It brings a piece of my heart to life and leaves me feeling just as giddy as having the coolest guy laugh at my jokes.
Okay, maybe a better word would be in severe like of music, not in love. Music mesmerizes me; it pushes me out of the ordinary and into a place where the unseen and physical world seem to meld for just a moment. Maybe that's why I love it so much; it somehow gives voice to the unspeakable.
Maybe I am a little in severe like.
ash
PS Here's who I'm in severe like of at the current moment
1. Dry the River
2. Ben Howard
3. Mindy Gledhill
4. Bombay Bicycle Club (and Jack Steadman - he seriously is GENIUS)
5. Grizzly Bear
6. Beirut
7. Temper Trap
8. Good Old War
9. Spring Offensive
10. A Silent Film
... that's a good start for the most enjoyable week.
http://soundcloud.com/ashlee-aitken/favorites
Wednesday 7 March 2012
As You Are
I think these lyrics are going to change my life.
"Love me as you are" Ben Howard.
Okay, I know I'm a little crazy about this guy, not only does he have the best accent, style and awe-inspiring talent, but he has a depth and rawness about him I see in precious few others.
In this song, "Under the Same Sun," Ben is basically talking about how he's making plans and choosing to fall in love with a girl (No, it's not me. He doesn't who I am, unfortunately.). The girl is left in mystery; he seems to love her out of no bright quality of her own, but rather, simply and solely out of his heart. In this painful song, the question he keeps asking is, "Are you going to be there when the day's done? Are you going to stay under the same sun?"
And then all of the sudden, in the last minute of the song, everything changes.The melody is completely different, the rhythm is changed and these lyrics, almost a plea, are repeated over and over. "Love me as you are."
These lyrics may seem like a romanticizer's dream, a beautiful piece of art. But these lyrics have struck a deep chord in my heart, something I can't fully express.You see, these are the words God has been telling me over and over. "ash, love me as you are. Love me where you're at, not where you're going to be, not where you should be. Love me in this mess; love me through the disaster of your mistakes."
Am I going to be there? Am I going to stay under the same sun?
Love me as you are.
ash
"Love me as you are" Ben Howard.
Okay, I know I'm a little crazy about this guy, not only does he have the best accent, style and awe-inspiring talent, but he has a depth and rawness about him I see in precious few others.
In this song, "Under the Same Sun," Ben is basically talking about how he's making plans and choosing to fall in love with a girl (No, it's not me. He doesn't who I am, unfortunately.). The girl is left in mystery; he seems to love her out of no bright quality of her own, but rather, simply and solely out of his heart. In this painful song, the question he keeps asking is, "Are you going to be there when the day's done? Are you going to stay under the same sun?"
And then all of the sudden, in the last minute of the song, everything changes.The melody is completely different, the rhythm is changed and these lyrics, almost a plea, are repeated over and over. "Love me as you are."
These lyrics may seem like a romanticizer's dream, a beautiful piece of art. But these lyrics have struck a deep chord in my heart, something I can't fully express.You see, these are the words God has been telling me over and over. "ash, love me as you are. Love me where you're at, not where you're going to be, not where you should be. Love me in this mess; love me through the disaster of your mistakes."
Am I going to be there? Am I going to stay under the same sun?
Love me as you are.
ash
Sunday 4 March 2012
Enough?
I often feel like I'm living in my own emotional sea - one moment I am at rest and my emotions can be fully delighted in - the next moment, a storm comes crashing through, absolutely everything is swung into upheaval and I'm left half drowning in the midst.
I was about to write a blog a few days ago and I was literally going to spend the whole thing writing about what rich friendships God has given me, about how obeying God and coming here may have been one of the best decisions I've ever made. That was a few days ago.
I am still wholly crazy about my friends and am most often left wonder-struck that such people would want to be a part of my life. And I'm still planning to write a chapter on them.
But tonight ... tonight I watched Lagaan again.
In the past few weeks, I've been clutching and gnawing on something Jesus told me. I had just come back home from giving some clothes away and was almost literally patting myself on the back for being such a generous and kind person. I thought to myself, "Who else is living this kind of life? Probably very few; God must be proud of me for living this way." As I was thinking all this, I knew I was being filled with pride and that the whole thing was likely to lead to a bigger sin.
What Jesus spoke to me in that moment took me back a bit. "It's not enough, ash." All these things I've been doing, they're not enough. And tonight after watching Lagaan, I'm at my complete wit's end. All I can do is look at myself and see complete disobedience and confusion. When I see God looking back at me, all I see is all encompassing disappointment with a rod of punishment in His hand. He has been patient, but there's no room left for that anymore. I am being willfully disobedient and ... and ... and
"Love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrongs. I have loved you with an everlasting love. After having received my Word by faith are you now trying to earn it with your works?"
You see watching Lagaan usually leaves me feeling a mixture of things, most often I feel guilty. The first time I watched Lagaan, I literally sobbed for 2 hours afterwards. All I could feel was this overpowering emptiness, this black void that came about me. This movie awakes a piece of me that I don't really know how to explain. In it, I come to see both the best of the people I love and their very worst. I feel that I am immersed in their heartbeat and as I do this, I am made overtly aware of how much they need to know (know-know) their Creator's love.
After sobbing for those 2 hours, I told Jesus I would go to them; I would be His representative. I was so willing and started making headway to do so. But then life happened ... a lot of stuff happened, much outside of my control, but some within. Needless to say, I didn't go.
I did make an effort in a different way (living amidst these people in my own country), but I still didn't feel like it was enough. After seeing the void and committing to be a representative, I often felt that doing anything less than physically being in their country was disobedience. But I was scared to go, my family didn't want me to go and I just didn't know logistically or logically why I would be going. My heart slowly became used to running on an Everest of guilt.
But you see sometimes I forget about the guilt. I moved here, I've done the whole school thing, I've seen a plethora of ridiculous things happen. I felt that I did obey God in coming here, but tonight I watched Lagaan and the whole Everest of hidden guilt came flash flooding over me again.
"All I am is disobedient; I'm selfish and living in fear. God must be keeping me single and with a lack of goals to punish me and make sure I will be alone and miserable enough in this place so that I finally move across the ocean." Is all this true? Was Jesus saying, "It's not enough, ash", just a piece of this larger puzzle I'm supposed to be getting. Is Jesus wholly devastated with who I've become? Is He angry with me for confusing His voice and forgetting that commitment I made to Him so long ago?
"I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly."
"ash, darling, you're making too much of yourself. The world is mine to rescue and take care of and you, my ash, are mine to treasure. I want you to live out that treasuredness wherever you find yourself. The world's life and death does not rest on your shoulders; it rests on Mine."
Love is patient, love is kind, it keeps no record of wrongs. Yes, I have been making a lot of bad choices lately (a lot of bad little choices), but if Jesus' love was based on my reactions I don't think it would be love. If I were to move across the ocean because of guilt, I would be a resounding gong or a clanging symbol for without this love that Jesus lives out in my life it is all useless.
"But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patent toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."
God will accomplish His purpose with or without me; I am not the foundation to the plan - Jesus is.
I was about to write a blog a few days ago and I was literally going to spend the whole thing writing about what rich friendships God has given me, about how obeying God and coming here may have been one of the best decisions I've ever made. That was a few days ago.
I am still wholly crazy about my friends and am most often left wonder-struck that such people would want to be a part of my life. And I'm still planning to write a chapter on them.
But tonight ... tonight I watched Lagaan again.
In the past few weeks, I've been clutching and gnawing on something Jesus told me. I had just come back home from giving some clothes away and was almost literally patting myself on the back for being such a generous and kind person. I thought to myself, "Who else is living this kind of life? Probably very few; God must be proud of me for living this way." As I was thinking all this, I knew I was being filled with pride and that the whole thing was likely to lead to a bigger sin.
What Jesus spoke to me in that moment took me back a bit. "It's not enough, ash." All these things I've been doing, they're not enough. And tonight after watching Lagaan, I'm at my complete wit's end. All I can do is look at myself and see complete disobedience and confusion. When I see God looking back at me, all I see is all encompassing disappointment with a rod of punishment in His hand. He has been patient, but there's no room left for that anymore. I am being willfully disobedient and ... and ... and
"Love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrongs. I have loved you with an everlasting love. After having received my Word by faith are you now trying to earn it with your works?"
You see watching Lagaan usually leaves me feeling a mixture of things, most often I feel guilty. The first time I watched Lagaan, I literally sobbed for 2 hours afterwards. All I could feel was this overpowering emptiness, this black void that came about me. This movie awakes a piece of me that I don't really know how to explain. In it, I come to see both the best of the people I love and their very worst. I feel that I am immersed in their heartbeat and as I do this, I am made overtly aware of how much they need to know (know-know) their Creator's love.
After sobbing for those 2 hours, I told Jesus I would go to them; I would be His representative. I was so willing and started making headway to do so. But then life happened ... a lot of stuff happened, much outside of my control, but some within. Needless to say, I didn't go.
I did make an effort in a different way (living amidst these people in my own country), but I still didn't feel like it was enough. After seeing the void and committing to be a representative, I often felt that doing anything less than physically being in their country was disobedience. But I was scared to go, my family didn't want me to go and I just didn't know logistically or logically why I would be going. My heart slowly became used to running on an Everest of guilt.
But you see sometimes I forget about the guilt. I moved here, I've done the whole school thing, I've seen a plethora of ridiculous things happen. I felt that I did obey God in coming here, but tonight I watched Lagaan and the whole Everest of hidden guilt came flash flooding over me again.
"All I am is disobedient; I'm selfish and living in fear. God must be keeping me single and with a lack of goals to punish me and make sure I will be alone and miserable enough in this place so that I finally move across the ocean." Is all this true? Was Jesus saying, "It's not enough, ash", just a piece of this larger puzzle I'm supposed to be getting. Is Jesus wholly devastated with who I've become? Is He angry with me for confusing His voice and forgetting that commitment I made to Him so long ago?
"I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly."
"ash, darling, you're making too much of yourself. The world is mine to rescue and take care of and you, my ash, are mine to treasure. I want you to live out that treasuredness wherever you find yourself. The world's life and death does not rest on your shoulders; it rests on Mine."
Love is patient, love is kind, it keeps no record of wrongs. Yes, I have been making a lot of bad choices lately (a lot of bad little choices), but if Jesus' love was based on my reactions I don't think it would be love. If I were to move across the ocean because of guilt, I would be a resounding gong or a clanging symbol for without this love that Jesus lives out in my life it is all useless.
"But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patent toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."
God will accomplish His purpose with or without me; I am not the foundation to the plan - Jesus is.
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