The snow is slowly melting away and the days are staying light for just a little longer. It seems every day is a testament to the fact that winter will not always be. Maybe it's just me, but this season always pushes longings up.
At the ol' Bible School, spring seemed to be a time when the few leftovers with closed eyes came wholly awake to the possible available mates - spring fever. Though I silently somewhat envied the lovebirds, I outwardly and halfways inwardly, professed that spring was for more than smooching. But the idea (lovey love that is) is somewhat interconnected with the whole essence of spring.
Spring, I believe, is a time to come back to life, to take a chance and break out of old shells. Of all the seasons, this one most brings my often dusty, back-shelf ridden hope back to life. You see, winter is a beautiful, extravagant season, but it is hard. The plants go away, the nights are long, the air is too cold to enjoy the outside and we are stuck inside a roofed expanse. My soul, in part, goes into survival mode - focusing on habits that need to be changed, attitudes that need redirecting. It forgets about the reality of spring and the joy of summer and deems the present reality all it will know.
But then with little warning, spring starts to come. The snow is pushed back, the plants breathe in and suddenly they invade every corner. The light seems to be let loose and the temperature rises so much you forget to wear that old overcoat. My very being feels as if it is being let loose from a prison.
You see, spring makes hope become reality. I often get stuck in ruts; I quickly run back to my pessimistic ways believing everything will always stay the same. I will always be the random thumb, never measuring up or fitting in with the rest of the hand-consistently forced to a life of lonely substance. But then spring comes, my survival mode is forced away and the joy of living is shoved into my face.
Last night, I listened to a sermon by Erwin McManus (a huge favourite right now). A bit of background, I have been spending most of my time as of late listening, fighting and then listening again to voices which put me in a second rate position. You might know the voices yourself, the ones which challenge your beauty, worthiness, intelligence, lovability and life in general. Because of these voices, I had come to the conclusion that 1. I was not good enough 2. I would be single for the rest of my life as a result of that fact and 3. I was so unlovable even my closest friends would probably benefit from being around someone else.
I was in the midst of one of these pity parties when I had the "random" idea to listen to a sermon while doing some homework. Hmm... random? I stopped believing in chance long ago. The main point of Erwin's sermon was to examine what voices we were listening to. A piece he repeated over and over again, was something God spoke to Adam and Eve. When God came upon Adam and Eve sinning, they hid themselves because as they said, they were naked. I never noticed before, but God's response is earth shattering; it seems to suck the air right out of my lungs.
"Who told you that?"
He always seems to know how to get through to me. "ash, who are you listening to? Who told you you weren't good enough? Was it me? Whose voice is dictating your life?"
With seemingly little effort, my heart was cornered and forced to deal with the lies it was holding. Did He tell me these things? No, I am certain of that. So what does that mean? What does He say?
"You are exquisite and lovely, My darling, My ash. You are precious, the apple of My eye."
Maybe the old, pessimistic overcoat is ready for the refuse pile. Spring is coming, I know it. I don't have to be stuck in these old ways. I can jump into change, knowing my exquisiteness because of the wholly pure love of the One who walks through these days with me. Life seems to be choosing me and I don't want to hide away from Him today.
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