Dear Friend,
This morning I finished listening to the "Last Battle" by Lewis and it has so affected me that I wanted to tell you about it. Every time I hear it, my heart swells up within me and I can do nothing but sit there and cry.
Have you ever felt a longing deeper than anything else you've ever dreamt or thought about? Has your soul ached for a reality you can't see, but your insides scream there must be? Have you ever been in complete devastation and heard a voice whisper into it-a voice that knows you better than anyone else and who your soul responds to like it does to no one else.
Oh friend, my heart has never wanted anything as much as I want this. I want to be home; I want to be out of the shadows and living in reality with Him.
I don't know quite how to explain it you. When I listen to the "Last Battle" my heart is silenced, I see a picture of the place I belong. The place where everything I have gone through will fall to the way side in the sheer brilliance of seeing Him. Seeing Him look into my heart, seeing Him smile at me with tears as in His eyes as I finally get to run into His arms and be enveloped in His physical presence. The place where my heart will be free in unrivaled joy basking in Christ's love with no hindrances or distractions.
This is my home; the only place I wholly and fully belong.
I love Lewis, not because he is a great theologian (though he is) and not because of his brilliant arguments that could persuade one's thinking (though they have), but because he has opened the door to the God I know and closed the door to the God I know about. As I have gone through the Chronicles of Narnia, though it is but a children's story, I have encountered God in a way I always wanted but never knew was possible.
Have you ever longed to be loved fully and simply being you with no demands and no hidden agenda. Though I have longed for it, I feel that every earthly love I've known has let me down. They have each proved themselves flawed in some way or another, but then this un-tameable God burst into my life full of radiant colours. Looking into my very core, He smiles with tears in His eyes and embraces me. Heedless of the dirt and grime, He loves me freely and completely with no strings attached. He loves me simply because He wants to.
This is a picture He gave me a few days ago which explains my line of thinking a bit better. I was overwhelmed by my sin yet again and was sitting on the floor moping about it. When I closed my eyes, I saw a picture of God coming to my side and all my veilings disappeared, leaving my heart completely exposed. My heart was so disgusting; it was full of green gook and black mold, you could hardly recognize its proper shape underneath all the blackness. And then He took my heart cradled it in His hands and His tears mixed with His own blood started falling down onto it. Every place these tears fell washed the grime away. I looked up into His face and saw Him whispering, "Oh my ashlee, my ashlee, how I long for you to be free."
I have never known such love; freely and extravagantly given with no demands. And knowing such love, I have never loved Someone as much as I will always love Him. Freely I love You and freely I wholly long to give my entire self to You-not because I am demanded to, but because I want to.
And that my friend is who I long to be home with. I love the pictures He gives me and I love walking with Him through this life, but my heart aches for the days when we can walk together with nothing trying to pull us apart-where the shadows pass away and I am in reality.
There is so much more to write, but I think it's time to keep moving.
-ash
Friday, 13 May 2011
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Early May Thoughts
This may seem a little everywhere. I don't have much time and desperately want to get out what I've been thinking...so here goes.
I've been reading this book by George Mueller (autobiography-actually). And it has been challenging my socks off.
One of the main things that challenged me was his perspective about reading. He basically ditched all his commentaries on the Bible and all the good books about inspiring Christians and decided to read the Bible alone (in Greek, Hebrew, German and English versions-yep, he was just that smart).
Anyhow, in the midst of reading this he said something that ripped off the page and smacked itself across my face. He said, "Why am I spending so much time reading material by people that are flawed and sinful like me, when I could be using that same time to read a book that God Himself wrote (and the Holy Spirit will be helping me to understand)?"
If you are in need of a good smack across the head, I suggest reading his autobiography. Almost everything he's said makes me cringe and rejoice. He is blunt and to the point-hmm...maybe I could learn something from that too?...
Okay, back to the other thought. I haven't ditched all my other reading yet, but I have started reading -thoroughly reading- my Bible these past days. And goodness gracious, I have been learning SO much!
Now here (finally) is the part I wanted to write about-Genesis 11:5-7. Go read it.
I'm sure you did a skim reading (well, maybe not...that's just what I always do:). But take a minute and think over it again. God came down to the city-first of all how cool is that? And by come down, does that mean he came in human form and was checking out the city or was He just invisibly hover flying over it?
So God came down to the city and said this little line that has the potential to change my life, "Behold, they are one people, and they all have the same language. And this is what they began to do, and now nothing which they purpose to do will be impossible for them."
Do you realize what this says? God had to step in and act because whatever these people purposed to do would happen. They were united and had one goal in mind; hence, nothing... NOTHING ... (well, besides God and His quick thinking) would be impossible for them.
Do you know what this statement could mean for the church? If we as God's people were united with one goal in mind of seeing God's kingdom become a reality on earth, nothing could stop us! Do you feel empowered? Do you feel ridiculously excited?
-ash
I've been reading this book by George Mueller (autobiography-actually). And it has been challenging my socks off.
One of the main things that challenged me was his perspective about reading. He basically ditched all his commentaries on the Bible and all the good books about inspiring Christians and decided to read the Bible alone (in Greek, Hebrew, German and English versions-yep, he was just that smart).
Anyhow, in the midst of reading this he said something that ripped off the page and smacked itself across my face. He said, "Why am I spending so much time reading material by people that are flawed and sinful like me, when I could be using that same time to read a book that God Himself wrote (and the Holy Spirit will be helping me to understand)?"
If you are in need of a good smack across the head, I suggest reading his autobiography. Almost everything he's said makes me cringe and rejoice. He is blunt and to the point-hmm...maybe I could learn something from that too?...
Okay, back to the other thought. I haven't ditched all my other reading yet, but I have started reading -thoroughly reading- my Bible these past days. And goodness gracious, I have been learning SO much!
Now here (finally) is the part I wanted to write about-Genesis 11:5-7. Go read it.
I'm sure you did a skim reading (well, maybe not...that's just what I always do:). But take a minute and think over it again. God came down to the city-first of all how cool is that? And by come down, does that mean he came in human form and was checking out the city or was He just invisibly hover flying over it?
So God came down to the city and said this little line that has the potential to change my life, "Behold, they are one people, and they all have the same language. And this is what they began to do, and now nothing which they purpose to do will be impossible for them."
Do you realize what this says? God had to step in and act because whatever these people purposed to do would happen. They were united and had one goal in mind; hence, nothing... NOTHING ... (well, besides God and His quick thinking) would be impossible for them.
Do you know what this statement could mean for the church? If we as God's people were united with one goal in mind of seeing God's kingdom become a reality on earth, nothing could stop us! Do you feel empowered? Do you feel ridiculously excited?
-ash
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Unfortunate
So....
Somebody ran into my car today. Almost no cars in the parking lot and for some reason mine got backed into- I know, how ridiculous.
But do you know what's ridiculously sweet? I responded completely differently than I thought I would. My friend once said, "Everything is overwhelming and scary until it actually happens to you. Once it happens, you just deal with it."
Random, but I think I'm finding it to be true. El took such good care of me, even though the event itself was somewhat unfortunate. My car is still drivable, my dad still lives in the same town as me so he was able to come help me, the "runner-into" was extremely kind and considerate. And eventually I'll have a beautiful new door to replace one that was slightly dented beforehand.
And guess what? It's just a thing. That's one of the first "things" El told me. I'm not defined by what I'm wearing or what I'm driving. I'm defined by His love; that's it. One of my profs once talked about how we could walk through the streets in a potato sack and still be worth as much as we were sitting in that room, dolled up and engaging in intellectual conversations. And now I have a chance to put it into practice.
Cool, yep. Fun, nope.
Oh well...and random side note, I am falling in love with "Foster the People" this week...so awesome. You should listen to them.
-ash
Somebody ran into my car today. Almost no cars in the parking lot and for some reason mine got backed into- I know, how ridiculous.
But do you know what's ridiculously sweet? I responded completely differently than I thought I would. My friend once said, "Everything is overwhelming and scary until it actually happens to you. Once it happens, you just deal with it."
Random, but I think I'm finding it to be true. El took such good care of me, even though the event itself was somewhat unfortunate. My car is still drivable, my dad still lives in the same town as me so he was able to come help me, the "runner-into" was extremely kind and considerate. And eventually I'll have a beautiful new door to replace one that was slightly dented beforehand.
And guess what? It's just a thing. That's one of the first "things" El told me. I'm not defined by what I'm wearing or what I'm driving. I'm defined by His love; that's it. One of my profs once talked about how we could walk through the streets in a potato sack and still be worth as much as we were sitting in that room, dolled up and engaging in intellectual conversations. And now I have a chance to put it into practice.
Cool, yep. Fun, nope.
Oh well...and random side note, I am falling in love with "Foster the People" this week...so awesome. You should listen to them.
-ash
Friday, 22 April 2011
Friday
Dear Friend,
So today I have the day off...no plans, no real commitments, nothing. I forgot what that was like. I have been so busy these days, constantly running from one thing to the other. I don't really remember the last time I actually flat out rested. And do you know what happened when I finally got to the point where I could stop? I freaked out; I got ridiculously overwhelmed with the thought that I had nothing to do.
What happened to me?
Wasn't it just last summer when I was preaching to everyone, trying to get them to see the need to just be-to stop doing and be? How did I get to this place where I'm scared of having nothing on my agenda? Well, the two jobs and scads of commitments probably help a bit :)....
But in all seriousness, where did this attitude come from?
And El being just as awesome as He always His, whispered into my fragile state of mind, "Come away with Me." So I went outside, sat in the sunshine and remembered. Remembered the joy of enjoying my days and forgetting the preciousness of time. Breathe in the air, look at the grass, watch the insects, notice life-forget the hour and enjoy the life I've been given.
Yes, I think I have (for the most part) been making the best out of a hectic schedule, but I think it's time to opt out of the hectic schedule. This is what my life was made for - to enjoy and be enjoyed - not to rush around trying to make it through.
I feel like I'm still thinking...wait a second, you're reading the thoughts of someone who thinks too much ('The Surface' This Beautiful Republic). Maybe, it's time to just stop.
-ash
So today I have the day off...no plans, no real commitments, nothing. I forgot what that was like. I have been so busy these days, constantly running from one thing to the other. I don't really remember the last time I actually flat out rested. And do you know what happened when I finally got to the point where I could stop? I freaked out; I got ridiculously overwhelmed with the thought that I had nothing to do.
What happened to me?
Wasn't it just last summer when I was preaching to everyone, trying to get them to see the need to just be-to stop doing and be? How did I get to this place where I'm scared of having nothing on my agenda? Well, the two jobs and scads of commitments probably help a bit :)....
But in all seriousness, where did this attitude come from?
And El being just as awesome as He always His, whispered into my fragile state of mind, "Come away with Me." So I went outside, sat in the sunshine and remembered. Remembered the joy of enjoying my days and forgetting the preciousness of time. Breathe in the air, look at the grass, watch the insects, notice life-forget the hour and enjoy the life I've been given.
Yes, I think I have (for the most part) been making the best out of a hectic schedule, but I think it's time to opt out of the hectic schedule. This is what my life was made for - to enjoy and be enjoyed - not to rush around trying to make it through.
I feel like I'm still thinking...wait a second, you're reading the thoughts of someone who thinks too much ('The Surface' This Beautiful Republic). Maybe, it's time to just stop.
-ash
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