I've been thinking recently. Not a new habit, but just the same.
Today, I was burdened...not by the pressures around me, but from the pit inside me. This week I had seen victories and grew proud in the process. Then today rolled around. I was so taken aback by my own sinfulness, I didn't recognize the person I am. How can I claim victory when I am so self-absorbed? Why would God listen to me when I choose who to invest my love and time in and who to ignore and dislike? Why would Jesus give mercy to a person who should already know all of this?
I was wrestling through all of this when I saw an old man crossing the street. He had a severe limp and had trouble even crossing. All of the sudden, he started trying to run and flailing his arms to try and prevent the oncoming bus from leaving without him. I felt so helpless sitting there watching him and to be honest was very near tears at the sight.
"Ash, I made you like that." God whispered into my ear. "Your heart beats that way because I made it that way."
Who chooses to affirm a person who only feels like they need discipline? You do.
"Ash, you are like that man. You have forgotten how fragile you are. You have forgotten how much You need me."
Oh, how my heart needs Him. I am so prone to everything my soul hates. I stumble around like a person in a blackened tunnel without Him. My conversations, my heart, loses its life when He isn't a part of the picture.
And this is what has got me thinking tonight. Is changing less about discipline, but rather about replacing? Replacing my hatred at being mistreated with the truth that Jesus was mistreated because of and for me? Replacing my longing for acceptance with this roaring fire of His love? Maybe change isn't so much about what I need to do all the time, but more about letting His love fully, truly settle into my heart.
Yet as I sit here, I know my heart still doesn't fully know this. I still long for things other than Him and when I'm downright honest, I don't know what all of those things are. One of those things is that I want myself more than I want Him. I want to protect my heart from destruction, keep my life organized and have the authority to say yes and no. I want to be my own boss.
"Oh ash, can't you see that's why I've let you be broken?"
In my utmost brokenness, I've found raging rivers of life. When the very worst thing happened, You worked it together to my good. When I stepped out trembling, You held me the entire way-not letting it be easy, but never letting me be devastated.
Maybe I should continue in this journey of replacing.
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