Christmas! letter

Dear you,

I'm sitting here listening to Noah Gundersen, feeling a little emotionally exhausted, and in the mood to do something (yes, you're talking to a do-do-doer). So what do I have to say in another Christmas letter, another year passed? Was the year worth it? Did it make an impact on who I'm becoming?

2011 has been the crappiest, hardest, most incredible year of my life so far. A year I would be okay not living through again, but one I'm sincerely grateful for.

If you had asked me at the beginning of the year where I would be this Christmas, I would have given you a far different answer than my present reality. This year began with me seeing a person I thought I would marry. Needless to say, the situation wasn't right and in February we parted ways. In my brokenness, a sort of unknown bravery invaded my heart. The first thing this new bravery brought about was the move to a new church ... which is one of the best decisions I've made. The first Sunday I went, they sang a song and repeated the words, "Though there's pain in the night, there will be joy in the morning. You work everything for my good." I just stood there, cried and let the words soak over me. Jesus always seem to touch my heart in the deepest ways when I'm most broken.

That same night as I was driving home, a car swerved into my lane. Driving at highway speed, I hit the snowy ditch and started spinning wildly across the highway with multiple cars driving towards me. For some reason, none of the cars hit me and my car ended up stopping and stalling facing the wrong direction. Again another car was driving straight towards me while my light were off and I couldn't put my brain together in time to figure out how to get away ... For some 'reason' though, this car also didn't hit me.

When I look back at this event now, I know it was God giving me a picture to clearly represent my life. I feel as though the life I used to have died that foggy day in February, but for some reason I was still living - given a chance to live a new life. And I feel like this has been the story of my this year-living a new life.

Part of this new life was learning, being stretched and challenged in completely new ways in a church with a completely different background than I was used to. I spent so many evenings talking through things with Sammi-my brother. I'm glad you live right beside me!

New Life-Part 2. Switching jobs. After spending almost 7 months working at the walking track and cleaning houses, I felt God gave me the go ahead to jump back into my old job. I've never quit a job to go work somewhere else. I didn't know it could be so unnerving to hand in a two weeks' notice for something like this (I've always had the better excuse of moving and/or going back to school).

Part 3. Applying to and choosing to actually go through with moving 12 hours away to go to University. When August hit, I packed my earthly possessions, said good-bye to my friends and moved into a city where I had approximately 2 acquaintances. First of all as a random side note, I've never had such a crappy move in my life. It seemed like anything that could go wrong did - and in my head, this was the best confirmation I could get to know this new city was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Moving has been a bit of an everywhere experience. I have loved becoming close to a group of people I would have otherwise never met. Though at the same time, I have deeply missed the people I'd left behind. My classes are incredible; I can't imagine taking anything I would love more than this. Though at the same time, I have so missed connecting with the people I loved working with previously. My classmates have literally changed the way I live my life and given me the courage I needed to start becoming the person I want to be. This isn't the funnest experience all the time though - sometimes, change pushes me in ways I don't want to be pushed. But in all of this, I've learned to be bold (well at least more than I used to be :), how to cook a lot of different food, how to be responsible and what a treasure a true friend is.

Throughout this year, I think this last point is the biggest change I've seen in my life. Jesus has proved His friendship to be deeper and truer than any other. He has become my closest acquaintance in the times when I haven't had anyone else to talk to and now is the person I want to talk to when I am able to be around people. He is so incredible. I've never met anyone who has been so relentless in teaching me to be and act out what my heart has been impacted on.

This isn't wholly related, but seems like a good 'ender'. In the midst of the summer, He gave me these verses and I think they sum up what I have already started feeling. "Greater love has no one than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends. ... No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing. Instead, I call you friends ... "(Jn. 15) I feel like I've never read these verses until this year. Jesus was blatantly saying I can't love you anymore this; the biggest thing I could do for you, I've done. I'll die for you because this is the deepest, greatest way I can show you what is in my heart - love for you.

Mmm...just talking about this makes me feel safe.

So you've heard a bit about some of the harder parts, but now I want to finish with the incredible parts.

1. Learning to live with less - so freeing

2. Learning to actually speak my mind when I'm around people I both know and don't know very well- didn't know I could do that

3. Got a cricket for a pet - best 10 weeks

4. Got to meet and renew friendships with the sweetest people -refreshing

5. Ate food from a dumpster -yep

6. Got to support one of my best friends as she married one of the most incredible people I've met -honoured

7. Got to watch Aaron Gillespie and Switchfoot in concert -haven't been that excited in a long time

8. Learned how to drive a tractor and a bunch of ginormous lawn mowers -so scary, but kind of ridiculously exhilarating

9. Got to see one of my favourite singers perform in someone's living room - so awesome

10. Surprised my dad and brother by showing up in a town they were playing hockey in (I showed up at the rink with a sign saying, "I love [insert my last name] boys" and waited for them to see the sign - like a boss

11. Got to meet my uncle's fiancee and her son- wonderful

12. Have been able to spend a plethora of weekends with my grandparents as they live right near this new city - unexpected delight

13. Got twitter and a new phone -my family is relentless in pushing my technological advances

14. Found the sweetest music and have so enjoyed listening to it

15. Went dancing with a bunch of old and random people in a senior's home - kind of hilarious

16. Got to become close friends with an older couple from the community - delightful

17. Went on 3 road trips with Mulroney (my car) and some of the best people I know - surprised both Mulroney and I could last that long

18. Found out I could run a lot farther and harder than I thought I could - empowering

19. Have been able to have weekly phone dates with 2 of my sisters - I feel like I know them way better than I ever did

20. Have seen Jesus change, heal and impassion my heart with His dreams - life changing

Last years' thoughts, todays' needed lesson

I've been thinking recently. Not a new habit, but just the same.

Today, I was burdened...not by the pressures around me, but from the pit inside me. This week I had seen victories and grew proud in the process. Then today rolled around. I was so taken aback by my own sinfulness, I didn't recognize the person I am. How can I claim victory when I am so self-absorbed? Why would God listen to me when I choose who to invest my love and time in and who to ignore and dislike? Why would Jesus give mercy to a person who should already know all of this?

I was wrestling through all of this when I saw an old man crossing the street. He had a severe limp and had trouble even crossing. All of the sudden, he started trying to run and flailing his arms to try and prevent the oncoming bus from leaving without him. I felt so helpless sitting there watching him and to be honest was very near tears at the sight.

"Ash, I made you like that." God whispered into my ear. "Your heart beats that way because I made it that way."

Who chooses to affirm a person who only feels like they need discipline? You do.

"Ash, you are like that man. You have forgotten how fragile you are. You have forgotten how much You need me."

Oh, how my heart needs Him. I am so prone to everything my soul hates. I stumble around like a person in a blackened tunnel without Him. My conversations, my heart, loses its life when He isn't a part of the picture.

And this is what has got me thinking tonight. Is changing less about discipline, but rather about replacing? Replacing my hatred at being mistreated with the truth that Jesus was mistreated because of and for me? Replacing my longing for acceptance with this roaring fire of His love? Maybe change isn't so much about what I need to do all the time, but more about letting His love fully, truly settle into my heart.


Yet as I sit here, I know my heart still doesn't fully know this. I still long for things other than Him and when I'm downright honest, I don't know what all of those things are. One of those things is that I want myself more than I want Him. I want to protect my heart from destruction, keep my life organized and have the authority to say yes and no. I want to be my own boss.

"Oh ash, can't you see that's why I've let you be broken?"

In my utmost brokenness, I've found raging rivers of life. When the very worst thing happened, You worked it together to my good. When I stepped out trembling, You held me the entire way-not letting it be easy, but never letting me be devastated.

Maybe I should continue in this journey of replacing.

November Entry

El,

I'm reeling; I'm not okay. I feel deceived, hurt and used . again .

I need to see past myself, but right now I feel so overwhelmed, so confused, so ... Jesus, I can't keep looking at the me, can I?

The thought that comes to mind is when A____ found her husband shot dead for following you. You told her, "A_____, see this through my eyes. This is precious in my sight." She CHOSE  to look at this through Your eyes.

Jesus, I'm so hurt, but all I want to do is curl up in Your arms. Only You fill my soul. Rapha. Oh El, I wasn't expecting life to be this hard, but I know You. I know You are good to me always, I know You are faithful when no one else is. I know You are constant when everyone else leaves. I know You know me and I have seen so evidently that You want my best more than anyone else. I am choosing You.

You stay the same through the ages. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Oh Jesus, I so wasn't wanting You to sing this over me again this year.

"This wind is strong and this water is deep, but I'm not alone here in these open seas because Your love never fails. The chasm is far too wide, I don't think I'll reach the other side, but Your love never fails. You stay the same through the ages. Your love never changes. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid because I know that You love me." (Your Love Never Fails-Jesus Culture)

- YOU MAKE ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD -

2010 Thoughts

Why, oh why, are You ... do You love me like this? I suck, my life is full of wrong choices, hurtful decisions and shameful memories. For moments there are glimmers of hope, but I quickly dim them with an act of selfishness.

And this is how I come to You-destitute, stained, ashamed, frustrated and hopelessly sinful. But You with those eyes, those eyes that take a glance and see every piece of my past and present, come close and ask if You can wash me, cleanse me, renew this devastated heart. Lord, how I wish that I wouldn't make it necessary for this to happen again, but my El, how I love being loved by You-how my soul rejoices under Your healing and purifying touch.

Your love eternally binds me to You. Not what I have done for we both know how miserably I fail here, not by my faithfulness for my heart is often captivated by things far less beautiful, not in my strength for the longer I walk with You the weaker I find I am, but by Your love. You, my delightful King, my Teacher of unmatched faithfulness, my closest friend, my Listener as well as the loudest Truth Advocate I know, my Intimate Lover, my song, my heart's satisfaction and life's meaning, oh how precious we are to be loved by You.

With You

I like repetition; I treasure consistency ... but then I started walking through life with you.

I like the routine, I don't mind not being seen, but then I met you.

You have thrown my life into complete disarray. Every corner of myself has been lit up with such overwhelming life all I can do is be swept in.

You are all I want. You are all I need.

Where did you come from? I can't see where we started, but I can't imagine life without you. Life, Rapha, Peace. Names that invoke deep memories. Deserts of agony that only serve as reminders of your goodness in a faithless world.

I have never met anyone who longs for my good as much as you do. Strength in these storms, my crevice in the war, my hope in the midst of a black night, resilient joy in overwhelming pain. My words serve as but a faint picture, a piece of us.

You are more than anyone I have ever met and I would rather be with you than anyone else. I never knew what commitment was until you gave it to me. Love seemed but a trivial word until Yours showed me what it was.

Only You fill my soul. I love being loved by You.

-ash

Glimpse into my unfinished book

Fire turned water

Desolation becoming eternal hope

Bitterness lost in irrepressible joy

But for me,

Life destroyed for death

Hope crushed by vice

Joy slaughtered in lust

How long will You remain silent?

Speak and I will listen.

 Though I wait, no sound I hear

Will your voice forever abate?

Yet this I call to mind

And therefore I have hope

Because of His great love, we are not consumed.

He has promised and will come

Delving streams in the wasteland

Avenging what was lost.

 

Cease striving and know, my soul

Even amidst this desert

He has come

Sometimes

Sometimes, everything I do makes me miss you. Sometimes, I fall into a pit of self-hatred because I don't know what I did to make you leave. Sometimes, I cry because I feel alone without you. Sometimes, I forget only to be reminded. Sometimes, I feel ridiculous that it's taking me so long to work through this.

Sometimes, I am broken again only to be healed again. Sometimes I fall back in this pit only to be lifted out again.

Oh friend, I could never express how much my soul has missed you since you left. I could never explain how many times I've wished something could change. How many times I've examined my heart, body and mind to find what drove you away.

But it's in these times, that Jesus comes ... into these moments where I see how broken I still am. He holds me in truth when I am overwhelmed by these lies pounding me to the ground. He picks me up when I feel suffocated underneath these waves of self-hatred.


I feel so many things that aren't true.

I feel unwanted. But Jesus says, "ashlee, my darling, I want you so much that I died to have you with me."

I feel ugly. But Jesus says, "You are precious and intricately woven together. Your beauty is extravagant not because of people's notice, but because I have made you that way."

I feel like I'm not enough. But Jesus says, "Come into my arms just the way you are because you fit and are loved just the way you are."

I feel like I need to prove myself to the people around me. Jesus says, "Rest. Come to Me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls."

I feel alone. Jesus says, "I will never leave or forsake you."

Your departure has driven me insane; it has broken my heart deeper than I thought you could. But your departure has led to the most incredible life I've ever lived. Jesus has walked beside me, bringing life into my living. Because of your rejection, I have had the strength to try things that scare me. My life is radically different and more extravagant than I ever thought it could be and strangely enough you're the one who started the fire. I wish it had started some other way and that you were still here, but I can't wish those kind of things. I am choosing again to walk in this new life and look ahead instead of wallow in my yesterdays.