I wasn't really expecting what the pastor ended up speaking on: hope. Hope, a word that makes me cringe and back away in doubt and fear. Maybe, I should clarify my feelings about this word. I'm a pessimist ... completely. If you say, "I think you're smart," I'll assume you're saying it to get on my good side. If God says, "I'll take care of you," I'll wonder how much.
Late last night, I sat on my sister's bed talking and finally found words to express how I've been living. I live as someone expecting the worst, so I can be surprised if the worst doesn't happen. It seems so much safer to expect the worst than to be crushed by the weight of hope unfulfilled.
I don't think God wants me to live like this anymore.
To hope is to have such unshakeable faith that you are unhindered by past, present and future circumstances. It's to know God is good regardless of what anyone else says. It is to wait expectantly for Him to come through and fulfill that goodness in my own life.
Do you know how scary that is? I feel like it would be easier to tread through the Amazon than to hope expectantly on God. To say, "I believe You will come through on this for me and I will trust in that." could possibly the scariest thing I have ever said to God.
But what if He doesn't come through? What if I'm always waiting for Him to act? What if He isn't as good as the Bible seems to portray?
I feel like I need to have these questions answered before I'll be ready to hope. But I don't think God wants that anymore. I think He wants to bump me up to this new level in our relationship regardless, maybe almost because, He has not answered these questions.Do I think this God I've come to know is worthy of me putting my heart on the line and hoping? Is He worth the danger of possibly having a hope unrealized?
No comments:
Post a Comment