Enough?

I often feel like I'm living in my own emotional sea - one moment I am at rest and my emotions can be fully delighted in - the next moment, a storm comes crashing through, absolutely everything is swung into upheaval and I'm left half drowning in the midst.

I was about to write a blog a few days ago and I was literally going to spend the whole thing writing about what rich friendships God has given me, about how obeying God and coming here may have been one of the best decisions I've ever made. That was a few days ago.

I am still wholly crazy about my friends and am most often left wonder-struck that such people would want to be a part of my life. And I'm still planning to write a chapter on them.

But tonight ... tonight I watched Lagaan again.

In the past few weeks, I've been clutching and gnawing on something Jesus told me. I had just come back home from giving some clothes away and was almost literally patting myself on the back for being such a generous and kind person. I thought to myself, "Who else is living this kind of life? Probably very few; God must be proud of me for living this way." As I was thinking all this, I knew I was being filled with pride and that the whole thing was likely to lead to a bigger sin.

What Jesus spoke to me in that moment took me back a bit. "It's not enough, ash." All these things I've been doing, they're not enough. And tonight after watching Lagaan, I'm at my complete wit's end. All I can do is look at myself and see complete disobedience and confusion. When I see God looking back at me, all I see is all encompassing disappointment with a rod of punishment in His hand. He has been patient, but there's no room left for that anymore. I am being willfully disobedient and ... and ... and

"Love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrongs. I have loved you with an everlasting love. After having received my Word by faith are you now trying to earn it with your works?"

You see watching Lagaan usually leaves me feeling a mixture of things, most often I feel guilty. The first time I watched Lagaan, I literally sobbed for 2 hours afterwards. All I could feel was this overpowering emptiness, this black void that came about me. This movie awakes a piece of me that I don't really know how to explain. In it, I come to see both the best of the people I love and their very worst. I feel that I am immersed in their heartbeat and as I do this, I am made overtly aware of how much they need to know (know-know) their Creator's love.

After sobbing for those 2 hours, I told Jesus I would go to them; I would be His representative. I was so willing and started making headway to do so. But then life happened ... a lot of stuff happened, much outside of my control, but some within. Needless to say, I didn't go.

I did make an effort in a different way (living amidst these people in my own country), but I still didn't feel like it was enough. After seeing the void and committing to be a representative, I often felt that doing anything less than physically being in their country was disobedience. But I was scared to go, my family didn't want me to go and I just didn't know logistically or logically why I would be going. My heart slowly became used to running on an Everest of guilt.

But you see sometimes I forget about the guilt. I moved here, I've done the whole school thing, I've seen a plethora of ridiculous things happen. I felt that I did obey God in coming here, but tonight I watched Lagaan and the whole Everest of hidden guilt came flash flooding over me again.

"All I am is disobedient; I'm selfish and living in fear. God must be keeping me single and with a lack of goals to punish me and make sure I will be alone and miserable enough in this place so that I finally move across the ocean." Is all this true? Was Jesus saying, "It's not enough, ash", just a piece of this larger puzzle I'm supposed to be getting. Is Jesus wholly devastated with who I've become? Is He angry with me for confusing His voice and forgetting that commitment I made to Him so long ago?

"I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly."

"ash, darling, you're making too much of yourself. The world is mine to rescue and take care of and you, my ash, are mine to treasure. I want you to live out that treasuredness wherever you find yourself. The world's life and death does not rest on your shoulders; it rests on Mine."

Love is patient, love is kind, it keeps no record of wrongs. Yes, I have been making a lot of bad choices lately (a lot of bad little choices), but if Jesus' love was based on my reactions I don't think it would be love. If I were to move across the ocean because of guilt, I would be a resounding gong or a clanging symbol for without this love that Jesus lives out in my life it is all useless.

"But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patent toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."

God will accomplish His purpose with or without me; I am not the foundation to the plan - Jesus is.