Hope

I listened to a message this morning - I thought it was supposed to be about Christmas. With a title like, "Anna and Simeon: Christmas ..."  it seemed like a safe choice.

I wasn't really expecting what the pastor ended up speaking on: hope. Hope, a word that makes me cringe and back away in doubt and fear. Maybe, I should clarify my feelings about this word. I'm a pessimist ... completely. If you say, "I think you're smart," I'll assume you're saying it to get on my good side. If God says, "I'll take care of you," I'll wonder how much.

Late last night, I sat on my sister's bed talking and finally found words to express how I've been living. I live as someone expecting the worst, so I can be surprised if the worst doesn't happen. It seems so much safer to expect the worst than to be crushed by the weight of hope unfulfilled.

I don't think God wants me to live like this anymore. 

To hope is to have such unshakeable faith that you are unhindered by past, present and future circumstances. It's to know God is good regardless of what anyone else says. It is to wait expectantly for Him to come through and fulfill that goodness in my own life.

Do you know how scary that is? I feel like it would be easier to tread through the Amazon than to hope expectantly on God. To say, "I believe You will come through on this for me and I will trust in that." could possibly the scariest thing I have ever said to God.

But what if He doesn't come through? What if I'm always waiting for Him to act? What if He isn't as good as the Bible seems to portray?

I feel like I need to have these questions answered before I'll be ready to hope. But I don't think God wants that anymore. I think He wants to bump me up to this new level in our relationship regardless, maybe almost because, He has not answered these questions.Do I think this God I've come to know is worthy of me putting my heart on the line and hoping? Is He worth the danger of possibly having a hope unrealized?

Christmas! letter

Dear you,

I'm sitting here listening to Noah Gundersen, feeling a little emotionally exhausted, and in the mood to do something (yes, you're talking to a do-do-doer). So what do I have to say in another Christmas letter, another year passed? Was the year worth it? Did it make an impact on who I'm becoming?

2011 has been the crappiest, hardest, most incredible year of my life so far. A year I would be okay not living through again, but one I'm sincerely grateful for.

If you had asked me at the beginning of the year where I would be this Christmas, I would have given you a far different answer than my present reality. This year began with me seeing a person I thought I would marry. Needless to say, the situation wasn't right and in February we parted ways. In my brokenness, a sort of unknown bravery invaded my heart. The first thing this new bravery brought about was the move to a new church ... which is one of the best decisions I've made. The first Sunday I went, they sang a song and repeated the words, "Though there's pain in the night, there will be joy in the morning. You work everything for my good." I just stood there, cried and let the words soak over me. Jesus always seem to touch my heart in the deepest ways when I'm most broken.

That same night as I was driving home, a car swerved into my lane. Driving at highway speed, I hit the snowy ditch and started spinning wildly across the highway with multiple cars driving towards me. For some reason, none of the cars hit me and my car ended up stopping and stalling facing the wrong direction. Again another car was driving straight towards me while my light were off and I couldn't put my brain together in time to figure out how to get away ... For some 'reason' though, this car also didn't hit me.

When I look back at this event now, I know it was God giving me a picture to clearly represent my life. I feel as though the life I used to have died that foggy day in February, but for some reason I was still living - given a chance to live a new life. And I feel like this has been the story of my this year-living a new life.

Part of this new life was learning, being stretched and challenged in completely new ways in a church with a completely different background than I was used to. I spent so many evenings talking through things with Sammi-my brother. I'm glad you live right beside me!

New Life-Part 2. Switching jobs. After spending almost 7 months working at the walking track and cleaning houses, I felt God gave me the go ahead to jump back into my old job. I've never quit a job to go work somewhere else. I didn't know it could be so unnerving to hand in a two weeks' notice for something like this (I've always had the better excuse of moving and/or going back to school).

Part 3. Applying to and choosing to actually go through with moving 12 hours away to go to University. When August hit, I packed my earthly possessions, said good-bye to my friends and moved into a city where I had approximately 2 acquaintances. First of all as a random side note, I've never had such a crappy move in my life. It seemed like anything that could go wrong did - and in my head, this was the best confirmation I could get to know this new city was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Moving has been a bit of an everywhere experience. I have loved becoming close to a group of people I would have otherwise never met. Though at the same time, I have deeply missed the people I'd left behind. My classes are incredible; I can't imagine taking anything I would love more than this. Though at the same time, I have so missed connecting with the people I loved working with previously. My classmates have literally changed the way I live my life and given me the courage I needed to start becoming the person I want to be. This isn't the funnest experience all the time though - sometimes, change pushes me in ways I don't want to be pushed. But in all of this, I've learned to be bold (well at least more than I used to be :), how to cook a lot of different food, how to be responsible and what a treasure a true friend is.

Throughout this year, I think this last point is the biggest change I've seen in my life. Jesus has proved His friendship to be deeper and truer than any other. He has become my closest acquaintance in the times when I haven't had anyone else to talk to and now is the person I want to talk to when I am able to be around people. He is so incredible. I've never met anyone who has been so relentless in teaching me to be and act out what my heart has been impacted on.

This isn't wholly related, but seems like a good 'ender'. In the midst of the summer, He gave me these verses and I think they sum up what I have already started feeling. "Greater love has no one than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends. ... No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing. Instead, I call you friends ... "(Jn. 15) I feel like I've never read these verses until this year. Jesus was blatantly saying I can't love you anymore this; the biggest thing I could do for you, I've done. I'll die for you because this is the deepest, greatest way I can show you what is in my heart - love for you.

Mmm...just talking about this makes me feel safe.

So you've heard a bit about some of the harder parts, but now I want to finish with the incredible parts.

1. Learning to live with less - so freeing

2. Learning to actually speak my mind when I'm around people I both know and don't know very well- didn't know I could do that

3. Got a cricket for a pet - best 10 weeks

4. Got to meet and renew friendships with the sweetest people -refreshing

5. Ate food from a dumpster -yep

6. Got to support one of my best friends as she married one of the most incredible people I've met -honoured

7. Got to watch Aaron Gillespie and Switchfoot in concert -haven't been that excited in a long time

8. Learned how to drive a tractor and a bunch of ginormous lawn mowers -so scary, but kind of ridiculously exhilarating

9. Got to see one of my favourite singers perform in someone's living room - so awesome

10. Surprised my dad and brother by showing up in a town they were playing hockey in (I showed up at the rink with a sign saying, "I love [insert my last name] boys" and waited for them to see the sign - like a boss

11. Got to meet my uncle's fiancee and her son- wonderful

12. Have been able to spend a plethora of weekends with my grandparents as they live right near this new city - unexpected delight

13. Got twitter and a new phone -my family is relentless in pushing my technological advances

14. Found the sweetest music and have so enjoyed listening to it

15. Went dancing with a bunch of old and random people in a senior's home - kind of hilarious

16. Got to become close friends with an older couple from the community - delightful

17. Went on 3 road trips with Mulroney (my car) and some of the best people I know - surprised both Mulroney and I could last that long

18. Found out I could run a lot farther and harder than I thought I could - empowering

19. Have been able to have weekly phone dates with 2 of my sisters - I feel like I know them way better than I ever did

20. Have seen Jesus change, heal and impassion my heart with His dreams - life changing

Last years' thoughts, todays' needed lesson

I've been thinking recently. Not a new habit, but just the same.

Today, I was burdened...not by the pressures around me, but from the pit inside me. This week I had seen victories and grew proud in the process. Then today rolled around. I was so taken aback by my own sinfulness, I didn't recognize the person I am. How can I claim victory when I am so self-absorbed? Why would God listen to me when I choose who to invest my love and time in and who to ignore and dislike? Why would Jesus give mercy to a person who should already know all of this?

I was wrestling through all of this when I saw an old man crossing the street. He had a severe limp and had trouble even crossing. All of the sudden, he started trying to run and flailing his arms to try and prevent the oncoming bus from leaving without him. I felt so helpless sitting there watching him and to be honest was very near tears at the sight.

"Ash, I made you like that." God whispered into my ear. "Your heart beats that way because I made it that way."

Who chooses to affirm a person who only feels like they need discipline? You do.

"Ash, you are like that man. You have forgotten how fragile you are. You have forgotten how much You need me."

Oh, how my heart needs Him. I am so prone to everything my soul hates. I stumble around like a person in a blackened tunnel without Him. My conversations, my heart, loses its life when He isn't a part of the picture.

And this is what has got me thinking tonight. Is changing less about discipline, but rather about replacing? Replacing my hatred at being mistreated with the truth that Jesus was mistreated because of and for me? Replacing my longing for acceptance with this roaring fire of His love? Maybe change isn't so much about what I need to do all the time, but more about letting His love fully, truly settle into my heart.


Yet as I sit here, I know my heart still doesn't fully know this. I still long for things other than Him and when I'm downright honest, I don't know what all of those things are. One of those things is that I want myself more than I want Him. I want to protect my heart from destruction, keep my life organized and have the authority to say yes and no. I want to be my own boss.

"Oh ash, can't you see that's why I've let you be broken?"

In my utmost brokenness, I've found raging rivers of life. When the very worst thing happened, You worked it together to my good. When I stepped out trembling, You held me the entire way-not letting it be easy, but never letting me be devastated.

Maybe I should continue in this journey of replacing.

November Entry

El,

I'm reeling; I'm not okay. I feel deceived, hurt and used . again .

I need to see past myself, but right now I feel so overwhelmed, so confused, so ... Jesus, I can't keep looking at the me, can I?

The thought that comes to mind is when A____ found her husband shot dead for following you. You told her, "A_____, see this through my eyes. This is precious in my sight." She CHOSE  to look at this through Your eyes.

Jesus, I'm so hurt, but all I want to do is curl up in Your arms. Only You fill my soul. Rapha. Oh El, I wasn't expecting life to be this hard, but I know You. I know You are good to me always, I know You are faithful when no one else is. I know You are constant when everyone else leaves. I know You know me and I have seen so evidently that You want my best more than anyone else. I am choosing You.

You stay the same through the ages. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Oh Jesus, I so wasn't wanting You to sing this over me again this year.

"This wind is strong and this water is deep, but I'm not alone here in these open seas because Your love never fails. The chasm is far too wide, I don't think I'll reach the other side, but Your love never fails. You stay the same through the ages. Your love never changes. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid because I know that You love me." (Your Love Never Fails-Jesus Culture)

- YOU MAKE ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD -

2010 Thoughts

Why, oh why, are You ... do You love me like this? I suck, my life is full of wrong choices, hurtful decisions and shameful memories. For moments there are glimmers of hope, but I quickly dim them with an act of selfishness.

And this is how I come to You-destitute, stained, ashamed, frustrated and hopelessly sinful. But You with those eyes, those eyes that take a glance and see every piece of my past and present, come close and ask if You can wash me, cleanse me, renew this devastated heart. Lord, how I wish that I wouldn't make it necessary for this to happen again, but my El, how I love being loved by You-how my soul rejoices under Your healing and purifying touch.

Your love eternally binds me to You. Not what I have done for we both know how miserably I fail here, not by my faithfulness for my heart is often captivated by things far less beautiful, not in my strength for the longer I walk with You the weaker I find I am, but by Your love. You, my delightful King, my Teacher of unmatched faithfulness, my closest friend, my Listener as well as the loudest Truth Advocate I know, my Intimate Lover, my song, my heart's satisfaction and life's meaning, oh how precious we are to be loved by You.

With You

I like repetition; I treasure consistency ... but then I started walking through life with you.

I like the routine, I don't mind not being seen, but then I met you.

You have thrown my life into complete disarray. Every corner of myself has been lit up with such overwhelming life all I can do is be swept in.

You are all I want. You are all I need.

Where did you come from? I can't see where we started, but I can't imagine life without you. Life, Rapha, Peace. Names that invoke deep memories. Deserts of agony that only serve as reminders of your goodness in a faithless world.

I have never met anyone who longs for my good as much as you do. Strength in these storms, my crevice in the war, my hope in the midst of a black night, resilient joy in overwhelming pain. My words serve as but a faint picture, a piece of us.

You are more than anyone I have ever met and I would rather be with you than anyone else. I never knew what commitment was until you gave it to me. Love seemed but a trivial word until Yours showed me what it was.

Only You fill my soul. I love being loved by You.

-ash

Glimpse into my unfinished book

Fire turned water

Desolation becoming eternal hope

Bitterness lost in irrepressible joy

But for me,

Life destroyed for death

Hope crushed by vice

Joy slaughtered in lust

How long will You remain silent?

Speak and I will listen.

 Though I wait, no sound I hear

Will your voice forever abate?

Yet this I call to mind

And therefore I have hope

Because of His great love, we are not consumed.

He has promised and will come

Delving streams in the wasteland

Avenging what was lost.

 

Cease striving and know, my soul

Even amidst this desert

He has come

Sometimes

Sometimes, everything I do makes me miss you. Sometimes, I fall into a pit of self-hatred because I don't know what I did to make you leave. Sometimes, I cry because I feel alone without you. Sometimes, I forget only to be reminded. Sometimes, I feel ridiculous that it's taking me so long to work through this.

Sometimes, I am broken again only to be healed again. Sometimes I fall back in this pit only to be lifted out again.

Oh friend, I could never express how much my soul has missed you since you left. I could never explain how many times I've wished something could change. How many times I've examined my heart, body and mind to find what drove you away.

But it's in these times, that Jesus comes ... into these moments where I see how broken I still am. He holds me in truth when I am overwhelmed by these lies pounding me to the ground. He picks me up when I feel suffocated underneath these waves of self-hatred.


I feel so many things that aren't true.

I feel unwanted. But Jesus says, "ashlee, my darling, I want you so much that I died to have you with me."

I feel ugly. But Jesus says, "You are precious and intricately woven together. Your beauty is extravagant not because of people's notice, but because I have made you that way."

I feel like I'm not enough. But Jesus says, "Come into my arms just the way you are because you fit and are loved just the way you are."

I feel like I need to prove myself to the people around me. Jesus says, "Rest. Come to Me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls."

I feel alone. Jesus says, "I will never leave or forsake you."

Your departure has driven me insane; it has broken my heart deeper than I thought you could. But your departure has led to the most incredible life I've ever lived. Jesus has walked beside me, bringing life into my living. Because of your rejection, I have had the strength to try things that scare me. My life is radically different and more extravagant than I ever thought it could be and strangely enough you're the one who started the fire. I wish it had started some other way and that you were still here, but I can't wish those kind of things. I am choosing again to walk in this new life and look ahead instead of wallow in my yesterdays.

Rapha

So tonight I feel like I'm starting to get it...or perhaps my mind was refreshed into the truth it already knew: it's not about me.

These past weeks, since moving, my relationship with God has been up and down to say the least. For the most part, I have felt distant from Him. I've been trying to figure out the problem, but have had little success. But tonight I think I am finally seeing the problem; my angle of focus has been slightly, barely noticeably, altered. Instead of focusing on the God who lives in me, I have been looking at the me. Instead of being in love with my Healer, I am in love with the healed i.e. myself.

It's not that I'm so worried about what people will think of me and it's not that I need people's affirmation. It's that I have been looking in the world around me for ways to glorify myself -whether or not that includes human affirmation.

And when I'm in love with myself, then life feels dull, listless and empty. I've been longing for life, but I've been too captivated with myself to accept it. And it's ironic because when I am least focused on myself and most in love with God, I am most myself. When I am lost in His promises and letting His love seep into my heart, I am most beautiful and captivating (the things I strive for but can never quite achieve when I'm looking at myself).

The word that kept coming to mind tonight has been: Yahweh-Rapha-the Lord is Healer. Rapha-Healer. Here I sit, not knowing my place in a city that's not my own, far away from the life I love, dirty with the hasty decisions of a do-do-doer and a terrible spokesperson for the cause of Christ's death and the hope of His resurrection. But His name is Healer-the one who makes bitter things sweet.

These are my life verses and I'm going to end with them-they seem fitting at the moment.

But [ashlee] said, “The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”  

[But the Lord replied] “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
   and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me"

For I have loved you with an everlasting love
-Jesus



Jesus, loving You changes me.

-ashlee

Mover

So here I sit in this small, now delightfully cozy bedroom pondering my life and finally gaining the stamina to walk forward in this somewhat unwanted chapter.

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, 

because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."

Maybe, you need some background info. I moved this week-we trekked through several districts, plopped my stuff down and said goodbye to each other. I didn't realize moving could be so tumultuous, not only did the vehicle have minor issues, it also broke down completely and 
we got to wait overnight because the highway was closed. If anything, it was not the ideal picture I had in mind of stepping into another chapter of life. But strangely enough, it was an adventure I accepted with surprising dignity (completely un-ashlee-like for the most part). 

And now that the rubber has hit the road, I'm alone in this foreign place, taking classes and trying to figure out my purpose in being here. To be honest, these days (at least large portions of them) get to go in my 'most awful' album. All I want to do is go home; I can't see a way out and my heart hasn't had that soul-connecting moment that makes me want to stay.

I thought I knew God's call; actually I know I heard God's call-the nasty drive down confirmed it; this is where He wants me and someone else does not. 

Just this past hour when I read the above verse, my vision has started changing. I have been moping, heart-sick and depressed-a shadow of who I usually am. But...what a good word...I can see a purpose being lined out right in front of me. 

Even after a few days, I can easily see  people here that are openly broken-running from pasts that haunt or overwhelm them. And there I come into the midst, Christ's only disciple.
There I sit holding the pitcher of water they long for. There I am connected to the life they need to come alive.

If ever I had a purpose, it is now. If ever I had a clear vision placed in front of me, it is today-no wonder these days have been so wretched.

There is nothing special about me; I am not an incredible disciple. But this God, this being who stays truer than even my closest friend, is placing in front of me an opportunity to be His representative, His delegate, His Signet Ring, to these specific people. I think every Christian is called into this, but I know we get sidetracked building into one another instead of looking out our doors. Oh that we would live up to what we have been called to.

Norway 07/23/11

Dear Friend,

This morning, hoping to boost my ego, I hopped on the computer to check my e-mail. Seeing a lack of mail, I continued browsing through the web looking at the news. And in that search, I stumbled on what has happened in Norway. 

If you are as ignorant as me, this may come as a surprise, but yesterday one man bombed a building full of people (killing only 7 right now) and then proceeded to go to a youth camp where he shot 87 young people. The part that rips into me the most is that this demon-possessed man pretended to be a police officer luring youth out of hiding; after luring them out, he shot at point blank range. He would shoot anyone trying to run or swim away (they were locked away on an island where the camp was being held)-all they could do was stay still and hope not to be seen. 

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to say, what to do. How do you reach out to people across the world, how do you pray for people whose lives have changed forever? How do you fall into God's heart for this? 

Everything reeks of depravity. This is not what He wanted. When He formed the mountains and breathed humans into existence, He longed for fellowship and love to work itself out in action - not this. 

I heard a person once say, "This world sucks. I am going to do everything I can to get Jesus to come back as fast as He can and that means telling as many people as I can about Him." I agreed in theory, but my heart didn't respond with his words. On days like today, my eyes seem to open to reality and all I want is for Jesus to come back purging and making us whole again. 

I have tried to, but cannot even imagine what these people went through. I struggled this morning knowing what to do. Every action I could think of doing seemed too small, too little in the light of what has happened. They don't need my money and a simple prayer seems much too weak. 

I talked to El about it for awhile, or rather let Him hear my heart groanings...I don't think I said very much intelligible thought. And He reminded me of something KP Yohannan said (this isn't exact as it is from memory) "When I see horrors happen around the world, all I can do is fast and pray. And when my children come and ask me why I look so sad and why I'm not eating, I can tell them this is how Jesus feels about the situation. His heart is broken over this and mine is also."

So I think that's what I'm going to do today. I don' want to appear as someone who is super spiritual because if anyone knows this isn't true it's me and El. But I don't think it would be fitting for me to do anything else, but fast today.

I hope our hearts are further moulded into His design today. 

"My eyes fail from weeping,

I am in torment within,

my heart is poured out on the ground

because my people are destroyed,

because children and infants faint

in the streets of the city.

What can I say for you? 

With what can I compare you...

To what can I liken you, 

that I may comfort you?

Your wound is as deep as the sea,

Who can heal you? 

Let your tears flow like a river day and night;

give yourself no relief, 

your eyes no rest.

Arise, cry out in the night,

as the watches of the night begin;

pour out your heart like water

In the presence of the Lord,

lift up your hands to Him

for the lives of your children.

….

Because of the Lords’ great love we are not consumed,

For his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is your faithfulness.

[We] say to [ourselves], “The Lord is [our] portion;

Therefore [we] will wait for Him.

It is good to wait quietly

For the salvation of the Lord.

Let him sit alone in silence

For the Lord has laid it on him.

Let him bury his face in the dust-

There may yet be hope.”

Surprise

I didn't see you coming

Caught off guard and swept in

Lost in that smile

Disappointed to look away

Your laugh, your eyes etched in my memory

Your personality beckoning me wait

Oh my dear, I didn't see you coming

Left scared to reminisce 

Afraid of falling

Don't walk away

6 ways to die in 6 days

Dear Friend,

After an 'eventful' or should I say 'catastrophic' handful of 'near misses' days, I thought I would compose a list for you. Maybe it will be continued, but for my mother's sake let's hope not.

1. Day # 1.  Get hit while trying to cross the highway in a bright red truck.

2. Day # 2.  Get run over by an even bigger truck backing into your bright red truck.

3. Day # 3. Walk over a piece of grass that decides to self destruct and create a hole to China, then continue to drop into the hole falling to death...or China...

4. Day # 4. Get struck by lightening while running across the yard with a long metal pole. 

5. Day # 5. Get mauled by a wolf dog. 

6. Day # 6. Fall asleep on the treadmill 

I hate having to rely on other people. Does anyone else hear me? Whenever I need someone to do something for me or have to ask a favour of someone, they usually cheerfully agree but when it comes down to it, they bail, they make excuses or they make me feel guilty...like it's my fault.

Hmm....really... is it? Should you have agreed to something in the first place if it was such a terrible burden? If you can't do it, please be upfront about it beforehand, so I can make other arrangements.

Thank you...

Your frustrated friend,
ashlee

Constant Leaver

My heart has quickly swung into "leave mode." This seems to happen more often than not these years. My brain swivels in a thousand directions, trying to remember the errands I need to run, people I need to see and changes it need to prepare for.

A few years ago, after a summer of absolute upheaval, I phoned my parents and completely broke down. Through sobs, the ache in my heart came out; I just couldn't keep doing it. I had had too much attaching and pulling apart, too much loving and separating. My heart couldn't bear this life of consistent inconsistencies.

When I went to bed that night, I begged God to bring someone into my life-someone who could walk through these inconsistencies with me, someone I could cry with as we left one life to start another. However, as of yet, God has chosen not to answer that prayer and has instead continued leading me down this path wholly alone.

Is He unjust, does He not care, is His hand too short to keep me from heartache? Though my answer would have varied near the time of that prayer, my whole-hearted answer these days is: no.

In these past few years, I have been led down long, lonely paths. Many aspects of my life are done alone; I go and no one follows, I walk into church with no one beside me and I, most often, go through my nights with no witness to the fears that attack my dreams. But it is this lonely path that has changed me.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -Jesus

Have you ever read something on paper and felt it had a deeper meaning, but been too flustered to capture it? That seems to happen to me all the time and the above verse was no exception. But then this funny thing happened- I was alone. And it was in these alone times, that this verse became my life. When I awoke in the middle of the night so afraid, He came and sat with me speaking peace over my heart until it was calm enough to rest. When I cried so hard my eyes hurt with the pain of leaving, He kissed my ear and drew me close to His heart. When I started down paths of chaos, He took my hand, whispered love and asked question after question until I realized what He already knew. When I felt like a complete outcast and was overwhelmed trying to fit into a circle I didn't match, He made a place for us to be together-a place I always fit in.

I don't know if I'm really making sense. I wonder if you're trying to find the point to this post.

I wonder if you know how much you're loved.

As my heart prepares for another departure, I know its Maker better than yesterday and have fallen deeper in love with Him than I ever knew possible. My prayer may not have been answered in the human sense of the word, but He has overwhelmed me with this response of Himself. I may have days of human loneliness ahead, but I have found a raging river, an overpowering waterfall of life walking these days beside a God I can't get my head around, a King who brings tears of gratitude to my eyes, a Father I long to spend every single day with. I may be walking alone, but I have never felt so at home.

My hope is that this post would be an enabler-enabling you to step forward in confidence knowing that even if no one else follows, a God you can never fully explain will be walking beside you. I know this post is long, but I just want to share one last thought before I go.

A few nights ago, I awoke in bed afraid of the day ahead. And almost immediately, the verse, “The Lord is my rock” came to mind. Now, I don’t know about you, but whenever I thought of this verse I imagined me cowering behind a large rock hoping to be saved from the oncoming army. However, when the verse came to mind this night, God painted a different picture. I was in the middle of the desert and without warning a huge fortress rose up in front of me. Its height went past the Heavens and its width was so long I couldn’t see its beginning or end. Suddenly, a great wind came and I was thrust up the rock face, far above the ground, far beyond the sight of an army below. In the midst of this rock face, a small cleft carved itself into the wall. I was gently laid inside and from this incredible position I was far more than safe from any oppressing army or pursuing enemy. When God wrote that He is my rock, this is the picture He wanted to give-a picture of complete security in the light of His overwhelming power.

Live in the cleft of this rock, and step forward.

-ash

Wet June

Dear Friend,

This week I have been having such a hard time with my life status. Do you ever have those weeks? I don't know what the deal is. I found out yet another friend of mine is getting married and that only aided in my colossal downward spiral into self-pity. It is so easy to get into and so ridiculously hard to get out of.

I point out every flaw in myself, I choose to look at the worst side of every thing and focus myself on a future of hopeless loneliness. The truth seems so dim and far away from my present state that it feels like a gigantic task to even examine it. 

And it's in these states that verses like "I will crown you with love and compassion" start taking on a different shade. I have days where I absolutely delight in being Christ's, days where I know how special I am to Him and relish in it. But then I have days, even weeks, when all I feel is dirty, wretched and just a shadow of who I should be. I try so hard to make myself look right, but my thoughts quickly reveal the state of my heart.

In these days, Christ's presence comes and invades my thoughts. I ask Him to keep the rain away for the day and He does. I over-analyze ever aspect of my life searching for the root of this wretchedness and He speaks, "Come to me all who are weary and heavy-burdened and I will give you rest for your souls." All I see are weeds and He points out stunning flowers -revolutionary concept today...beauty is beauty whether or not anyone ever notices it; its' beauty is in no way affected by acknowledgement or oblivion. 

I know His love when I feel on right terms with Him, but I come to grasp what love is when I'm at my worst. His love, his way of relating to me, in no way changes when I do. He lavishes affection on me when I have absolutely nothing to return, all I can do is take. He remains true when I couldn't. If I were to be my Saviour, I would have walked away long ago. But He, He, chooses to crown me with LOVE and COMPASSION.

I feel small and secure; best state I'll ever be in.

-ash

PS Just read an interesting article, the blog writer (William Dick) compiled the lexical definitions of the word, agape (one of the Greek words used for love in the Bible). I'm going to past it in here. "Agape means the following: to be fond of, to love dearly; to love, to be full of good will, to have a preference for, regard the welfare of...to take pleasure in the thing, prize it above other things, be unwilling to abandon it or do without it; a spontaneous feeling which impels self giving, the weak sense to be satisfied, to receive, to greet, to honur, or more inwardly, to seek after; to have love for someone or something, based on sincere appreciation and high regard."

Playoff Ponderings

Sometimes I think competition is the root of division.

Is it just me or has anyone else ever thought it? Take a minute and ponder it. You walk into work the morning after a game and the first thing that comes out of someone's mouth is, "Did you see the game last night." A second later, the room is full of people bashing one's "home" team and the other side defending. 

 

I know everyone says, "Don't take it personally." But I do...I always have. I am learning to separate other people's actions and my own feelings and reactions, but I will never be able to stop finding bashing another human-no matter who they happen to be- offensive. You offend me with your quick, witty, deathly criticisms. Though you may never meet these people you critique, you leave a foul taste in my mouth with your negativity over something that is meant to entertain us.... wait a second....

Did I say entertain? That's all these games are meant for? To entertain? I think somewhere in the mush, that's being forgotten. This game is becoming a deeper and deeper competition to prove we're worth just as much as you (if not more). No wonder players feel so much pressure from the fans.

Yesterday, I ran into some Jehovah's Witnesses. First off as a random side note, I've met few people as sweet and kind in a first meeting as those two. After giving me their schpeel and hearing my "I already chose to follow Jesus" response, they sincerely replied, "We don't need to change your mind, that's up to you. We see this as a matter of life and death though and that's why we are taking time out of our days to tell people like you. This is so important to us."

Switch back. What's important to me again? Proving my team (i.e. me) is just as good as yours?

 Maybe, my priorities need to get rearranged. If I'm serious about Jesus, maybe I should prove it. Maybe, just maybe, I can take talking about this God who rescues, delights and revolutionizes my life every single ridiculous day a little more seriously.

-ash

Longing out of the Shadows

Dear Friend,

This morning I finished listening to the "Last Battle" by Lewis and it has so affected me that I wanted to tell you about it. Every time I hear it, my heart swells up within me and I can do nothing but sit there and cry. 

Have you ever felt a longing deeper than anything else you've ever dreamt or thought about? Has your soul ached for a reality you can't see, but your insides scream there must be? Have you ever been in complete devastation and heard a voice whisper into it-a voice that knows you better than anyone else and who your soul responds to like it does to no one else.

Oh friend, my heart has never wanted anything as much as I want this. I want to be home; I want to be out of the shadows and living in reality with Him. 

I don't know quite how to explain it you. When I listen to the "Last Battle" my heart is silenced, I see a picture of the place I belong. The place where everything I have gone through will fall to the way side in the sheer brilliance of seeing Him. Seeing Him look into my heart, seeing Him smile at me with tears as in His eyes as I finally get to run into His arms and be enveloped in His physical presence. The place where my heart will be free in unrivaled joy basking in Christ's love with no hindrances or distractions. 

This is my home; the only place I wholly and fully belong.

I love Lewis, not because he is a great theologian (though he is) and not because of his brilliant arguments that could persuade one's thinking (though they have), but because he has opened the door to the God I know and closed the door to the God I know about. As I have gone through the Chronicles of Narnia, though it is but a children's story,  I have encountered God in a way I always wanted but never knew was possible.

Have you ever longed to be loved fully and simply being you with no demands and no hidden agenda. Though I have longed for it, I feel that every earthly love I've known has let me down. They have each proved themselves flawed in some way or another, but then this un-tameable God burst into my life full of radiant colours. Looking into my very core, He smiles with tears in His eyes and embraces me. Heedless of the dirt and grime, He loves me freely and completely with no strings attached. He loves me simply because He wants to.

This is a picture He gave me a few days ago which explains my line of thinking a bit better. I was overwhelmed by my sin yet again and was sitting on the floor moping about it. When I closed my eyes, I saw a picture of God coming to my side and all my veilings disappeared, leaving my heart completely exposed. My heart was so disgusting; it was full of green gook and black mold, you could hardly recognize its proper shape underneath all the blackness. And then He took my heart cradled it in His hands and His tears mixed with His own blood started falling down onto it. Every place these tears fell washed the grime away. I looked up into His face and saw Him whispering, "Oh my ashlee, my ashlee, how I long for you to be free."

I have never known such love; freely and extravagantly given with no demands. And knowing such love, I have never loved Someone as much as I will always love Him. Freely I love You and freely I wholly long to give my entire self to You-not because I am demanded to, but because I want to.

And that my friend is who I long to be home with. I love the pictures He gives me and I love walking with Him through this life, but my heart aches for the days when we can walk together with nothing trying to pull us apart-where the shadows pass away and I am in reality.

There is so much more to write, but I think it's time to keep moving.

-ash