I have started to feel like God has made a habit of pushing me 10 steps farther than I'm ready.
Tonight, I drove past an accident and the fleeting thought I couldn't escape was, "Those people need someone to pray for them."
Do you ever hear that voice and almost immediately feel throat strangling fear fill your entire body? I nearly started crying, in my heart I wanted to obey, but in my flesh I was so scared. Scared of saying the wrong thing, scared of stepping into a place I shouldn't be, scared of bringing more pain into a situation that was already grim.
I wrestled through these thoughts as I drove home and decided to walk over. But by the time I got there, the ambulance drove away with the lights off.
And there I stood overcome with grief. What would have happened if I was brave enough? Would this family be sitting on the side of the highway praising God for His miraculous healing? Would there be people with hope that minutes before had none?
Nothing I had done the week before seemed to matter anymore. I have seen God work in people's lives while I was in my comfort zone, but I almost didn't care. It didn't matter that I don't feel ready to step into things like this or that I long for someone to walk with me into these things. The only thing that mattered was that I had stepped away.
Seconds before, I was verbally speaking God's promises over my life. You see, these months have been hard, harder than I thought I could handle. And today I was swimming in a pool of despair. In the midst, I was reminded of my dear friend's words to verbally speak God's truth when we most need to know it. So that's what I started doing, I was driving shouting promises to myself and in the process was finding my whole heart attitude changing.
And then I got scared. In the midst of me finding truth for myself, I could have given it to someone else. But I kept it for myself. Nothing would seem better than for me to let myself be overcome with guilt and to be honest, I feel that is what I should, logically thinking, do. But I don't think that's what walking forward is about.
"Can I help you become brave?" Those are the words of someone who always pushes me harder than I think I can go. Someone who loves me enough to let me fail on the way to becoming who I was always created to be. Someone who always brushes the dirt off my face and helps me start walking again.
I love Him.
