Sometimes

Sometimes, everything I do makes me miss you. Sometimes, I fall into a pit of self-hatred because I don't know what I did to make you leave. Sometimes, I cry because I feel alone without you. Sometimes, I forget only to be reminded. Sometimes, I feel ridiculous that it's taking me so long to work through this.

Sometimes, I am broken again only to be healed again. Sometimes I fall back in this pit only to be lifted out again.

Oh friend, I could never express how much my soul has missed you since you left. I could never explain how many times I've wished something could change. How many times I've examined my heart, body and mind to find what drove you away.

But it's in these times, that Jesus comes ... into these moments where I see how broken I still am. He holds me in truth when I am overwhelmed by these lies pounding me to the ground. He picks me up when I feel suffocated underneath these waves of self-hatred.


I feel so many things that aren't true.

I feel unwanted. But Jesus says, "ashlee, my darling, I want you so much that I died to have you with me."

I feel ugly. But Jesus says, "You are precious and intricately woven together. Your beauty is extravagant not because of people's notice, but because I have made you that way."

I feel like I'm not enough. But Jesus says, "Come into my arms just the way you are because you fit and are loved just the way you are."

I feel like I need to prove myself to the people around me. Jesus says, "Rest. Come to Me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls."

I feel alone. Jesus says, "I will never leave or forsake you."

Your departure has driven me insane; it has broken my heart deeper than I thought you could. But your departure has led to the most incredible life I've ever lived. Jesus has walked beside me, bringing life into my living. Because of your rejection, I have had the strength to try things that scare me. My life is radically different and more extravagant than I ever thought it could be and strangely enough you're the one who started the fire. I wish it had started some other way and that you were still here, but I can't wish those kind of things. I am choosing again to walk in this new life and look ahead instead of wallow in my yesterdays.