Hope

I listened to a message this morning - I thought it was supposed to be about Christmas. With a title like, "Anna and Simeon: Christmas ..."  it seemed like a safe choice.

I wasn't really expecting what the pastor ended up speaking on: hope. Hope, a word that makes me cringe and back away in doubt and fear. Maybe, I should clarify my feelings about this word. I'm a pessimist ... completely. If you say, "I think you're smart," I'll assume you're saying it to get on my good side. If God says, "I'll take care of you," I'll wonder how much.

Late last night, I sat on my sister's bed talking and finally found words to express how I've been living. I live as someone expecting the worst, so I can be surprised if the worst doesn't happen. It seems so much safer to expect the worst than to be crushed by the weight of hope unfulfilled.

I don't think God wants me to live like this anymore. 

To hope is to have such unshakeable faith that you are unhindered by past, present and future circumstances. It's to know God is good regardless of what anyone else says. It is to wait expectantly for Him to come through and fulfill that goodness in my own life.

Do you know how scary that is? I feel like it would be easier to tread through the Amazon than to hope expectantly on God. To say, "I believe You will come through on this for me and I will trust in that." could possibly the scariest thing I have ever said to God.

But what if He doesn't come through? What if I'm always waiting for Him to act? What if He isn't as good as the Bible seems to portray?

I feel like I need to have these questions answered before I'll be ready to hope. But I don't think God wants that anymore. I think He wants to bump me up to this new level in our relationship regardless, maybe almost because, He has not answered these questions.Do I think this God I've come to know is worthy of me putting my heart on the line and hoping? Is He worth the danger of possibly having a hope unrealized?

Christmas! letter

Dear you,

I'm sitting here listening to Noah Gundersen, feeling a little emotionally exhausted, and in the mood to do something (yes, you're talking to a do-do-doer). So what do I have to say in another Christmas letter, another year passed? Was the year worth it? Did it make an impact on who I'm becoming?

2011 has been the crappiest, hardest, most incredible year of my life so far. A year I would be okay not living through again, but one I'm sincerely grateful for.

If you had asked me at the beginning of the year where I would be this Christmas, I would have given you a far different answer than my present reality. This year began with me seeing a person I thought I would marry. Needless to say, the situation wasn't right and in February we parted ways. In my brokenness, a sort of unknown bravery invaded my heart. The first thing this new bravery brought about was the move to a new church ... which is one of the best decisions I've made. The first Sunday I went, they sang a song and repeated the words, "Though there's pain in the night, there will be joy in the morning. You work everything for my good." I just stood there, cried and let the words soak over me. Jesus always seem to touch my heart in the deepest ways when I'm most broken.

That same night as I was driving home, a car swerved into my lane. Driving at highway speed, I hit the snowy ditch and started spinning wildly across the highway with multiple cars driving towards me. For some reason, none of the cars hit me and my car ended up stopping and stalling facing the wrong direction. Again another car was driving straight towards me while my light were off and I couldn't put my brain together in time to figure out how to get away ... For some 'reason' though, this car also didn't hit me.

When I look back at this event now, I know it was God giving me a picture to clearly represent my life. I feel as though the life I used to have died that foggy day in February, but for some reason I was still living - given a chance to live a new life. And I feel like this has been the story of my this year-living a new life.

Part of this new life was learning, being stretched and challenged in completely new ways in a church with a completely different background than I was used to. I spent so many evenings talking through things with Sammi-my brother. I'm glad you live right beside me!

New Life-Part 2. Switching jobs. After spending almost 7 months working at the walking track and cleaning houses, I felt God gave me the go ahead to jump back into my old job. I've never quit a job to go work somewhere else. I didn't know it could be so unnerving to hand in a two weeks' notice for something like this (I've always had the better excuse of moving and/or going back to school).

Part 3. Applying to and choosing to actually go through with moving 12 hours away to go to University. When August hit, I packed my earthly possessions, said good-bye to my friends and moved into a city where I had approximately 2 acquaintances. First of all as a random side note, I've never had such a crappy move in my life. It seemed like anything that could go wrong did - and in my head, this was the best confirmation I could get to know this new city was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Moving has been a bit of an everywhere experience. I have loved becoming close to a group of people I would have otherwise never met. Though at the same time, I have deeply missed the people I'd left behind. My classes are incredible; I can't imagine taking anything I would love more than this. Though at the same time, I have so missed connecting with the people I loved working with previously. My classmates have literally changed the way I live my life and given me the courage I needed to start becoming the person I want to be. This isn't the funnest experience all the time though - sometimes, change pushes me in ways I don't want to be pushed. But in all of this, I've learned to be bold (well at least more than I used to be :), how to cook a lot of different food, how to be responsible and what a treasure a true friend is.

Throughout this year, I think this last point is the biggest change I've seen in my life. Jesus has proved His friendship to be deeper and truer than any other. He has become my closest acquaintance in the times when I haven't had anyone else to talk to and now is the person I want to talk to when I am able to be around people. He is so incredible. I've never met anyone who has been so relentless in teaching me to be and act out what my heart has been impacted on.

This isn't wholly related, but seems like a good 'ender'. In the midst of the summer, He gave me these verses and I think they sum up what I have already started feeling. "Greater love has no one than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends. ... No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing. Instead, I call you friends ... "(Jn. 15) I feel like I've never read these verses until this year. Jesus was blatantly saying I can't love you anymore this; the biggest thing I could do for you, I've done. I'll die for you because this is the deepest, greatest way I can show you what is in my heart - love for you.

Mmm...just talking about this makes me feel safe.

So you've heard a bit about some of the harder parts, but now I want to finish with the incredible parts.

1. Learning to live with less - so freeing

2. Learning to actually speak my mind when I'm around people I both know and don't know very well- didn't know I could do that

3. Got a cricket for a pet - best 10 weeks

4. Got to meet and renew friendships with the sweetest people -refreshing

5. Ate food from a dumpster -yep

6. Got to support one of my best friends as she married one of the most incredible people I've met -honoured

7. Got to watch Aaron Gillespie and Switchfoot in concert -haven't been that excited in a long time

8. Learned how to drive a tractor and a bunch of ginormous lawn mowers -so scary, but kind of ridiculously exhilarating

9. Got to see one of my favourite singers perform in someone's living room - so awesome

10. Surprised my dad and brother by showing up in a town they were playing hockey in (I showed up at the rink with a sign saying, "I love [insert my last name] boys" and waited for them to see the sign - like a boss

11. Got to meet my uncle's fiancee and her son- wonderful

12. Have been able to spend a plethora of weekends with my grandparents as they live right near this new city - unexpected delight

13. Got twitter and a new phone -my family is relentless in pushing my technological advances

14. Found the sweetest music and have so enjoyed listening to it

15. Went dancing with a bunch of old and random people in a senior's home - kind of hilarious

16. Got to become close friends with an older couple from the community - delightful

17. Went on 3 road trips with Mulroney (my car) and some of the best people I know - surprised both Mulroney and I could last that long

18. Found out I could run a lot farther and harder than I thought I could - empowering

19. Have been able to have weekly phone dates with 2 of my sisters - I feel like I know them way better than I ever did

20. Have seen Jesus change, heal and impassion my heart with His dreams - life changing