Sunday thoughts

"ash, look up. Look outside of this grime, outside of the mess your heart has fallen into." -Jesus

Looking up changed and changes my life. You see when I looked up, I saw, I felt, I came to know the love of a God I can't contain. When I looked up, His eyes bore right into the very crux of who I am and what I see still leaves me breathless. I saw specific, unique fondness of the person I am and deep, roaring, passionate love. A deep love He always longs for me to have, but a deep love I often forget about. I get so over concerned about my heart - about the mess it is, about the hurts it has - that all I focus on is telling Him about it ... instead of letting Him tell me who I am.

To tell me that I am cherished, that I am wanted, that every single day He sees me as being worth His effort and time. Who would unwaveringly commit themselves to loving someone so hard to reach, so stubborn acceptance is often a distant hope, so angry she rarely acts in the way she should.

I have been so mad at Him lately; my circumstances seem to be screaming that God doesn't give a crap about me, that He favours the people I love, but not the person I am. I choose to believe what I'm told about Him; that my circumstances dictate how He feels about me, that my circumstances define how much I'm worth.

You see, my circumstances, my life seem to point towards a life of little meaning and little significance. I am replaceable, I am not extraordinarily pretty, smart, unique or fashionable. There is nothing about me that screams take notice of me - for people rarely do. 

But there is one thing that sets me apart from the people around me, the only piece of life I feel I can offer people. I know I am loved. When I forget this, the me withers and all you're left with is a skeleton of someone who isn't really that much of anything. When I chose to live knowing and relishing in this, life, hope and love flow out of me so passionately I can't contain it.

"You are all I want, You are all I need. Everything my heart could hope for." Frick, I'm getting tired of walking through this life. I hate that in every situation, Satan is right there along with us, desperately pulling me away from You. I hate that lies are constantly overpowering my brain about how little I am worth, how un-special I am, when all You say over and over is: "ash, my heart is exploding with love for you. Words could never convey how much you mean to Me."

But I don't believe it. I stubbornly sit down and say, "No one could love me like that. No one does." I would rather choose to believe that than let His love fully rest in my heart. You see, if I let that love fully rest in my heart, I would have to give up my demands. I couldn't demand He bring someone into my life to love me because I would know His love for me was unquenchable. I would no longer need someone else to help me fit in because I would already fit.

Yes. I don't know what I'm plunging myself into, but I want to know Your love. I want to know You; these demands are wearing down my soul and I am so afraid You will never listen to them. But I want to want You more than my demands; I choose to say yes. Yes, I will let You love me.

Without a Voice

This month, I have abdicated my presence from both facebook and twitter. I knew it would be hard, but I wasn't it expecting it to be this difficult.

No one seems to notice that I am gone and in the process I've come to realize how dependent I was on having my voice heard. The snappy one liners, the thoughtful comments and subsequent appreciation. Now I have no appreciation and all my thoughts are left as that - my own thoughts.

I didn't realize how difficult it was to keep my thoughts in my own head. Since when did that happen? Since when did "sharing" them via some form of plastic become so important to my self-worth?

This total abdication is hard on me; who am I if no one is listening to me? Where is my worth if everyone is so busy doing their own thing they don't notice I've left?

El seems distant or rather I feel so messed up I don't want to be around Him. Everything I do lately seems to be selfish and "not good enough." My unspoken thoughts are torturing me and I feel like I'll spill my whole brain out on whoever happens to pass by. My whole presence is withering and I don't know how to wake it back up again.

All I need is Jesus, but I feel like I'm just stuffing my face full of everything but Him. Books, food, activities, people, homework. My inner being wants Jesus, but my flesh, the earthly part of me, wants to take care of myself on my own. I don't even know if it's just that; another huge piece is simply weary of Him -weary of what He's going to take away from me. Weary of being led through places I don't want to go.

My voice has been silenced and in the process I've come to realize I'm still a person without it, but I'm not the same person. I long to be heard, for my thoughts to be known. But if that's gone, am I still worth Jesus pursuing me? Am I still worth His effort? Am I still whole without a voice?

I guess we'll find out as the weeks pass.

In Love

Serious question: can you be in love with music?

I don't know if it's wrong, if it's silly or just plain weird. But music, actual music (not much of what makes it's way on to the # 1 charts), does something to me. It brings a piece of my heart to life and leaves me feeling just as giddy as having the coolest guy laugh at my jokes.

Okay, maybe a better word would be in severe like of music, not in love. Music mesmerizes me; it pushes me out of the ordinary and into a place where the unseen and physical world seem to meld for just a moment. Maybe that's why I love it so much; it somehow gives voice to the unspeakable.

Maybe I am a little in severe like.

ash

PS Here's who I'm in severe like of at the current moment

1. Dry the River
2. Ben Howard
3. Mindy Gledhill
4. Bombay Bicycle Club (and Jack Steadman - he seriously is GENIUS)
5. Grizzly Bear
6. Beirut
7. Temper Trap
8. Good Old War
9. Spring Offensive
10. A Silent Film

... that's a good start for the most enjoyable week.

http://soundcloud.com/ashlee-aitken/favorites

As You Are

I think these lyrics are going to change my life.

"Love me as you are" Ben Howard.

Okay, I know I'm a little crazy about this guy, not only does he have the best accent, style and awe-inspiring talent, but he has a depth and rawness about him I see in precious few others.

In this song, "Under the Same Sun," Ben is basically talking about how he's making plans and choosing to fall in love with a girl (No, it's not me. He doesn't who I am, unfortunately.). The girl is left in mystery; he seems to love her out of no bright quality of her own, but rather, simply and solely out of his heart. In this painful song, the question he keeps asking is, "Are you going to be there when the day's done? Are you going to stay under the same sun?"

And then all of the sudden, in the last minute of the song, everything changes.The melody is completely different, the rhythm is changed and these lyrics, almost a plea, are repeated over and over. "Love me as you are."

These lyrics may seem like a romanticizer's dream, a beautiful piece of art. But these lyrics have struck a deep chord in my heart, something I can't fully express.You see, these are the words God has been telling me over and over. "ash, love me as you are. Love me where you're at, not where you're going to be, not where you should be. Love me in this mess; love me through the disaster of your mistakes."

Am I going to be there? Am I going to stay under the same sun?

Love me as you are.

ash

Enough?

I often feel like I'm living in my own emotional sea - one moment I am at rest and my emotions can be fully delighted in - the next moment, a storm comes crashing through, absolutely everything is swung into upheaval and I'm left half drowning in the midst.

I was about to write a blog a few days ago and I was literally going to spend the whole thing writing about what rich friendships God has given me, about how obeying God and coming here may have been one of the best decisions I've ever made. That was a few days ago.

I am still wholly crazy about my friends and am most often left wonder-struck that such people would want to be a part of my life. And I'm still planning to write a chapter on them.

But tonight ... tonight I watched Lagaan again.

In the past few weeks, I've been clutching and gnawing on something Jesus told me. I had just come back home from giving some clothes away and was almost literally patting myself on the back for being such a generous and kind person. I thought to myself, "Who else is living this kind of life? Probably very few; God must be proud of me for living this way." As I was thinking all this, I knew I was being filled with pride and that the whole thing was likely to lead to a bigger sin.

What Jesus spoke to me in that moment took me back a bit. "It's not enough, ash." All these things I've been doing, they're not enough. And tonight after watching Lagaan, I'm at my complete wit's end. All I can do is look at myself and see complete disobedience and confusion. When I see God looking back at me, all I see is all encompassing disappointment with a rod of punishment in His hand. He has been patient, but there's no room left for that anymore. I am being willfully disobedient and ... and ... and

"Love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrongs. I have loved you with an everlasting love. After having received my Word by faith are you now trying to earn it with your works?"

You see watching Lagaan usually leaves me feeling a mixture of things, most often I feel guilty. The first time I watched Lagaan, I literally sobbed for 2 hours afterwards. All I could feel was this overpowering emptiness, this black void that came about me. This movie awakes a piece of me that I don't really know how to explain. In it, I come to see both the best of the people I love and their very worst. I feel that I am immersed in their heartbeat and as I do this, I am made overtly aware of how much they need to know (know-know) their Creator's love.

After sobbing for those 2 hours, I told Jesus I would go to them; I would be His representative. I was so willing and started making headway to do so. But then life happened ... a lot of stuff happened, much outside of my control, but some within. Needless to say, I didn't go.

I did make an effort in a different way (living amidst these people in my own country), but I still didn't feel like it was enough. After seeing the void and committing to be a representative, I often felt that doing anything less than physically being in their country was disobedience. But I was scared to go, my family didn't want me to go and I just didn't know logistically or logically why I would be going. My heart slowly became used to running on an Everest of guilt.

But you see sometimes I forget about the guilt. I moved here, I've done the whole school thing, I've seen a plethora of ridiculous things happen. I felt that I did obey God in coming here, but tonight I watched Lagaan and the whole Everest of hidden guilt came flash flooding over me again.

"All I am is disobedient; I'm selfish and living in fear. God must be keeping me single and with a lack of goals to punish me and make sure I will be alone and miserable enough in this place so that I finally move across the ocean." Is all this true? Was Jesus saying, "It's not enough, ash", just a piece of this larger puzzle I'm supposed to be getting. Is Jesus wholly devastated with who I've become? Is He angry with me for confusing His voice and forgetting that commitment I made to Him so long ago?

"I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly."

"ash, darling, you're making too much of yourself. The world is mine to rescue and take care of and you, my ash, are mine to treasure. I want you to live out that treasuredness wherever you find yourself. The world's life and death does not rest on your shoulders; it rests on Mine."

Love is patient, love is kind, it keeps no record of wrongs. Yes, I have been making a lot of bad choices lately (a lot of bad little choices), but if Jesus' love was based on my reactions I don't think it would be love. If I were to move across the ocean because of guilt, I would be a resounding gong or a clanging symbol for without this love that Jesus lives out in my life it is all useless.

"But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patent toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."

God will accomplish His purpose with or without me; I am not the foundation to the plan - Jesus is.

Spring's Eyes

Can you feel it? New air is seeping in and with it comes the longing for the new, the change.

The snow is slowly melting away and the days are staying light for just a little longer. It seems every day is a testament to the fact that winter will not always be. Maybe it's just me, but this season always pushes longings up.

At the ol' Bible School, spring seemed to be a time when the few leftovers with closed eyes came wholly awake to the possible available mates - spring fever. Though I silently somewhat envied the lovebirds, I outwardly and halfways inwardly, professed that spring was for more than smooching. But the idea (lovey love that is) is somewhat interconnected with the whole essence of spring.

Spring, I believe, is a time to come back to life, to take a chance and break out of old shells. Of all the seasons, this one most brings my often dusty, back-shelf ridden hope back to life. You see, winter is a beautiful, extravagant season, but it is hard. The plants go away, the nights are long, the air is too cold to enjoy the outside and we are stuck inside a roofed expanse. My soul, in part, goes into survival mode - focusing on habits that need to be changed, attitudes that need redirecting. It forgets about the reality of spring and the joy of summer and deems the present reality all it will know.

But then with little warning, spring starts to come. The snow is pushed back, the plants breathe in and suddenly they invade every corner. The light seems to be let loose and the temperature rises so much you forget to wear that old overcoat. My very being feels as if it is being let loose from a prison.

You see, spring makes hope become reality. I often get stuck in ruts; I quickly run back to my pessimistic ways believing everything will always stay the same. I will always be the random thumb, never measuring up or fitting in with the rest of the hand-consistently forced to a life of lonely substance. But then spring comes, my survival mode is forced away and the joy of living is shoved into my face.

Last night, I listened to a sermon by Erwin McManus (a huge favourite right now). A bit of background, I have been spending most of my time as of late listening, fighting and then listening again to voices which put me in a second rate position. You might know the voices yourself, the ones which challenge your beauty, worthiness, intelligence, lovability and life in general. Because of these voices, I had come to the conclusion that 1. I was not good enough  2. I would be single for the rest of my life as a result of that fact and 3. I was so unlovable even my closest friends would probably benefit from being around someone else.

I was in the midst of one of these pity parties when I had the "random" idea to listen to a sermon while doing some homework. Hmm... random? I stopped believing in chance long ago.  The main point of Erwin's sermon was to examine what voices we were listening to. A piece he repeated over and over again, was something God spoke to Adam and Eve. When God came upon Adam and Eve sinning, they hid themselves because as they said, they were naked. I never noticed before, but God's response is earth shattering; it seems to suck the air right out of my lungs.

"Who told you that?"

He always seems to know how to get through to me. "ash, who are you listening to? Who told you you weren't good enough? Was it me? Whose voice is dictating your life?"

With seemingly little effort, my heart was cornered and forced to deal with the lies it was holding. Did He tell me these things? No, I am certain of that. So what does that mean? What does He say? 

"You are exquisite and lovely, My darling, My ash. You are precious, the apple of My eye." 

Maybe the old, pessimistic overcoat is ready for the refuse pile. Spring is coming, I know it. I don't have to be stuck in these old ways. I can jump into change, knowing my exquisiteness because of the wholly pure love of the One who walks through these days with me. Life seems to be choosing me and I don't want to hide away from Him today. 

Romans Exegesis

Hey,

So this is a hefty topic, but I'm more or less posting it for my own documentation. I am going through the book of Romans (in the Bible) in Greek. I decided I should start recording my findings because isn't that just a much brighter thing to do? So I've already done a bit, but here's where this thing will start

Romans 3:25b

"This was to demonstrate His (emphasis on the His, so maybe I'll write it like this from now on (i.e. HIS) when emphasized) righteousness because of ... okay now here the sentence is getting really tricky. The word, "because of -(dia)" is a preposition, which is pointing to the accusative (The noun receiving the action), but the preposition has no accusative partner in this sentence. I think the author of my Greek-English parsing book may have split one very long sentence into two. So now I'm just straight up confused.

Okay, I think I found it. I think the dia is connected to the He (referring to God) in the next English sentence or it is implied (because of context) and connected to the word, God, that is in the genitive. The genitive case is the case where to put it simply, you can add the word "of" in front.

Moving forward, "This was to demonstrate HIS righteousness because God in His perseverance (this is one of the words my lexicon gave as an option for this particular word (avoxn). They said most of the NT definitions were forbearance, but to be honest, I feel this particular word has little relevance or connection in modern day English.) passed over (or let remain un-punished) previous sins."

3:26

"It was also for the purpose of  the demonstration of His righteousness at the present (right now) time, so that (this means with the result of (ie end result)) HE might be just and the Justifier of the person (I have a couple options here, so I'll list them:) 1. who has or 2. out of the  or 3.or part of the group that has  faith in Jesus."

"Where then is boasting? It has been excluded. By means of what kind of law? A law of works? No, but by means of the law of faith."

3:28-29

"For we emotionally and logically hold to or conclude that a person is justified  by faith apart from works of the law. Is God only the God of the Jews? Is He not also the God of the Gentiles? Yes, of the Gentiles too."

3:30

"Because God is one ..." This statement is key to the Paul's whole thought. Basically, He is outright saying, "God is the God of you (i.e. the Jews) and of Gentiles. He is one and the same God." He was in a way reminding them of their history (The Lord is our God, the Lord is one). (Random insert, I read a historical fiction book this past summer on Hezekiah. In it, she quoted this statement as, "Yahweh is the Lord, Yahweh alone." I have not researched this subject at all and don't know if this is a better or worse interpretation). 

The main point of my whole paragraph is to say, Paul was blatantly teaching that the Gentiles are now part of God's chosen people. The Jews had to make room for them in their home.

"Because God is one, HE will justify (this is an action that Will Happen in the future) the
circumcised ..." (i.e. probably referring to the Jews. The Jews often got into disputes and fights at this point in time over the issue of circumcision. They believed it was a necessity for salvation. However, Paul and the apostles were desperately trying to teach them that it's all about our faith in Jesus. If we're using circumcision as a necessity for salvation than we also have to obey every letter of the whole entire law.

If anyone thought that might work, Paul soundly demolished that thought. Throughout the past two depressing chapters, he aptly showed us how much we suck in that area. The world is full of people who know good, but do evil instead. We follow our cravings and ignore the conscience God has given us. And in the times when we want to do good, we do evil instead. In the words of Paul, `Who can save us from this body of death?  ... Thanks be to JESUS CHRIST."

It is Jesus who comes forward for us, who stands up for us. He walks into the arena to face the punishment for our selfish, demented actions. And knowing the punishment would cost Him His life and would separate Him from the One He loved most (His Dad), He still walked forward. That is such a deep love, I can't fully fathom it. How could someone love the real me, who is utterly death-like (i.e. disdainful, self-focused, full of hared, bitterness, jealousy, loneliness and fear), so much that He would risk and lose everything close to His heart to give me a CHANCE (not a guarantee) of being with Him.  The only words that come to mind are,"Praise be to Jesus who loved me."

"Because God is one, HE will justify the circumcised on the basis of (this is my own thought here, I think the phrase "on the basis of" (i.e. ek) could have been translated, "by means of (i.e. how they're justified)" their faith. It sounds really weird, but in order to match the next half of the sentence that may be a better translation.) their faith and the uncircumcised by means of (or "on the basis of" perhaps?) of the same faith."

Yikes, that would been like a slap in the face to the religious Jews. They were following the law and had been doing all these things for God for years. Now, just like that, Paul is elevating the Gentiles onto the same level as them not because of what they did, but because of what Jesus did for them. Talk about demolishing your worldview.

3:31

Do we completely rid ourselves of the law (or make the law useless) by means of faith? What are you stupid? No way! On the contrary, we uphold/stand firmly behind the law.

4:1
What then shall we (though not proper grammatically, most of us would say, "What then can we") say that Abraham our ancestor/forefather discovered about this?

4:2
For if Abraham was set free/vindicated/justified because of what he did, than he has something to boast about, but not around God.

TO DO 4:3-5

4:6
-(Will write more later) - forgiveness-abandon, let go of the deed done against AND total acceptance of the deed'er'  and state of the verb forgive - gnomic present, stative active and regular indicative