Spring's Eyes

Can you feel it? New air is seeping in and with it comes the longing for the new, the change.

The snow is slowly melting away and the days are staying light for just a little longer. It seems every day is a testament to the fact that winter will not always be. Maybe it's just me, but this season always pushes longings up.

At the ol' Bible School, spring seemed to be a time when the few leftovers with closed eyes came wholly awake to the possible available mates - spring fever. Though I silently somewhat envied the lovebirds, I outwardly and halfways inwardly, professed that spring was for more than smooching. But the idea (lovey love that is) is somewhat interconnected with the whole essence of spring.

Spring, I believe, is a time to come back to life, to take a chance and break out of old shells. Of all the seasons, this one most brings my often dusty, back-shelf ridden hope back to life. You see, winter is a beautiful, extravagant season, but it is hard. The plants go away, the nights are long, the air is too cold to enjoy the outside and we are stuck inside a roofed expanse. My soul, in part, goes into survival mode - focusing on habits that need to be changed, attitudes that need redirecting. It forgets about the reality of spring and the joy of summer and deems the present reality all it will know.

But then with little warning, spring starts to come. The snow is pushed back, the plants breathe in and suddenly they invade every corner. The light seems to be let loose and the temperature rises so much you forget to wear that old overcoat. My very being feels as if it is being let loose from a prison.

You see, spring makes hope become reality. I often get stuck in ruts; I quickly run back to my pessimistic ways believing everything will always stay the same. I will always be the random thumb, never measuring up or fitting in with the rest of the hand-consistently forced to a life of lonely substance. But then spring comes, my survival mode is forced away and the joy of living is shoved into my face.

Last night, I listened to a sermon by Erwin McManus (a huge favourite right now). A bit of background, I have been spending most of my time as of late listening, fighting and then listening again to voices which put me in a second rate position. You might know the voices yourself, the ones which challenge your beauty, worthiness, intelligence, lovability and life in general. Because of these voices, I had come to the conclusion that 1. I was not good enough  2. I would be single for the rest of my life as a result of that fact and 3. I was so unlovable even my closest friends would probably benefit from being around someone else.

I was in the midst of one of these pity parties when I had the "random" idea to listen to a sermon while doing some homework. Hmm... random? I stopped believing in chance long ago.  The main point of Erwin's sermon was to examine what voices we were listening to. A piece he repeated over and over again, was something God spoke to Adam and Eve. When God came upon Adam and Eve sinning, they hid themselves because as they said, they were naked. I never noticed before, but God's response is earth shattering; it seems to suck the air right out of my lungs.

"Who told you that?"

He always seems to know how to get through to me. "ash, who are you listening to? Who told you you weren't good enough? Was it me? Whose voice is dictating your life?"

With seemingly little effort, my heart was cornered and forced to deal with the lies it was holding. Did He tell me these things? No, I am certain of that. So what does that mean? What does He say? 

"You are exquisite and lovely, My darling, My ash. You are precious, the apple of My eye." 

Maybe the old, pessimistic overcoat is ready for the refuse pile. Spring is coming, I know it. I don't have to be stuck in these old ways. I can jump into change, knowing my exquisiteness because of the wholly pure love of the One who walks through these days with me. Life seems to be choosing me and I don't want to hide away from Him today. 

Romans Exegesis

Hey,

So this is a hefty topic, but I'm more or less posting it for my own documentation. I am going through the book of Romans (in the Bible) in Greek. I decided I should start recording my findings because isn't that just a much brighter thing to do? So I've already done a bit, but here's where this thing will start

Romans 3:25b

"This was to demonstrate His (emphasis on the His, so maybe I'll write it like this from now on (i.e. HIS) when emphasized) righteousness because of ... okay now here the sentence is getting really tricky. The word, "because of -(dia)" is a preposition, which is pointing to the accusative (The noun receiving the action), but the preposition has no accusative partner in this sentence. I think the author of my Greek-English parsing book may have split one very long sentence into two. So now I'm just straight up confused.

Okay, I think I found it. I think the dia is connected to the He (referring to God) in the next English sentence or it is implied (because of context) and connected to the word, God, that is in the genitive. The genitive case is the case where to put it simply, you can add the word "of" in front.

Moving forward, "This was to demonstrate HIS righteousness because God in His perseverance (this is one of the words my lexicon gave as an option for this particular word (avoxn). They said most of the NT definitions were forbearance, but to be honest, I feel this particular word has little relevance or connection in modern day English.) passed over (or let remain un-punished) previous sins."

3:26

"It was also for the purpose of  the demonstration of His righteousness at the present (right now) time, so that (this means with the result of (ie end result)) HE might be just and the Justifier of the person (I have a couple options here, so I'll list them:) 1. who has or 2. out of the  or 3.or part of the group that has  faith in Jesus."

"Where then is boasting? It has been excluded. By means of what kind of law? A law of works? No, but by means of the law of faith."

3:28-29

"For we emotionally and logically hold to or conclude that a person is justified  by faith apart from works of the law. Is God only the God of the Jews? Is He not also the God of the Gentiles? Yes, of the Gentiles too."

3:30

"Because God is one ..." This statement is key to the Paul's whole thought. Basically, He is outright saying, "God is the God of you (i.e. the Jews) and of Gentiles. He is one and the same God." He was in a way reminding them of their history (The Lord is our God, the Lord is one). (Random insert, I read a historical fiction book this past summer on Hezekiah. In it, she quoted this statement as, "Yahweh is the Lord, Yahweh alone." I have not researched this subject at all and don't know if this is a better or worse interpretation). 

The main point of my whole paragraph is to say, Paul was blatantly teaching that the Gentiles are now part of God's chosen people. The Jews had to make room for them in their home.

"Because God is one, HE will justify (this is an action that Will Happen in the future) the
circumcised ..." (i.e. probably referring to the Jews. The Jews often got into disputes and fights at this point in time over the issue of circumcision. They believed it was a necessity for salvation. However, Paul and the apostles were desperately trying to teach them that it's all about our faith in Jesus. If we're using circumcision as a necessity for salvation than we also have to obey every letter of the whole entire law.

If anyone thought that might work, Paul soundly demolished that thought. Throughout the past two depressing chapters, he aptly showed us how much we suck in that area. The world is full of people who know good, but do evil instead. We follow our cravings and ignore the conscience God has given us. And in the times when we want to do good, we do evil instead. In the words of Paul, `Who can save us from this body of death?  ... Thanks be to JESUS CHRIST."

It is Jesus who comes forward for us, who stands up for us. He walks into the arena to face the punishment for our selfish, demented actions. And knowing the punishment would cost Him His life and would separate Him from the One He loved most (His Dad), He still walked forward. That is such a deep love, I can't fully fathom it. How could someone love the real me, who is utterly death-like (i.e. disdainful, self-focused, full of hared, bitterness, jealousy, loneliness and fear), so much that He would risk and lose everything close to His heart to give me a CHANCE (not a guarantee) of being with Him.  The only words that come to mind are,"Praise be to Jesus who loved me."

"Because God is one, HE will justify the circumcised on the basis of (this is my own thought here, I think the phrase "on the basis of" (i.e. ek) could have been translated, "by means of (i.e. how they're justified)" their faith. It sounds really weird, but in order to match the next half of the sentence that may be a better translation.) their faith and the uncircumcised by means of (or "on the basis of" perhaps?) of the same faith."

Yikes, that would been like a slap in the face to the religious Jews. They were following the law and had been doing all these things for God for years. Now, just like that, Paul is elevating the Gentiles onto the same level as them not because of what they did, but because of what Jesus did for them. Talk about demolishing your worldview.

3:31

Do we completely rid ourselves of the law (or make the law useless) by means of faith? What are you stupid? No way! On the contrary, we uphold/stand firmly behind the law.

4:1
What then shall we (though not proper grammatically, most of us would say, "What then can we") say that Abraham our ancestor/forefather discovered about this?

4:2
For if Abraham was set free/vindicated/justified because of what he did, than he has something to boast about, but not around God.

TO DO 4:3-5

4:6
-(Will write more later) - forgiveness-abandon, let go of the deed done against AND total acceptance of the deed'er'  and state of the verb forgive - gnomic present, stative active and regular indicative 

Captivating?

Dear you,

So I've been pondering on whether or not to write on this subject all week, but I've decided to go with it for 2 reasons: 1. It's late at night and 2. I feel like other people may feel this way too.

The subject I want to touch on right now is something I have been grappling through, struggling and wrestling with all week. That subject is: If I am never noticed, if I am never seen, am I still captivating? I know this may seem like a bit of a silly subject and I know most of you would quickly suggest the book, Captivating, by someone whose name is very cute (For the record, I have read it), but that's not satisfying this deep question in my heart.

Have you ever liked someone but consistently been let down? Do you ever put yourself out there (or so you think according to your own standards (my version of putting myself out there often involves being normal)) and see no results? What do you do when that happens? Do you continue hoping for a miracle? Or do you latch on to a new person hoping to fill that 'Am I special' void? Or option 3, do you reluctantly drop the idea and wrestle through the void?

I feel that's where I'm at right now (option 3 that is, sorry, I'm a bit tired). I've come to realize again that, yes, I was mistaken and yes, I am still most likely going to stay that way (ie single) for quite some time. But now what? I've been wrestling through feelings of pity, doubt, anger and frustration all week long. Why does no one ever notice me? What's wrong with me? Why are my friends cherished by a special person, but no one ever seems to think I am worth cherishing? What am I doing that makes me so detestable?

At this point, I'm going to insert a story from the summer that God has consistently been reminding me of all week. This past summer while I was gardening for the city, I randomly stumbled upon a flower I had never seen. And oh my word, it was g.o.r.g.e.o.u.s. and I mean gorgeous. I still have no idea what kind of flower that thing was, but it was extravagant and perfect in every way. I couldn't believe I had never seen that flower before, I mean how could I have missed it when it stood out like that? Then a thought rolled into my head, "Is this flower's beauty dependent on your notice, ashlee?"

...Wait a second.

"Is this flower's beauty and extravagance in any way affected by you noticing or not noticing it? If you had never seen it, would it still be beautiful?" The answer seemed obvious so I replied, "Of course."

"Then why do you think it's any different with you?"

I've been wrestling through, desperately trying to make this statement become my heart's truth this week. But, friend (whoever you may be), I've been having such a hard time believing this. I mean how could this be true? If no one ever sees or notices me, the only logical explanation must be that there's something wrong with me.

But what if my logic is faulty? What if I only see 1 part of the equation and there's a whole other side that's not even been touched?

There's a problem though. I can't see that other side of the equation; I just have a very large hunch my calculations aren't adding up to the correct solution. So what am I going to do? Am I going to keep believing a possibly faulty conclusion (i.e. there must be something wrong with me) or am I going to believe something perhaps a bit ridiculous about a flower? A deep, deep part of my heart assures me the later is true, it's just the pieces I see which seem to deny it. 

I guess this is what walking with Jesus looks like. I'm glad You're here because, in case You didn't know it, I love You quite a bit. 

ash

Will You Still?

Dear you,


I'm sitting here, exhausted emotionally and spiritually, wondering how life could possibly solve itself out.

Let me explain a bit more, last week I wrote that I was learning to hope. Maybe God felt I was ready for a bigger challenge than I did. When I came back to school this Tuesday, I found out that 1. many of my dear friends are facing challenges that few others are and that 2. I won't be graduating.

My spirit was already worn out when I heard the accounts of my friends' lives, it was so un-ready to hear the news that I won't be graduating. I don't know when graduating became such a big deal to me, but it probably happened somewhere in the midst of November when I fully dove into and relished in this whole university thing.

There are two things that bother me most with not graduating. 1. It is unfair. I am not graduating not because of low marks or even a choice of my own doing. I am not graduating because of someone else's mistake. I was told I could be exempted from English because of previous English credits from another institution. The paperwork went through as far as I knew. But upon coming back to school, I found out that the paperwork was lost when someone got sick. When they found out, they realized that yes, I could be exempted, but I would not be able to graduate because I lack the credits. If I had known that last semester, I would have never decided to not take English. Now however, it's too late and I'm forced to make up 4-6 credits with a mere 3 months left.

2. God seems silent. I know this may seem a small problem to you, but yesterday, I fully broke down. I even questioned if I wanted to a follow a God like this anymore. Every major prayer I've said, everything I let matter seems to be stripped from me and left  unanswered. The boy I fell in love with didn't want to be with me, my family is far away and my life looks nothing like the plan I had imagined for it. I accepted these things for so long, I knew God had called me to this place from the moment I stepped into it. But now that I've let this journey matter to me, He has taken away the one thing I've been working towards. I don't know how to work with a God who seems to be so unnecessary vengeful. I can't see through this mess anymore.

Late last night as I raged against God, a few things came to mind. Am I following God because He does what I want (because He owes me for following Him) or am I following Him because I have found there is no one else? I would love to say I follow God solely because He is, regardless of my circumstances. But my heart would be lying if I said that. How can I love Someone I have absolutely no sway over, who chooses to do what He wants regardless of what I want? Why would I love someone like that?

Another thought came to mind, Jesus' love for me is wholly unbound by circumstances. He loves the person underneath all this sin and hurt. He has been faithful when no one else has and He chose to die for me when I was at my worst. And no matter how mad I am at the moment, I know He will continue pursuing me till the day I die regardless if I choose to keep walking with Him or not.

A verse in a book I love says, "...some of His (God's) special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else." (Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis) I don't know why a loving God would act like that, but as I look at the photographs on my wall, I know each one of them has, at one point in time, been forced into deep troughs they would never choose. I know they would never live through that suffering again, but the person they've become would never be without those troughs. They would never love God as much as they do if He had not led them into pain, removed Himself and forced them to search for Him, to learn to truly love Him.

I don't feel like I know how to hope in this (never really knowing how, probably isn't much help). My head is quick to imagine long, lonely summer hours hovering over a computer doing ridiculous English assignments. My heart is quick to become bitter at the unjust conduct I've received, but I still want to walk with the Person who has so changed the people around me. And I will choose to find things to be thankful for, so I won't be overwhelmed by this flood.

Jesus, I don't know how to trust You, let alone hope in You today, but my heart committed to You long ago. I would rather not walk this path and have to fight bitterness and envy everyday, but Jesus, You have shown me what it looks like to obey when we don't want to. Help me to be that person because I don't know how to.

ash

"Even in the smallest places, can a garden grow." Garden by Noah Gundersen

Hope

I listened to a message this morning - I thought it was supposed to be about Christmas. With a title like, "Anna and Simeon: Christmas ..."  it seemed like a safe choice.

I wasn't really expecting what the pastor ended up speaking on: hope. Hope, a word that makes me cringe and back away in doubt and fear. Maybe, I should clarify my feelings about this word. I'm a pessimist ... completely. If you say, "I think you're smart," I'll assume you're saying it to get on my good side. If God says, "I'll take care of you," I'll wonder how much.

Late last night, I sat on my sister's bed talking and finally found words to express how I've been living. I live as someone expecting the worst, so I can be surprised if the worst doesn't happen. It seems so much safer to expect the worst than to be crushed by the weight of hope unfulfilled.

I don't think God wants me to live like this anymore. 

To hope is to have such unshakeable faith that you are unhindered by past, present and future circumstances. It's to know God is good regardless of what anyone else says. It is to wait expectantly for Him to come through and fulfill that goodness in my own life.

Do you know how scary that is? I feel like it would be easier to tread through the Amazon than to hope expectantly on God. To say, "I believe You will come through on this for me and I will trust in that." could possibly the scariest thing I have ever said to God.

But what if He doesn't come through? What if I'm always waiting for Him to act? What if He isn't as good as the Bible seems to portray?

I feel like I need to have these questions answered before I'll be ready to hope. But I don't think God wants that anymore. I think He wants to bump me up to this new level in our relationship regardless, maybe almost because, He has not answered these questions.Do I think this God I've come to know is worthy of me putting my heart on the line and hoping? Is He worth the danger of possibly having a hope unrealized?

Christmas! letter

Dear you,

I'm sitting here listening to Noah Gundersen, feeling a little emotionally exhausted, and in the mood to do something (yes, you're talking to a do-do-doer). So what do I have to say in another Christmas letter, another year passed? Was the year worth it? Did it make an impact on who I'm becoming?

2011 has been the crappiest, hardest, most incredible year of my life so far. A year I would be okay not living through again, but one I'm sincerely grateful for.

If you had asked me at the beginning of the year where I would be this Christmas, I would have given you a far different answer than my present reality. This year began with me seeing a person I thought I would marry. Needless to say, the situation wasn't right and in February we parted ways. In my brokenness, a sort of unknown bravery invaded my heart. The first thing this new bravery brought about was the move to a new church ... which is one of the best decisions I've made. The first Sunday I went, they sang a song and repeated the words, "Though there's pain in the night, there will be joy in the morning. You work everything for my good." I just stood there, cried and let the words soak over me. Jesus always seem to touch my heart in the deepest ways when I'm most broken.

That same night as I was driving home, a car swerved into my lane. Driving at highway speed, I hit the snowy ditch and started spinning wildly across the highway with multiple cars driving towards me. For some reason, none of the cars hit me and my car ended up stopping and stalling facing the wrong direction. Again another car was driving straight towards me while my light were off and I couldn't put my brain together in time to figure out how to get away ... For some 'reason' though, this car also didn't hit me.

When I look back at this event now, I know it was God giving me a picture to clearly represent my life. I feel as though the life I used to have died that foggy day in February, but for some reason I was still living - given a chance to live a new life. And I feel like this has been the story of my this year-living a new life.

Part of this new life was learning, being stretched and challenged in completely new ways in a church with a completely different background than I was used to. I spent so many evenings talking through things with Sammi-my brother. I'm glad you live right beside me!

New Life-Part 2. Switching jobs. After spending almost 7 months working at the walking track and cleaning houses, I felt God gave me the go ahead to jump back into my old job. I've never quit a job to go work somewhere else. I didn't know it could be so unnerving to hand in a two weeks' notice for something like this (I've always had the better excuse of moving and/or going back to school).

Part 3. Applying to and choosing to actually go through with moving 12 hours away to go to University. When August hit, I packed my earthly possessions, said good-bye to my friends and moved into a city where I had approximately 2 acquaintances. First of all as a random side note, I've never had such a crappy move in my life. It seemed like anything that could go wrong did - and in my head, this was the best confirmation I could get to know this new city was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Moving has been a bit of an everywhere experience. I have loved becoming close to a group of people I would have otherwise never met. Though at the same time, I have deeply missed the people I'd left behind. My classes are incredible; I can't imagine taking anything I would love more than this. Though at the same time, I have so missed connecting with the people I loved working with previously. My classmates have literally changed the way I live my life and given me the courage I needed to start becoming the person I want to be. This isn't the funnest experience all the time though - sometimes, change pushes me in ways I don't want to be pushed. But in all of this, I've learned to be bold (well at least more than I used to be :), how to cook a lot of different food, how to be responsible and what a treasure a true friend is.

Throughout this year, I think this last point is the biggest change I've seen in my life. Jesus has proved His friendship to be deeper and truer than any other. He has become my closest acquaintance in the times when I haven't had anyone else to talk to and now is the person I want to talk to when I am able to be around people. He is so incredible. I've never met anyone who has been so relentless in teaching me to be and act out what my heart has been impacted on.

This isn't wholly related, but seems like a good 'ender'. In the midst of the summer, He gave me these verses and I think they sum up what I have already started feeling. "Greater love has no one than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends. ... No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing. Instead, I call you friends ... "(Jn. 15) I feel like I've never read these verses until this year. Jesus was blatantly saying I can't love you anymore this; the biggest thing I could do for you, I've done. I'll die for you because this is the deepest, greatest way I can show you what is in my heart - love for you.

Mmm...just talking about this makes me feel safe.

So you've heard a bit about some of the harder parts, but now I want to finish with the incredible parts.

1. Learning to live with less - so freeing

2. Learning to actually speak my mind when I'm around people I both know and don't know very well- didn't know I could do that

3. Got a cricket for a pet - best 10 weeks

4. Got to meet and renew friendships with the sweetest people -refreshing

5. Ate food from a dumpster -yep

6. Got to support one of my best friends as she married one of the most incredible people I've met -honoured

7. Got to watch Aaron Gillespie and Switchfoot in concert -haven't been that excited in a long time

8. Learned how to drive a tractor and a bunch of ginormous lawn mowers -so scary, but kind of ridiculously exhilarating

9. Got to see one of my favourite singers perform in someone's living room - so awesome

10. Surprised my dad and brother by showing up in a town they were playing hockey in (I showed up at the rink with a sign saying, "I love [insert my last name] boys" and waited for them to see the sign - like a boss

11. Got to meet my uncle's fiancee and her son- wonderful

12. Have been able to spend a plethora of weekends with my grandparents as they live right near this new city - unexpected delight

13. Got twitter and a new phone -my family is relentless in pushing my technological advances

14. Found the sweetest music and have so enjoyed listening to it

15. Went dancing with a bunch of old and random people in a senior's home - kind of hilarious

16. Got to become close friends with an older couple from the community - delightful

17. Went on 3 road trips with Mulroney (my car) and some of the best people I know - surprised both Mulroney and I could last that long

18. Found out I could run a lot farther and harder than I thought I could - empowering

19. Have been able to have weekly phone dates with 2 of my sisters - I feel like I know them way better than I ever did

20. Have seen Jesus change, heal and impassion my heart with His dreams - life changing

Last years' thoughts, todays' needed lesson

I've been thinking recently. Not a new habit, but just the same.

Today, I was burdened...not by the pressures around me, but from the pit inside me. This week I had seen victories and grew proud in the process. Then today rolled around. I was so taken aback by my own sinfulness, I didn't recognize the person I am. How can I claim victory when I am so self-absorbed? Why would God listen to me when I choose who to invest my love and time in and who to ignore and dislike? Why would Jesus give mercy to a person who should already know all of this?

I was wrestling through all of this when I saw an old man crossing the street. He had a severe limp and had trouble even crossing. All of the sudden, he started trying to run and flailing his arms to try and prevent the oncoming bus from leaving without him. I felt so helpless sitting there watching him and to be honest was very near tears at the sight.

"Ash, I made you like that." God whispered into my ear. "Your heart beats that way because I made it that way."

Who chooses to affirm a person who only feels like they need discipline? You do.

"Ash, you are like that man. You have forgotten how fragile you are. You have forgotten how much You need me."

Oh, how my heart needs Him. I am so prone to everything my soul hates. I stumble around like a person in a blackened tunnel without Him. My conversations, my heart, loses its life when He isn't a part of the picture.

And this is what has got me thinking tonight. Is changing less about discipline, but rather about replacing? Replacing my hatred at being mistreated with the truth that Jesus was mistreated because of and for me? Replacing my longing for acceptance with this roaring fire of His love? Maybe change isn't so much about what I need to do all the time, but more about letting His love fully, truly settle into my heart.


Yet as I sit here, I know my heart still doesn't fully know this. I still long for things other than Him and when I'm downright honest, I don't know what all of those things are. One of those things is that I want myself more than I want Him. I want to protect my heart from destruction, keep my life organized and have the authority to say yes and no. I want to be my own boss.

"Oh ash, can't you see that's why I've let you be broken?"

In my utmost brokenness, I've found raging rivers of life. When the very worst thing happened, You worked it together to my good. When I stepped out trembling, You held me the entire way-not letting it be easy, but never letting me be devastated.

Maybe I should continue in this journey of replacing.