Longing out of the Shadows

Dear Friend,

This morning I finished listening to the "Last Battle" by Lewis and it has so affected me that I wanted to tell you about it. Every time I hear it, my heart swells up within me and I can do nothing but sit there and cry. 

Have you ever felt a longing deeper than anything else you've ever dreamt or thought about? Has your soul ached for a reality you can't see, but your insides scream there must be? Have you ever been in complete devastation and heard a voice whisper into it-a voice that knows you better than anyone else and who your soul responds to like it does to no one else.

Oh friend, my heart has never wanted anything as much as I want this. I want to be home; I want to be out of the shadows and living in reality with Him. 

I don't know quite how to explain it you. When I listen to the "Last Battle" my heart is silenced, I see a picture of the place I belong. The place where everything I have gone through will fall to the way side in the sheer brilliance of seeing Him. Seeing Him look into my heart, seeing Him smile at me with tears as in His eyes as I finally get to run into His arms and be enveloped in His physical presence. The place where my heart will be free in unrivaled joy basking in Christ's love with no hindrances or distractions. 

This is my home; the only place I wholly and fully belong.

I love Lewis, not because he is a great theologian (though he is) and not because of his brilliant arguments that could persuade one's thinking (though they have), but because he has opened the door to the God I know and closed the door to the God I know about. As I have gone through the Chronicles of Narnia, though it is but a children's story,  I have encountered God in a way I always wanted but never knew was possible.

Have you ever longed to be loved fully and simply being you with no demands and no hidden agenda. Though I have longed for it, I feel that every earthly love I've known has let me down. They have each proved themselves flawed in some way or another, but then this un-tameable God burst into my life full of radiant colours. Looking into my very core, He smiles with tears in His eyes and embraces me. Heedless of the dirt and grime, He loves me freely and completely with no strings attached. He loves me simply because He wants to.

This is a picture He gave me a few days ago which explains my line of thinking a bit better. I was overwhelmed by my sin yet again and was sitting on the floor moping about it. When I closed my eyes, I saw a picture of God coming to my side and all my veilings disappeared, leaving my heart completely exposed. My heart was so disgusting; it was full of green gook and black mold, you could hardly recognize its proper shape underneath all the blackness. And then He took my heart cradled it in His hands and His tears mixed with His own blood started falling down onto it. Every place these tears fell washed the grime away. I looked up into His face and saw Him whispering, "Oh my ashlee, my ashlee, how I long for you to be free."

I have never known such love; freely and extravagantly given with no demands. And knowing such love, I have never loved Someone as much as I will always love Him. Freely I love You and freely I wholly long to give my entire self to You-not because I am demanded to, but because I want to.

And that my friend is who I long to be home with. I love the pictures He gives me and I love walking with Him through this life, but my heart aches for the days when we can walk together with nothing trying to pull us apart-where the shadows pass away and I am in reality.

There is so much more to write, but I think it's time to keep moving.

-ash