Captivating?

Dear you,

So I've been pondering on whether or not to write on this subject all week, but I've decided to go with it for 2 reasons: 1. It's late at night and 2. I feel like other people may feel this way too.

The subject I want to touch on right now is something I have been grappling through, struggling and wrestling with all week. That subject is: If I am never noticed, if I am never seen, am I still captivating? I know this may seem like a bit of a silly subject and I know most of you would quickly suggest the book, Captivating, by someone whose name is very cute (For the record, I have read it), but that's not satisfying this deep question in my heart.

Have you ever liked someone but consistently been let down? Do you ever put yourself out there (or so you think according to your own standards (my version of putting myself out there often involves being normal)) and see no results? What do you do when that happens? Do you continue hoping for a miracle? Or do you latch on to a new person hoping to fill that 'Am I special' void? Or option 3, do you reluctantly drop the idea and wrestle through the void?

I feel that's where I'm at right now (option 3 that is, sorry, I'm a bit tired). I've come to realize again that, yes, I was mistaken and yes, I am still most likely going to stay that way (ie single) for quite some time. But now what? I've been wrestling through feelings of pity, doubt, anger and frustration all week long. Why does no one ever notice me? What's wrong with me? Why are my friends cherished by a special person, but no one ever seems to think I am worth cherishing? What am I doing that makes me so detestable?

At this point, I'm going to insert a story from the summer that God has consistently been reminding me of all week. This past summer while I was gardening for the city, I randomly stumbled upon a flower I had never seen. And oh my word, it was g.o.r.g.e.o.u.s. and I mean gorgeous. I still have no idea what kind of flower that thing was, but it was extravagant and perfect in every way. I couldn't believe I had never seen that flower before, I mean how could I have missed it when it stood out like that? Then a thought rolled into my head, "Is this flower's beauty dependent on your notice, ashlee?"

...Wait a second.

"Is this flower's beauty and extravagance in any way affected by you noticing or not noticing it? If you had never seen it, would it still be beautiful?" The answer seemed obvious so I replied, "Of course."

"Then why do you think it's any different with you?"

I've been wrestling through, desperately trying to make this statement become my heart's truth this week. But, friend (whoever you may be), I've been having such a hard time believing this. I mean how could this be true? If no one ever sees or notices me, the only logical explanation must be that there's something wrong with me.

But what if my logic is faulty? What if I only see 1 part of the equation and there's a whole other side that's not even been touched?

There's a problem though. I can't see that other side of the equation; I just have a very large hunch my calculations aren't adding up to the correct solution. So what am I going to do? Am I going to keep believing a possibly faulty conclusion (i.e. there must be something wrong with me) or am I going to believe something perhaps a bit ridiculous about a flower? A deep, deep part of my heart assures me the later is true, it's just the pieces I see which seem to deny it. 

I guess this is what walking with Jesus looks like. I'm glad You're here because, in case You didn't know it, I love You quite a bit. 

ash