Sunday thoughts

"ash, look up. Look outside of this grime, outside of the mess your heart has fallen into." -Jesus

Looking up changed and changes my life. You see when I looked up, I saw, I felt, I came to know the love of a God I can't contain. When I looked up, His eyes bore right into the very crux of who I am and what I see still leaves me breathless. I saw specific, unique fondness of the person I am and deep, roaring, passionate love. A deep love He always longs for me to have, but a deep love I often forget about. I get so over concerned about my heart - about the mess it is, about the hurts it has - that all I focus on is telling Him about it ... instead of letting Him tell me who I am.

To tell me that I am cherished, that I am wanted, that every single day He sees me as being worth His effort and time. Who would unwaveringly commit themselves to loving someone so hard to reach, so stubborn acceptance is often a distant hope, so angry she rarely acts in the way she should.

I have been so mad at Him lately; my circumstances seem to be screaming that God doesn't give a crap about me, that He favours the people I love, but not the person I am. I choose to believe what I'm told about Him; that my circumstances dictate how He feels about me, that my circumstances define how much I'm worth.

You see, my circumstances, my life seem to point towards a life of little meaning and little significance. I am replaceable, I am not extraordinarily pretty, smart, unique or fashionable. There is nothing about me that screams take notice of me - for people rarely do. 

But there is one thing that sets me apart from the people around me, the only piece of life I feel I can offer people. I know I am loved. When I forget this, the me withers and all you're left with is a skeleton of someone who isn't really that much of anything. When I chose to live knowing and relishing in this, life, hope and love flow out of me so passionately I can't contain it.

"You are all I want, You are all I need. Everything my heart could hope for." Frick, I'm getting tired of walking through this life. I hate that in every situation, Satan is right there along with us, desperately pulling me away from You. I hate that lies are constantly overpowering my brain about how little I am worth, how un-special I am, when all You say over and over is: "ash, my heart is exploding with love for you. Words could never convey how much you mean to Me."

But I don't believe it. I stubbornly sit down and say, "No one could love me like that. No one does." I would rather choose to believe that than let His love fully rest in my heart. You see, if I let that love fully rest in my heart, I would have to give up my demands. I couldn't demand He bring someone into my life to love me because I would know His love for me was unquenchable. I would no longer need someone else to help me fit in because I would already fit.

Yes. I don't know what I'm plunging myself into, but I want to know Your love. I want to know You; these demands are wearing down my soul and I am so afraid You will never listen to them. But I want to want You more than my demands; I choose to say yes. Yes, I will let You love me.