Constant Leaver

My heart has quickly swung into "leave mode." This seems to happen more often than not these years. My brain swivels in a thousand directions, trying to remember the errands I need to run, people I need to see and changes it need to prepare for.

A few years ago, after a summer of absolute upheaval, I phoned my parents and completely broke down. Through sobs, the ache in my heart came out; I just couldn't keep doing it. I had had too much attaching and pulling apart, too much loving and separating. My heart couldn't bear this life of consistent inconsistencies.

When I went to bed that night, I begged God to bring someone into my life-someone who could walk through these inconsistencies with me, someone I could cry with as we left one life to start another. However, as of yet, God has chosen not to answer that prayer and has instead continued leading me down this path wholly alone.

Is He unjust, does He not care, is His hand too short to keep me from heartache? Though my answer would have varied near the time of that prayer, my whole-hearted answer these days is: no.

In these past few years, I have been led down long, lonely paths. Many aspects of my life are done alone; I go and no one follows, I walk into church with no one beside me and I, most often, go through my nights with no witness to the fears that attack my dreams. But it is this lonely path that has changed me.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -Jesus

Have you ever read something on paper and felt it had a deeper meaning, but been too flustered to capture it? That seems to happen to me all the time and the above verse was no exception. But then this funny thing happened- I was alone. And it was in these alone times, that this verse became my life. When I awoke in the middle of the night so afraid, He came and sat with me speaking peace over my heart until it was calm enough to rest. When I cried so hard my eyes hurt with the pain of leaving, He kissed my ear and drew me close to His heart. When I started down paths of chaos, He took my hand, whispered love and asked question after question until I realized what He already knew. When I felt like a complete outcast and was overwhelmed trying to fit into a circle I didn't match, He made a place for us to be together-a place I always fit in.

I don't know if I'm really making sense. I wonder if you're trying to find the point to this post.

I wonder if you know how much you're loved.

As my heart prepares for another departure, I know its Maker better than yesterday and have fallen deeper in love with Him than I ever knew possible. My prayer may not have been answered in the human sense of the word, but He has overwhelmed me with this response of Himself. I may have days of human loneliness ahead, but I have found a raging river, an overpowering waterfall of life walking these days beside a God I can't get my head around, a King who brings tears of gratitude to my eyes, a Father I long to spend every single day with. I may be walking alone, but I have never felt so at home.

My hope is that this post would be an enabler-enabling you to step forward in confidence knowing that even if no one else follows, a God you can never fully explain will be walking beside you. I know this post is long, but I just want to share one last thought before I go.

A few nights ago, I awoke in bed afraid of the day ahead. And almost immediately, the verse, “The Lord is my rock” came to mind. Now, I don’t know about you, but whenever I thought of this verse I imagined me cowering behind a large rock hoping to be saved from the oncoming army. However, when the verse came to mind this night, God painted a different picture. I was in the middle of the desert and without warning a huge fortress rose up in front of me. Its height went past the Heavens and its width was so long I couldn’t see its beginning or end. Suddenly, a great wind came and I was thrust up the rock face, far above the ground, far beyond the sight of an army below. In the midst of this rock face, a small cleft carved itself into the wall. I was gently laid inside and from this incredible position I was far more than safe from any oppressing army or pursuing enemy. When God wrote that He is my rock, this is the picture He wanted to give-a picture of complete security in the light of His overwhelming power.

Live in the cleft of this rock, and step forward.

-ash

Wet June

Dear Friend,

This week I have been having such a hard time with my life status. Do you ever have those weeks? I don't know what the deal is. I found out yet another friend of mine is getting married and that only aided in my colossal downward spiral into self-pity. It is so easy to get into and so ridiculously hard to get out of.

I point out every flaw in myself, I choose to look at the worst side of every thing and focus myself on a future of hopeless loneliness. The truth seems so dim and far away from my present state that it feels like a gigantic task to even examine it. 

And it's in these states that verses like "I will crown you with love and compassion" start taking on a different shade. I have days where I absolutely delight in being Christ's, days where I know how special I am to Him and relish in it. But then I have days, even weeks, when all I feel is dirty, wretched and just a shadow of who I should be. I try so hard to make myself look right, but my thoughts quickly reveal the state of my heart.

In these days, Christ's presence comes and invades my thoughts. I ask Him to keep the rain away for the day and He does. I over-analyze ever aspect of my life searching for the root of this wretchedness and He speaks, "Come to me all who are weary and heavy-burdened and I will give you rest for your souls." All I see are weeds and He points out stunning flowers -revolutionary concept today...beauty is beauty whether or not anyone ever notices it; its' beauty is in no way affected by acknowledgement or oblivion. 

I know His love when I feel on right terms with Him, but I come to grasp what love is when I'm at my worst. His love, his way of relating to me, in no way changes when I do. He lavishes affection on me when I have absolutely nothing to return, all I can do is take. He remains true when I couldn't. If I were to be my Saviour, I would have walked away long ago. But He, He, chooses to crown me with LOVE and COMPASSION.

I feel small and secure; best state I'll ever be in.

-ash

PS Just read an interesting article, the blog writer (William Dick) compiled the lexical definitions of the word, agape (one of the Greek words used for love in the Bible). I'm going to past it in here. "Agape means the following: to be fond of, to love dearly; to love, to be full of good will, to have a preference for, regard the welfare of...to take pleasure in the thing, prize it above other things, be unwilling to abandon it or do without it; a spontaneous feeling which impels self giving, the weak sense to be satisfied, to receive, to greet, to honur, or more inwardly, to seek after; to have love for someone or something, based on sincere appreciation and high regard."

Playoff Ponderings

Sometimes I think competition is the root of division.

Is it just me or has anyone else ever thought it? Take a minute and ponder it. You walk into work the morning after a game and the first thing that comes out of someone's mouth is, "Did you see the game last night." A second later, the room is full of people bashing one's "home" team and the other side defending. 

 

I know everyone says, "Don't take it personally." But I do...I always have. I am learning to separate other people's actions and my own feelings and reactions, but I will never be able to stop finding bashing another human-no matter who they happen to be- offensive. You offend me with your quick, witty, deathly criticisms. Though you may never meet these people you critique, you leave a foul taste in my mouth with your negativity over something that is meant to entertain us.... wait a second....

Did I say entertain? That's all these games are meant for? To entertain? I think somewhere in the mush, that's being forgotten. This game is becoming a deeper and deeper competition to prove we're worth just as much as you (if not more). No wonder players feel so much pressure from the fans.

Yesterday, I ran into some Jehovah's Witnesses. First off as a random side note, I've met few people as sweet and kind in a first meeting as those two. After giving me their schpeel and hearing my "I already chose to follow Jesus" response, they sincerely replied, "We don't need to change your mind, that's up to you. We see this as a matter of life and death though and that's why we are taking time out of our days to tell people like you. This is so important to us."

Switch back. What's important to me again? Proving my team (i.e. me) is just as good as yours?

 Maybe, my priorities need to get rearranged. If I'm serious about Jesus, maybe I should prove it. Maybe, just maybe, I can take talking about this God who rescues, delights and revolutionizes my life every single ridiculous day a little more seriously.

-ash