Without a Voice

This month, I have abdicated my presence from both facebook and twitter. I knew it would be hard, but I wasn't it expecting it to be this difficult.

No one seems to notice that I am gone and in the process I've come to realize how dependent I was on having my voice heard. The snappy one liners, the thoughtful comments and subsequent appreciation. Now I have no appreciation and all my thoughts are left as that - my own thoughts.

I didn't realize how difficult it was to keep my thoughts in my own head. Since when did that happen? Since when did "sharing" them via some form of plastic become so important to my self-worth?

This total abdication is hard on me; who am I if no one is listening to me? Where is my worth if everyone is so busy doing their own thing they don't notice I've left?

El seems distant or rather I feel so messed up I don't want to be around Him. Everything I do lately seems to be selfish and "not good enough." My unspoken thoughts are torturing me and I feel like I'll spill my whole brain out on whoever happens to pass by. My whole presence is withering and I don't know how to wake it back up again.

All I need is Jesus, but I feel like I'm just stuffing my face full of everything but Him. Books, food, activities, people, homework. My inner being wants Jesus, but my flesh, the earthly part of me, wants to take care of myself on my own. I don't even know if it's just that; another huge piece is simply weary of Him -weary of what He's going to take away from me. Weary of being led through places I don't want to go.

My voice has been silenced and in the process I've come to realize I'm still a person without it, but I'm not the same person. I long to be heard, for my thoughts to be known. But if that's gone, am I still worth Jesus pursuing me? Am I still worth His effort? Am I still whole without a voice?

I guess we'll find out as the weeks pass.