Rapha

So tonight I feel like I'm starting to get it...or perhaps my mind was refreshed into the truth it already knew: it's not about me.

These past weeks, since moving, my relationship with God has been up and down to say the least. For the most part, I have felt distant from Him. I've been trying to figure out the problem, but have had little success. But tonight I think I am finally seeing the problem; my angle of focus has been slightly, barely noticeably, altered. Instead of focusing on the God who lives in me, I have been looking at the me. Instead of being in love with my Healer, I am in love with the healed i.e. myself.

It's not that I'm so worried about what people will think of me and it's not that I need people's affirmation. It's that I have been looking in the world around me for ways to glorify myself -whether or not that includes human affirmation.

And when I'm in love with myself, then life feels dull, listless and empty. I've been longing for life, but I've been too captivated with myself to accept it. And it's ironic because when I am least focused on myself and most in love with God, I am most myself. When I am lost in His promises and letting His love seep into my heart, I am most beautiful and captivating (the things I strive for but can never quite achieve when I'm looking at myself).

The word that kept coming to mind tonight has been: Yahweh-Rapha-the Lord is Healer. Rapha-Healer. Here I sit, not knowing my place in a city that's not my own, far away from the life I love, dirty with the hasty decisions of a do-do-doer and a terrible spokesperson for the cause of Christ's death and the hope of His resurrection. But His name is Healer-the one who makes bitter things sweet.

These are my life verses and I'm going to end with them-they seem fitting at the moment.

But [ashlee] said, “The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”  

[But the Lord replied] “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
   and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me"

For I have loved you with an everlasting love
-Jesus



Jesus, loving You changes me.

-ashlee

Mover

So here I sit in this small, now delightfully cozy bedroom pondering my life and finally gaining the stamina to walk forward in this somewhat unwanted chapter.

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, 

because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."

Maybe, you need some background info. I moved this week-we trekked through several districts, plopped my stuff down and said goodbye to each other. I didn't realize moving could be so tumultuous, not only did the vehicle have minor issues, it also broke down completely and 
we got to wait overnight because the highway was closed. If anything, it was not the ideal picture I had in mind of stepping into another chapter of life. But strangely enough, it was an adventure I accepted with surprising dignity (completely un-ashlee-like for the most part). 

And now that the rubber has hit the road, I'm alone in this foreign place, taking classes and trying to figure out my purpose in being here. To be honest, these days (at least large portions of them) get to go in my 'most awful' album. All I want to do is go home; I can't see a way out and my heart hasn't had that soul-connecting moment that makes me want to stay.

I thought I knew God's call; actually I know I heard God's call-the nasty drive down confirmed it; this is where He wants me and someone else does not. 

Just this past hour when I read the above verse, my vision has started changing. I have been moping, heart-sick and depressed-a shadow of who I usually am. But...what a good word...I can see a purpose being lined out right in front of me. 

Even after a few days, I can easily see  people here that are openly broken-running from pasts that haunt or overwhelm them. And there I come into the midst, Christ's only disciple.
There I sit holding the pitcher of water they long for. There I am connected to the life they need to come alive.

If ever I had a purpose, it is now. If ever I had a clear vision placed in front of me, it is today-no wonder these days have been so wretched.

There is nothing special about me; I am not an incredible disciple. But this God, this being who stays truer than even my closest friend, is placing in front of me an opportunity to be His representative, His delegate, His Signet Ring, to these specific people. I think every Christian is called into this, but I know we get sidetracked building into one another instead of looking out our doors. Oh that we would live up to what we have been called to.

Norway 07/23/11

Dear Friend,

This morning, hoping to boost my ego, I hopped on the computer to check my e-mail. Seeing a lack of mail, I continued browsing through the web looking at the news. And in that search, I stumbled on what has happened in Norway. 

If you are as ignorant as me, this may come as a surprise, but yesterday one man bombed a building full of people (killing only 7 right now) and then proceeded to go to a youth camp where he shot 87 young people. The part that rips into me the most is that this demon-possessed man pretended to be a police officer luring youth out of hiding; after luring them out, he shot at point blank range. He would shoot anyone trying to run or swim away (they were locked away on an island where the camp was being held)-all they could do was stay still and hope not to be seen. 

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to say, what to do. How do you reach out to people across the world, how do you pray for people whose lives have changed forever? How do you fall into God's heart for this? 

Everything reeks of depravity. This is not what He wanted. When He formed the mountains and breathed humans into existence, He longed for fellowship and love to work itself out in action - not this. 

I heard a person once say, "This world sucks. I am going to do everything I can to get Jesus to come back as fast as He can and that means telling as many people as I can about Him." I agreed in theory, but my heart didn't respond with his words. On days like today, my eyes seem to open to reality and all I want is for Jesus to come back purging and making us whole again. 

I have tried to, but cannot even imagine what these people went through. I struggled this morning knowing what to do. Every action I could think of doing seemed too small, too little in the light of what has happened. They don't need my money and a simple prayer seems much too weak. 

I talked to El about it for awhile, or rather let Him hear my heart groanings...I don't think I said very much intelligible thought. And He reminded me of something KP Yohannan said (this isn't exact as it is from memory) "When I see horrors happen around the world, all I can do is fast and pray. And when my children come and ask me why I look so sad and why I'm not eating, I can tell them this is how Jesus feels about the situation. His heart is broken over this and mine is also."

So I think that's what I'm going to do today. I don' want to appear as someone who is super spiritual because if anyone knows this isn't true it's me and El. But I don't think it would be fitting for me to do anything else, but fast today.

I hope our hearts are further moulded into His design today. 

"My eyes fail from weeping,

I am in torment within,

my heart is poured out on the ground

because my people are destroyed,

because children and infants faint

in the streets of the city.

What can I say for you? 

With what can I compare you...

To what can I liken you, 

that I may comfort you?

Your wound is as deep as the sea,

Who can heal you? 

Let your tears flow like a river day and night;

give yourself no relief, 

your eyes no rest.

Arise, cry out in the night,

as the watches of the night begin;

pour out your heart like water

In the presence of the Lord,

lift up your hands to Him

for the lives of your children.

….

Because of the Lords’ great love we are not consumed,

For his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is your faithfulness.

[We] say to [ourselves], “The Lord is [our] portion;

Therefore [we] will wait for Him.

It is good to wait quietly

For the salvation of the Lord.

Let him sit alone in silence

For the Lord has laid it on him.

Let him bury his face in the dust-

There may yet be hope.”

Surprise

I didn't see you coming

Caught off guard and swept in

Lost in that smile

Disappointed to look away

Your laugh, your eyes etched in my memory

Your personality beckoning me wait

Oh my dear, I didn't see you coming

Left scared to reminisce 

Afraid of falling

Don't walk away

6 ways to die in 6 days

Dear Friend,

After an 'eventful' or should I say 'catastrophic' handful of 'near misses' days, I thought I would compose a list for you. Maybe it will be continued, but for my mother's sake let's hope not.

1. Day # 1.  Get hit while trying to cross the highway in a bright red truck.

2. Day # 2.  Get run over by an even bigger truck backing into your bright red truck.

3. Day # 3. Walk over a piece of grass that decides to self destruct and create a hole to China, then continue to drop into the hole falling to death...or China...

4. Day # 4. Get struck by lightening while running across the yard with a long metal pole. 

5. Day # 5. Get mauled by a wolf dog. 

6. Day # 6. Fall asleep on the treadmill 

I hate having to rely on other people. Does anyone else hear me? Whenever I need someone to do something for me or have to ask a favour of someone, they usually cheerfully agree but when it comes down to it, they bail, they make excuses or they make me feel guilty...like it's my fault.

Hmm....really... is it? Should you have agreed to something in the first place if it was such a terrible burden? If you can't do it, please be upfront about it beforehand, so I can make other arrangements.

Thank you...

Your frustrated friend,
ashlee

Constant Leaver

My heart has quickly swung into "leave mode." This seems to happen more often than not these years. My brain swivels in a thousand directions, trying to remember the errands I need to run, people I need to see and changes it need to prepare for.

A few years ago, after a summer of absolute upheaval, I phoned my parents and completely broke down. Through sobs, the ache in my heart came out; I just couldn't keep doing it. I had had too much attaching and pulling apart, too much loving and separating. My heart couldn't bear this life of consistent inconsistencies.

When I went to bed that night, I begged God to bring someone into my life-someone who could walk through these inconsistencies with me, someone I could cry with as we left one life to start another. However, as of yet, God has chosen not to answer that prayer and has instead continued leading me down this path wholly alone.

Is He unjust, does He not care, is His hand too short to keep me from heartache? Though my answer would have varied near the time of that prayer, my whole-hearted answer these days is: no.

In these past few years, I have been led down long, lonely paths. Many aspects of my life are done alone; I go and no one follows, I walk into church with no one beside me and I, most often, go through my nights with no witness to the fears that attack my dreams. But it is this lonely path that has changed me.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -Jesus

Have you ever read something on paper and felt it had a deeper meaning, but been too flustered to capture it? That seems to happen to me all the time and the above verse was no exception. But then this funny thing happened- I was alone. And it was in these alone times, that this verse became my life. When I awoke in the middle of the night so afraid, He came and sat with me speaking peace over my heart until it was calm enough to rest. When I cried so hard my eyes hurt with the pain of leaving, He kissed my ear and drew me close to His heart. When I started down paths of chaos, He took my hand, whispered love and asked question after question until I realized what He already knew. When I felt like a complete outcast and was overwhelmed trying to fit into a circle I didn't match, He made a place for us to be together-a place I always fit in.

I don't know if I'm really making sense. I wonder if you're trying to find the point to this post.

I wonder if you know how much you're loved.

As my heart prepares for another departure, I know its Maker better than yesterday and have fallen deeper in love with Him than I ever knew possible. My prayer may not have been answered in the human sense of the word, but He has overwhelmed me with this response of Himself. I may have days of human loneliness ahead, but I have found a raging river, an overpowering waterfall of life walking these days beside a God I can't get my head around, a King who brings tears of gratitude to my eyes, a Father I long to spend every single day with. I may be walking alone, but I have never felt so at home.

My hope is that this post would be an enabler-enabling you to step forward in confidence knowing that even if no one else follows, a God you can never fully explain will be walking beside you. I know this post is long, but I just want to share one last thought before I go.

A few nights ago, I awoke in bed afraid of the day ahead. And almost immediately, the verse, “The Lord is my rock” came to mind. Now, I don’t know about you, but whenever I thought of this verse I imagined me cowering behind a large rock hoping to be saved from the oncoming army. However, when the verse came to mind this night, God painted a different picture. I was in the middle of the desert and without warning a huge fortress rose up in front of me. Its height went past the Heavens and its width was so long I couldn’t see its beginning or end. Suddenly, a great wind came and I was thrust up the rock face, far above the ground, far beyond the sight of an army below. In the midst of this rock face, a small cleft carved itself into the wall. I was gently laid inside and from this incredible position I was far more than safe from any oppressing army or pursuing enemy. When God wrote that He is my rock, this is the picture He wanted to give-a picture of complete security in the light of His overwhelming power.

Live in the cleft of this rock, and step forward.

-ash