A few years ago, after a summer of absolute upheaval, I phoned my parents and completely broke down. Through sobs, the ache in my heart came out; I just couldn't keep doing it. I had had too much attaching and pulling apart, too much loving and separating. My heart couldn't bear this life of consistent inconsistencies.
When I went to bed that night, I begged God to bring someone into my life-someone who could walk through these inconsistencies with me, someone I could cry with as we left one life to start another. However, as of yet, God has chosen not to answer that prayer and has instead continued leading me down this path wholly alone.
Is He unjust, does He not care, is His hand too short to keep me from heartache? Though my answer would have varied near the time of that prayer, my whole-hearted answer these days is: no.
In these past few years, I have been led down long, lonely paths. Many aspects of my life are done alone; I go and no one follows, I walk into church with no one beside me and I, most often, go through my nights with no witness to the fears that attack my dreams. But it is this lonely path that has changed me.
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -Jesus
Have you ever read something on paper and felt it had a deeper meaning, but been too flustered to capture it? That seems to happen to me all the time and the above verse was no exception. But then this funny thing happened- I was alone. And it was in these alone times, that this verse became my life. When I awoke in the middle of the night so afraid, He came and sat with me speaking peace over my heart until it was calm enough to rest. When I cried so hard my eyes hurt with the pain of leaving, He kissed my ear and drew me close to His heart. When I started down paths of chaos, He took my hand, whispered love and asked question after question until I realized what He already knew. When I felt like a complete outcast and was overwhelmed trying to fit into a circle I didn't match, He made a place for us to be together-a place I always fit in.
I don't know if I'm really making sense. I wonder if you're trying to find the point to this post.
I wonder if you know how much you're loved.
As my heart prepares for another departure, I know its Maker better than yesterday and have fallen deeper in love with Him than I ever knew possible. My prayer may not have been answered in the human sense of the word, but He has overwhelmed me with this response of Himself. I may have days of human loneliness ahead, but I have found a raging river, an overpowering waterfall of life walking these days beside a God I can't get my head around, a King who brings tears of gratitude to my eyes, a Father I long to spend every single day with. I may be walking alone, but I have never felt so at home.
My hope is that this post would be an enabler-enabling you to step forward in confidence knowing that even if no one else follows, a God you can never fully explain will be walking beside you. I know this post is long, but I just want to share one last thought before I go.
A few nights ago, I awoke in bed afraid of the day ahead. And almost immediately, the verse, “The Lord is my rock” came to mind. Now, I don’t know about you, but whenever I thought of this verse I imagined me cowering behind a large rock hoping to be saved from the oncoming army. However, when the verse came to mind this night, God painted a different picture. I was in the middle of the desert and without warning a huge fortress rose up in front of me. Its height went past the Heavens and its width was so long I couldn’t see its beginning or end. Suddenly, a great wind came and I was thrust up the rock face, far above the ground, far beyond the sight of an army below. In the midst of this rock face, a small cleft carved itself into the wall. I was gently laid inside and from this incredible position I was far more than safe from any oppressing army or pursuing enemy. When God wrote that He is my rock, this is the picture He wanted to give-a picture of complete security in the light of His overwhelming power.
Live in the cleft of this rock, and step forward.
-ash
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