Wet June

Dear Friend,

This week I have been having such a hard time with my life status. Do you ever have those weeks? I don't know what the deal is. I found out yet another friend of mine is getting married and that only aided in my colossal downward spiral into self-pity. It is so easy to get into and so ridiculously hard to get out of.

I point out every flaw in myself, I choose to look at the worst side of every thing and focus myself on a future of hopeless loneliness. The truth seems so dim and far away from my present state that it feels like a gigantic task to even examine it. 

And it's in these states that verses like "I will crown you with love and compassion" start taking on a different shade. I have days where I absolutely delight in being Christ's, days where I know how special I am to Him and relish in it. But then I have days, even weeks, when all I feel is dirty, wretched and just a shadow of who I should be. I try so hard to make myself look right, but my thoughts quickly reveal the state of my heart.

In these days, Christ's presence comes and invades my thoughts. I ask Him to keep the rain away for the day and He does. I over-analyze ever aspect of my life searching for the root of this wretchedness and He speaks, "Come to me all who are weary and heavy-burdened and I will give you rest for your souls." All I see are weeds and He points out stunning flowers -revolutionary concept today...beauty is beauty whether or not anyone ever notices it; its' beauty is in no way affected by acknowledgement or oblivion. 

I know His love when I feel on right terms with Him, but I come to grasp what love is when I'm at my worst. His love, his way of relating to me, in no way changes when I do. He lavishes affection on me when I have absolutely nothing to return, all I can do is take. He remains true when I couldn't. If I were to be my Saviour, I would have walked away long ago. But He, He, chooses to crown me with LOVE and COMPASSION.

I feel small and secure; best state I'll ever be in.

-ash

PS Just read an interesting article, the blog writer (William Dick) compiled the lexical definitions of the word, agape (one of the Greek words used for love in the Bible). I'm going to past it in here. "Agape means the following: to be fond of, to love dearly; to love, to be full of good will, to have a preference for, regard the welfare of...to take pleasure in the thing, prize it above other things, be unwilling to abandon it or do without it; a spontaneous feeling which impels self giving, the weak sense to be satisfied, to receive, to greet, to honur, or more inwardly, to seek after; to have love for someone or something, based on sincere appreciation and high regard."