A Resolve

So this past week, I have been wrestling with my constant lack of notice and the seeming forever hopelessness of my single state. I would rather just be done with the struggle and I believe it will break through by next week, but right now I am still wrestling.

This morning, however, I had a breakthrough. I have been longing to have someone along side of me to adventure and jump headlong into the abundant life God has placed in front of us. But Jesus asked, "ash, are you willing to give up your adventure for the person. What do you want more?"

After mulling, I realized something - I wasn't. I think a huge reason for my singleness is that I have been unwilling and when I have been willing God always lets things fall through.

It's like the question was pushed right in front of me. Do you want a constant person in your life who will love you and who you can have an ideal North American type family with or do you want this adventure? And that's when I knew my answer. I want the adventure more than I want the person.

Now I know what you may be thinking - isn't that a little conceited and backwards thinking? Mmmm... nope.

You see, it became clear to me that what I long for is a person who will constantly push me in my relationship with Jesus and if that's not going to happen than I don't think I want it. I want someone who would be willing to drop everything and move to Africa to help those who have nothing, someone who suggests and supports giving away most of our pay cheque to those who need it more than we do, someone who hears Jesus' voice to step back and is willing to drop our commitments to do so, someone who sees the homeless and suggests having them in our home, someone who knows Jesus' voice better than my own. That's who I want and if I can't have someone like that than I would rather be single.

Slipping In

Dear you,


Today, I feel deadlock lost. My heart is wrestling through changes and my mind is fraught with the nearness of disappointment.

A few nights ago, I got the joy of taking a long ride home with my brother - my heart continually bursts with love for that person - and as we were talking, he said something that has stuck with me. I was talking through my current problem of being convinced I am a background piece no one can see, when he stopped me. "Give yourself a little credit, ash."

I know this sounds like a strange compliment, but it was what I needed. I may not be verbally noticed by many, but maybe that's not what I need. Maybe all I need is the genuine affirmation of a few.

Last night, I found out another acquaintance is engaged, I knew I should have left the idea alone, but I didn't. I let myself look at their pictures, their utter delight in one another and I felt my heart slowly crumble down. This is not the direction God has taken me through, there is a high likelihood it my never be and I suddenly remembered what I don't have.

You see, background pieces don't often get noticed especially by the pieces that stand out from the rest. So here I sit, wrestling through a life that looks nothing like I thought it should. But this morning I read something.

"For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God,

With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me?

Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him

For the help of His presence.

O my God, my soul is in despair within me;

Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan

And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar."

My favourite characters in the Bible (and all books for that matter) are the ones who stand up with no thought for comfort or turning back. The ones who say, "God is able BUT even if He doesn't come through for us, we aren't backing down and we aren't changing our minds." (Shedrach, Meshach, Abedengo). People who say, "Even though the fields produce no food and there is no fruit on the trees, though everything should fail YET we will praise the Lord. We will REJOICE in the God of our salvation." (Hab. 3:17ff)

They remembered something - they knew something. They remembered the years before; the ways God had overwhelmed the world with His goodness and reckless power. They remembered the days on the peaks - those moments where life made sense and they saw God's picture so clearly. And because of this, they looked disaster in the face and said, "Even if the worst of the worst comes, I know who I have believed in and I'm not leaving His side." 

How does all of this fit into a background piece's disappointment with life? It fits in perfectly because she knows fully in whom she has believed. She knows His goodness and love better than she knows her own face and if she were to fall succumb to despair now, she would be forgetting everything He has been to her. She would be stepping into a life full of bitterness, envy and anger (one she knows all too well) when she could continue slipping into this world of constant surprises, harder hardships than she knew she could face and deeper life than she knew possible with a God she can't be rid of. 

 So though I grow older and older, though more and more of my friends start their own families, though I seem to become more and more of a background piece with each passing day YET I will exult in the God who has saved me. I will rest in His love and trust in His goodness because I know it is true. 

And as He told me awhile ago, "ash, there is a whole word you are nearly oblivious to. There is much I am doing you cannot see right now." He knows my heart, its struggles, longings and joys better than anyone else and I know He will bring me to the exact place where He will give me the life I not only need, but also the one I want (though most times I didn't know I wanted it that way). 

-ash