Hawaii again

Soooooooo cute!!

I went on a long glorious walk one morning and ended up hanging out here for awhile. I decided to put myself into the picture so everyone would know I did not steal all of my pictures off of google.

This was my favourite piece of Hana. This cross overlooks the whole town.

Beyhest place to do a practicum.

Favourite. This one is still in my journal and no, customs did not take it away from me.

More Hawaii Pictures

The beaches are magnificent.

Absolutely majestic

One day, I walked by and saw a bunch of boys jumping off a cliff. I was busy admiring their bravery when an obvious tourist muttered to me, "They must be locals, no one else would consider doing this." My proudest moments in Hawaii came just a few weeks later when people started thinking I was a local.

This is what I got to see every morning when I woke up at dawn to feed the chickens ... needless to say, it wasn't very difficult.

 

If you are not in absolute awe by this, you are probably crazy.

L.o.v.e.

Love, love, love

I cannot express how much I loved taking care of these glorious creatures.

My faithful companion, the gecko.

This picture could be a postcard

This is what "town" basically looked like. Yep, we were living in a pretty small place.

One afternoon, I sat on these rocks and read a book. Ideal seems too small a word.

One of my favourite flowers minus the ants

Hawaii Pictures

The road to Hana

My Home

Yep, I was living in a jungle

Hamoa Beach

I just love this picture ... a lot

Forgive and Lose Your Sight

Dear you,

So my frustration, or rather bitterness, has found a way to seep back into my heart again. I know most people think I'm so spiritual, so put together, this kind of thing shouldn't keep happening. But in the face of life, I am oh so evidently proved a faulty human. I notice when my heart has been cheated, I remember the words, the looks and feelings freely passed from you to me with eagerness one day and petty insignificance the next. I know un-justice and I almost daily bear under unpredictable mood swings of both myself and those around me.

I used to think the biggest hindrance between me and forgiveness was my memory. You see, my memory (for the most part) is quite intact and henceforth many of the petty and significant injustices are stored in a bottle - I pull them out to investigate, replay the scene and allow anger and bitterness to boil over and spill into the rest of my life. If only I could forget, maybe then I could forgive I keep thinking to myself (side note - in one significant life event, God did grant my request and taught my heart to forget).

With an active memory and no signs of Alzheimer's disease in the near future, one would think I was stuck dealing with life here. But a few years ago, my mentor spoke truth into my life that has slowly brought me freedom. (I'm paraphrasing here) "Forgiveness isn't about forgetting, it's about CHOOSING to let go. It's about looking at memories, releasing your supposed right for hatred and choosing not to hold those memories against someone anymore. It's not about forgetting the severity of what was done, but rather choosing to start a new page."

Hmmm ... that seems to remind me of someone I know. Someone I know eternally takes the crap I throw at Him, chooses to let go of His right to hate, even to destroy, and starts a new page in our relationship. What I've done is never minimized, but His almost constant words to me are: "Want to try again, ashface?" If someone could love me like this, shouldn't my own life be a mirror of that very love?

I keep holding up these shards, begging for allowance to let them pierce and do the damage they seem meant to intend - to let the words and looks passed inflict my soul and be caught up in the infection of bitterness. But Jesus keeps pressing into me, He keeps bothering me when I start letting the shards do damage; He loves me better than I love myself. Every time I pick up a shard, He shows up, reminding me of the past, making sense of seeming senselessness and brightening a world of forgotten hope with an unruly, uncontainable life.

"Lose your sight. Stop trying to make a way ahead, stop trying to put the pieces together, trust in Me, not what you can wrap your head around. Stop forcing conclusions from the pieces you can see; there's a world you're nearly oblivious to - let go of these pieces, lose your sight and let Me protect your heart."

Jealous Provider

I have a quote stuck in at the back of my Bible, "The Lord is jealous to have the role of provider in your life."

... I wish that quote wasn't in there sometimes.

You see, today, or rather this week, I have been in freak out/control mode. My finances are quickly fading away and my unpredictable job has proved its unpredictability again this week.

This morning as I lay in bed (after receiving another phone call not to come to work), I started getting mad at God.

"Don't you know I have to take care of myself? Don't you know that if I'm not working, I can't pay these bills and if I can't pay these bills I don't know what's going to happen. And if I'm not taking care of myself there is no one left to take care of me. I have no husband or rich investments I can pull aside when needed; I'm on my own. Why did we decide this was such a good career for me to jump into? Sure, I love it but this whole unpredictable and one season long kind of thing is going to be the death of me."

In the midst of all these excuses and complaints, God continually kept reminding me of the above quote: "I am jealous to have the role of provider in your life." But it seemed easier and more empowering to freak out rather than put my hope in Someone I couldn't see.

When I finally ran out of excuses and steam to keep repeating the already said complaints, I started questioning. "But God why do you allow my friends to have so much stability, while my life is a constant tide of unpredictability? (Okay, in answer to this, this is probably because I have such a roaming spirit that couldn't handle a life of same in, same out every day ... yep, that's probably a huge reason why) And what if You don't come through this time? I know You have come through before, but these seasons have always been difficult and Jesus what if this time is different?"

"Perfect love cast out fear - ... when did you start fearing, ash?"

I had to think for a moment, but I suddenly remembered exactly when. I was in the company with someone else who was in fear over their finances when a whisper came into my head, "Your finances are pretty tight too, aren't they? Maybe you should do something about that or work harder to make sure you can take care of yourself." I remember having a fleeting feeling that I should stand against such a thought, but it was fleeting and I allowed the whispers to settle into my heart.

At this point, I feel like I was given a much better picture of what went down (my imagination is mostly based on what I've read in Screwtape Letters). The whisperer grasped a piece of my heart and slowly started making his way down further and further into its layers. By this morning, he was much, much further than I had ever anticipated. And now the process to be rid of him would be much more laborious than it would have been before. 

But as most of life seems to be, it was about choices. Though the lies the whisperer kept repeating seemed logical and worth worrying about, I choose to repeat verses my head and heart knew were true. And I choose to remember the God who has taken care of me before and dwell on the pictures I had seen on Planet Earth of a God who intricately designed every, single creature and controls every part of their environment so majestically. The thought that I chose to keep putting into my head was, "If God knows all of these creatures, if God protects each one of them, why wouldn't He be able to take care of one measly human? And even if He doesn't, isn't His resume and background worth me testing His character?"

Yeah, He probably could do that.

9 Months Worth of Analyzing

At first glance of this title, you might be a little overwhelmed. But don't worry too much, I'm not going to explode anytime soon.

This afternoon I have been concocting a list of the things I learned and grew through in the past 9 months at school. And one piece stuck out that I wanted to share with you ... dear person that you are (actually to be honest, I could be the only person reading this, haha- oh well :p)

So what stuck out to me? What piece of life have I learned that I think could influence you?

Jesus fights for me.

Throughout this past year, I have gone to extremes. I have always been ridiculously hard on myself, but in these past months, I went to a whole new level. Never in my life have I been as frustrated, hopeless and rashly harsh on my own self. Everything I did, everything I was was strained through a filter of utterly unmeetable standards.

Day after day, I would stack books (at my sweet out library job) and find more and more things to nit pick away at myself. I was too ... everything. Day after day, I would stick books in their place and cry over how much I failed to measure up to my own standards. 

Amidst these tears, someone came forward for me. When all I could see was lies about how little I measured up, Someone stepped ahead of me and pushed back lies with truth after truth of how loved I was. When I felt defeated, He stepped against my oncoming army and fought for me. Day after restless day, He consistently fought my demons and pushed back the darkness that threatened to seep over my soul. Even thinking back to these times leaves my heart still.

Why someone would be so faithful when I was being so difficult I'm not sure I can really explain. But one thing I do know. Amidst these struggles, my sole question became, "Am I worth it?" 

And the sole answer I shattered underneath was, "You are, have been and will ALWAYS be worth my time, my effort and life." (Jesus)

I have never met anyone like Him; loving Him changes me.

Bucket List

So today I have started feeling sorry for myself ... again ... I know, seriously, I would be so okay with this silly learning curve being done with.

Anyhow, amidst my self pitying woes, I have decided to make a bucket list ... or in my case, things I want to make sure I do during this single season of life .

Anyways, here it is:

1. Try at least one ethnic dish from every country in the world

2. Spend some time on every continent (Antarctica is a good idea, but not a firm resolution about going)

3.  Travel and spend time with all of my friends living overseas

4. Learn Punjabi

5. Finish writing my book and have it published

6. Travel throughout Russia 

7. Work at a zoo or aquarium

8. Learn how to take care of and repair my car

9. Become a fitness instructor

10. Learn how to make bread, pickles and other preserves -my eventual goal would be to have most all of my food homemade

11. Get and read a book on weeds so that I can include them in my diet (I only know about a few so far, but most have extremely beneficial medicinal and positive health attributes )

12. Go snorkeling

13. See a shark in the wild

14. Run in a race of some sort (maybe even a marathon if I'm feeling extra ambitious)

15. Get a pet hamster ... and maybe upgrade to a cat when I feel ready for that level of responsibility

16. Spend some time overseas in poorer countries helping greenhouses and food growing operations get started

17. Learn more about biochar and 1. be able to make my own and 2. use it in my overseas greenhouse and food growing operations

18. Watch the entire BBC Pride and Prejudice movie in one sitting

19. Make a cheeseball

20. Start my own garden

I think I'll add more to this later (or update it when a goal has been completed), but this is a good list to keep me busy for now.