With You

I like repetition; I treasure consistency ... but then I started walking through life with you.

I like the routine, I don't mind not being seen, but then I met you.

You have thrown my life into complete disarray. Every corner of myself has been lit up with such overwhelming life all I can do is be swept in.

You are all I want. You are all I need.

Where did you come from? I can't see where we started, but I can't imagine life without you. Life, Rapha, Peace. Names that invoke deep memories. Deserts of agony that only serve as reminders of your goodness in a faithless world.

I have never met anyone who longs for my good as much as you do. Strength in these storms, my crevice in the war, my hope in the midst of a black night, resilient joy in overwhelming pain. My words serve as but a faint picture, a piece of us.

You are more than anyone I have ever met and I would rather be with you than anyone else. I never knew what commitment was until you gave it to me. Love seemed but a trivial word until Yours showed me what it was.

Only You fill my soul. I love being loved by You.

-ash

Glimpse into my unfinished book

Fire turned water

Desolation becoming eternal hope

Bitterness lost in irrepressible joy

But for me,

Life destroyed for death

Hope crushed by vice

Joy slaughtered in lust

How long will You remain silent?

Speak and I will listen.

 Though I wait, no sound I hear

Will your voice forever abate?

Yet this I call to mind

And therefore I have hope

Because of His great love, we are not consumed.

He has promised and will come

Delving streams in the wasteland

Avenging what was lost.

 

Cease striving and know, my soul

Even amidst this desert

He has come

Sometimes

Sometimes, everything I do makes me miss you. Sometimes, I fall into a pit of self-hatred because I don't know what I did to make you leave. Sometimes, I cry because I feel alone without you. Sometimes, I forget only to be reminded. Sometimes, I feel ridiculous that it's taking me so long to work through this.

Sometimes, I am broken again only to be healed again. Sometimes I fall back in this pit only to be lifted out again.

Oh friend, I could never express how much my soul has missed you since you left. I could never explain how many times I've wished something could change. How many times I've examined my heart, body and mind to find what drove you away.

But it's in these times, that Jesus comes ... into these moments where I see how broken I still am. He holds me in truth when I am overwhelmed by these lies pounding me to the ground. He picks me up when I feel suffocated underneath these waves of self-hatred.


I feel so many things that aren't true.

I feel unwanted. But Jesus says, "ashlee, my darling, I want you so much that I died to have you with me."

I feel ugly. But Jesus says, "You are precious and intricately woven together. Your beauty is extravagant not because of people's notice, but because I have made you that way."

I feel like I'm not enough. But Jesus says, "Come into my arms just the way you are because you fit and are loved just the way you are."

I feel like I need to prove myself to the people around me. Jesus says, "Rest. Come to Me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls."

I feel alone. Jesus says, "I will never leave or forsake you."

Your departure has driven me insane; it has broken my heart deeper than I thought you could. But your departure has led to the most incredible life I've ever lived. Jesus has walked beside me, bringing life into my living. Because of your rejection, I have had the strength to try things that scare me. My life is radically different and more extravagant than I ever thought it could be and strangely enough you're the one who started the fire. I wish it had started some other way and that you were still here, but I can't wish those kind of things. I am choosing again to walk in this new life and look ahead instead of wallow in my yesterdays.

Rapha

So tonight I feel like I'm starting to get it...or perhaps my mind was refreshed into the truth it already knew: it's not about me.

These past weeks, since moving, my relationship with God has been up and down to say the least. For the most part, I have felt distant from Him. I've been trying to figure out the problem, but have had little success. But tonight I think I am finally seeing the problem; my angle of focus has been slightly, barely noticeably, altered. Instead of focusing on the God who lives in me, I have been looking at the me. Instead of being in love with my Healer, I am in love with the healed i.e. myself.

It's not that I'm so worried about what people will think of me and it's not that I need people's affirmation. It's that I have been looking in the world around me for ways to glorify myself -whether or not that includes human affirmation.

And when I'm in love with myself, then life feels dull, listless and empty. I've been longing for life, but I've been too captivated with myself to accept it. And it's ironic because when I am least focused on myself and most in love with God, I am most myself. When I am lost in His promises and letting His love seep into my heart, I am most beautiful and captivating (the things I strive for but can never quite achieve when I'm looking at myself).

The word that kept coming to mind tonight has been: Yahweh-Rapha-the Lord is Healer. Rapha-Healer. Here I sit, not knowing my place in a city that's not my own, far away from the life I love, dirty with the hasty decisions of a do-do-doer and a terrible spokesperson for the cause of Christ's death and the hope of His resurrection. But His name is Healer-the one who makes bitter things sweet.

These are my life verses and I'm going to end with them-they seem fitting at the moment.

But [ashlee] said, “The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”  

[But the Lord replied] “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
   and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me"

For I have loved you with an everlasting love
-Jesus



Jesus, loving You changes me.

-ashlee

Mover

So here I sit in this small, now delightfully cozy bedroom pondering my life and finally gaining the stamina to walk forward in this somewhat unwanted chapter.

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, 

because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."

Maybe, you need some background info. I moved this week-we trekked through several districts, plopped my stuff down and said goodbye to each other. I didn't realize moving could be so tumultuous, not only did the vehicle have minor issues, it also broke down completely and 
we got to wait overnight because the highway was closed. If anything, it was not the ideal picture I had in mind of stepping into another chapter of life. But strangely enough, it was an adventure I accepted with surprising dignity (completely un-ashlee-like for the most part). 

And now that the rubber has hit the road, I'm alone in this foreign place, taking classes and trying to figure out my purpose in being here. To be honest, these days (at least large portions of them) get to go in my 'most awful' album. All I want to do is go home; I can't see a way out and my heart hasn't had that soul-connecting moment that makes me want to stay.

I thought I knew God's call; actually I know I heard God's call-the nasty drive down confirmed it; this is where He wants me and someone else does not. 

Just this past hour when I read the above verse, my vision has started changing. I have been moping, heart-sick and depressed-a shadow of who I usually am. But...what a good word...I can see a purpose being lined out right in front of me. 

Even after a few days, I can easily see  people here that are openly broken-running from pasts that haunt or overwhelm them. And there I come into the midst, Christ's only disciple.
There I sit holding the pitcher of water they long for. There I am connected to the life they need to come alive.

If ever I had a purpose, it is now. If ever I had a clear vision placed in front of me, it is today-no wonder these days have been so wretched.

There is nothing special about me; I am not an incredible disciple. But this God, this being who stays truer than even my closest friend, is placing in front of me an opportunity to be His representative, His delegate, His Signet Ring, to these specific people. I think every Christian is called into this, but I know we get sidetracked building into one another instead of looking out our doors. Oh that we would live up to what we have been called to.

Norway 07/23/11

Dear Friend,

This morning, hoping to boost my ego, I hopped on the computer to check my e-mail. Seeing a lack of mail, I continued browsing through the web looking at the news. And in that search, I stumbled on what has happened in Norway. 

If you are as ignorant as me, this may come as a surprise, but yesterday one man bombed a building full of people (killing only 7 right now) and then proceeded to go to a youth camp where he shot 87 young people. The part that rips into me the most is that this demon-possessed man pretended to be a police officer luring youth out of hiding; after luring them out, he shot at point blank range. He would shoot anyone trying to run or swim away (they were locked away on an island where the camp was being held)-all they could do was stay still and hope not to be seen. 

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to say, what to do. How do you reach out to people across the world, how do you pray for people whose lives have changed forever? How do you fall into God's heart for this? 

Everything reeks of depravity. This is not what He wanted. When He formed the mountains and breathed humans into existence, He longed for fellowship and love to work itself out in action - not this. 

I heard a person once say, "This world sucks. I am going to do everything I can to get Jesus to come back as fast as He can and that means telling as many people as I can about Him." I agreed in theory, but my heart didn't respond with his words. On days like today, my eyes seem to open to reality and all I want is for Jesus to come back purging and making us whole again. 

I have tried to, but cannot even imagine what these people went through. I struggled this morning knowing what to do. Every action I could think of doing seemed too small, too little in the light of what has happened. They don't need my money and a simple prayer seems much too weak. 

I talked to El about it for awhile, or rather let Him hear my heart groanings...I don't think I said very much intelligible thought. And He reminded me of something KP Yohannan said (this isn't exact as it is from memory) "When I see horrors happen around the world, all I can do is fast and pray. And when my children come and ask me why I look so sad and why I'm not eating, I can tell them this is how Jesus feels about the situation. His heart is broken over this and mine is also."

So I think that's what I'm going to do today. I don' want to appear as someone who is super spiritual because if anyone knows this isn't true it's me and El. But I don't think it would be fitting for me to do anything else, but fast today.

I hope our hearts are further moulded into His design today. 

"My eyes fail from weeping,

I am in torment within,

my heart is poured out on the ground

because my people are destroyed,

because children and infants faint

in the streets of the city.

What can I say for you? 

With what can I compare you...

To what can I liken you, 

that I may comfort you?

Your wound is as deep as the sea,

Who can heal you? 

Let your tears flow like a river day and night;

give yourself no relief, 

your eyes no rest.

Arise, cry out in the night,

as the watches of the night begin;

pour out your heart like water

In the presence of the Lord,

lift up your hands to Him

for the lives of your children.

….

Because of the Lords’ great love we are not consumed,

For his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is your faithfulness.

[We] say to [ourselves], “The Lord is [our] portion;

Therefore [we] will wait for Him.

It is good to wait quietly

For the salvation of the Lord.

Let him sit alone in silence

For the Lord has laid it on him.

Let him bury his face in the dust-

There may yet be hope.”

Surprise

I didn't see you coming

Caught off guard and swept in

Lost in that smile

Disappointed to look away

Your laugh, your eyes etched in my memory

Your personality beckoning me wait

Oh my dear, I didn't see you coming

Left scared to reminisce 

Afraid of falling

Don't walk away