Last years' thoughts, todays' needed lesson

I've been thinking recently. Not a new habit, but just the same.

Today, I was burdened...not by the pressures around me, but from the pit inside me. This week I had seen victories and grew proud in the process. Then today rolled around. I was so taken aback by my own sinfulness, I didn't recognize the person I am. How can I claim victory when I am so self-absorbed? Why would God listen to me when I choose who to invest my love and time in and who to ignore and dislike? Why would Jesus give mercy to a person who should already know all of this?

I was wrestling through all of this when I saw an old man crossing the street. He had a severe limp and had trouble even crossing. All of the sudden, he started trying to run and flailing his arms to try and prevent the oncoming bus from leaving without him. I felt so helpless sitting there watching him and to be honest was very near tears at the sight.

"Ash, I made you like that." God whispered into my ear. "Your heart beats that way because I made it that way."

Who chooses to affirm a person who only feels like they need discipline? You do.

"Ash, you are like that man. You have forgotten how fragile you are. You have forgotten how much You need me."

Oh, how my heart needs Him. I am so prone to everything my soul hates. I stumble around like a person in a blackened tunnel without Him. My conversations, my heart, loses its life when He isn't a part of the picture.

And this is what has got me thinking tonight. Is changing less about discipline, but rather about replacing? Replacing my hatred at being mistreated with the truth that Jesus was mistreated because of and for me? Replacing my longing for acceptance with this roaring fire of His love? Maybe change isn't so much about what I need to do all the time, but more about letting His love fully, truly settle into my heart.


Yet as I sit here, I know my heart still doesn't fully know this. I still long for things other than Him and when I'm downright honest, I don't know what all of those things are. One of those things is that I want myself more than I want Him. I want to protect my heart from destruction, keep my life organized and have the authority to say yes and no. I want to be my own boss.

"Oh ash, can't you see that's why I've let you be broken?"

In my utmost brokenness, I've found raging rivers of life. When the very worst thing happened, You worked it together to my good. When I stepped out trembling, You held me the entire way-not letting it be easy, but never letting me be devastated.

Maybe I should continue in this journey of replacing.

November Entry

El,

I'm reeling; I'm not okay. I feel deceived, hurt and used . again .

I need to see past myself, but right now I feel so overwhelmed, so confused, so ... Jesus, I can't keep looking at the me, can I?

The thought that comes to mind is when A____ found her husband shot dead for following you. You told her, "A_____, see this through my eyes. This is precious in my sight." She CHOSE  to look at this through Your eyes.

Jesus, I'm so hurt, but all I want to do is curl up in Your arms. Only You fill my soul. Rapha. Oh El, I wasn't expecting life to be this hard, but I know You. I know You are good to me always, I know You are faithful when no one else is. I know You are constant when everyone else leaves. I know You know me and I have seen so evidently that You want my best more than anyone else. I am choosing You.

You stay the same through the ages. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Oh Jesus, I so wasn't wanting You to sing this over me again this year.

"This wind is strong and this water is deep, but I'm not alone here in these open seas because Your love never fails. The chasm is far too wide, I don't think I'll reach the other side, but Your love never fails. You stay the same through the ages. Your love never changes. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid because I know that You love me." (Your Love Never Fails-Jesus Culture)

- YOU MAKE ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD -

2010 Thoughts

Why, oh why, are You ... do You love me like this? I suck, my life is full of wrong choices, hurtful decisions and shameful memories. For moments there are glimmers of hope, but I quickly dim them with an act of selfishness.

And this is how I come to You-destitute, stained, ashamed, frustrated and hopelessly sinful. But You with those eyes, those eyes that take a glance and see every piece of my past and present, come close and ask if You can wash me, cleanse me, renew this devastated heart. Lord, how I wish that I wouldn't make it necessary for this to happen again, but my El, how I love being loved by You-how my soul rejoices under Your healing and purifying touch.

Your love eternally binds me to You. Not what I have done for we both know how miserably I fail here, not by my faithfulness for my heart is often captivated by things far less beautiful, not in my strength for the longer I walk with You the weaker I find I am, but by Your love. You, my delightful King, my Teacher of unmatched faithfulness, my closest friend, my Listener as well as the loudest Truth Advocate I know, my Intimate Lover, my song, my heart's satisfaction and life's meaning, oh how precious we are to be loved by You.