Captivating?

Dear you,

So I've been pondering on whether or not to write on this subject all week, but I've decided to go with it for 2 reasons: 1. It's late at night and 2. I feel like other people may feel this way too.

The subject I want to touch on right now is something I have been grappling through, struggling and wrestling with all week. That subject is: If I am never noticed, if I am never seen, am I still captivating? I know this may seem like a bit of a silly subject and I know most of you would quickly suggest the book, Captivating, by someone whose name is very cute (For the record, I have read it), but that's not satisfying this deep question in my heart.

Have you ever liked someone but consistently been let down? Do you ever put yourself out there (or so you think according to your own standards (my version of putting myself out there often involves being normal)) and see no results? What do you do when that happens? Do you continue hoping for a miracle? Or do you latch on to a new person hoping to fill that 'Am I special' void? Or option 3, do you reluctantly drop the idea and wrestle through the void?

I feel that's where I'm at right now (option 3 that is, sorry, I'm a bit tired). I've come to realize again that, yes, I was mistaken and yes, I am still most likely going to stay that way (ie single) for quite some time. But now what? I've been wrestling through feelings of pity, doubt, anger and frustration all week long. Why does no one ever notice me? What's wrong with me? Why are my friends cherished by a special person, but no one ever seems to think I am worth cherishing? What am I doing that makes me so detestable?

At this point, I'm going to insert a story from the summer that God has consistently been reminding me of all week. This past summer while I was gardening for the city, I randomly stumbled upon a flower I had never seen. And oh my word, it was g.o.r.g.e.o.u.s. and I mean gorgeous. I still have no idea what kind of flower that thing was, but it was extravagant and perfect in every way. I couldn't believe I had never seen that flower before, I mean how could I have missed it when it stood out like that? Then a thought rolled into my head, "Is this flower's beauty dependent on your notice, ashlee?"

...Wait a second.

"Is this flower's beauty and extravagance in any way affected by you noticing or not noticing it? If you had never seen it, would it still be beautiful?" The answer seemed obvious so I replied, "Of course."

"Then why do you think it's any different with you?"

I've been wrestling through, desperately trying to make this statement become my heart's truth this week. But, friend (whoever you may be), I've been having such a hard time believing this. I mean how could this be true? If no one ever sees or notices me, the only logical explanation must be that there's something wrong with me.

But what if my logic is faulty? What if I only see 1 part of the equation and there's a whole other side that's not even been touched?

There's a problem though. I can't see that other side of the equation; I just have a very large hunch my calculations aren't adding up to the correct solution. So what am I going to do? Am I going to keep believing a possibly faulty conclusion (i.e. there must be something wrong with me) or am I going to believe something perhaps a bit ridiculous about a flower? A deep, deep part of my heart assures me the later is true, it's just the pieces I see which seem to deny it. 

I guess this is what walking with Jesus looks like. I'm glad You're here because, in case You didn't know it, I love You quite a bit. 

ash

Will You Still?

Dear you,


I'm sitting here, exhausted emotionally and spiritually, wondering how life could possibly solve itself out.

Let me explain a bit more, last week I wrote that I was learning to hope. Maybe God felt I was ready for a bigger challenge than I did. When I came back to school this Tuesday, I found out that 1. many of my dear friends are facing challenges that few others are and that 2. I won't be graduating.

My spirit was already worn out when I heard the accounts of my friends' lives, it was so un-ready to hear the news that I won't be graduating. I don't know when graduating became such a big deal to me, but it probably happened somewhere in the midst of November when I fully dove into and relished in this whole university thing.

There are two things that bother me most with not graduating. 1. It is unfair. I am not graduating not because of low marks or even a choice of my own doing. I am not graduating because of someone else's mistake. I was told I could be exempted from English because of previous English credits from another institution. The paperwork went through as far as I knew. But upon coming back to school, I found out that the paperwork was lost when someone got sick. When they found out, they realized that yes, I could be exempted, but I would not be able to graduate because I lack the credits. If I had known that last semester, I would have never decided to not take English. Now however, it's too late and I'm forced to make up 4-6 credits with a mere 3 months left.

2. God seems silent. I know this may seem a small problem to you, but yesterday, I fully broke down. I even questioned if I wanted to a follow a God like this anymore. Every major prayer I've said, everything I let matter seems to be stripped from me and left  unanswered. The boy I fell in love with didn't want to be with me, my family is far away and my life looks nothing like the plan I had imagined for it. I accepted these things for so long, I knew God had called me to this place from the moment I stepped into it. But now that I've let this journey matter to me, He has taken away the one thing I've been working towards. I don't know how to work with a God who seems to be so unnecessary vengeful. I can't see through this mess anymore.

Late last night as I raged against God, a few things came to mind. Am I following God because He does what I want (because He owes me for following Him) or am I following Him because I have found there is no one else? I would love to say I follow God solely because He is, regardless of my circumstances. But my heart would be lying if I said that. How can I love Someone I have absolutely no sway over, who chooses to do what He wants regardless of what I want? Why would I love someone like that?

Another thought came to mind, Jesus' love for me is wholly unbound by circumstances. He loves the person underneath all this sin and hurt. He has been faithful when no one else has and He chose to die for me when I was at my worst. And no matter how mad I am at the moment, I know He will continue pursuing me till the day I die regardless if I choose to keep walking with Him or not.

A verse in a book I love says, "...some of His (God's) special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else." (Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis) I don't know why a loving God would act like that, but as I look at the photographs on my wall, I know each one of them has, at one point in time, been forced into deep troughs they would never choose. I know they would never live through that suffering again, but the person they've become would never be without those troughs. They would never love God as much as they do if He had not led them into pain, removed Himself and forced them to search for Him, to learn to truly love Him.

I don't feel like I know how to hope in this (never really knowing how, probably isn't much help). My head is quick to imagine long, lonely summer hours hovering over a computer doing ridiculous English assignments. My heart is quick to become bitter at the unjust conduct I've received, but I still want to walk with the Person who has so changed the people around me. And I will choose to find things to be thankful for, so I won't be overwhelmed by this flood.

Jesus, I don't know how to trust You, let alone hope in You today, but my heart committed to You long ago. I would rather not walk this path and have to fight bitterness and envy everyday, but Jesus, You have shown me what it looks like to obey when we don't want to. Help me to be that person because I don't know how to.

ash

"Even in the smallest places, can a garden grow." Garden by Noah Gundersen