Better isn't always easier

Have you ever got something you'd been waiting for and found out it required a whole new mindset and a good deal of challenges you didn't know about?

If you'd read my blog, it would be easy to see that I was struggling through being single and trying my best to live in God's best while wishing I was living anything but the life I had. As the older and wiser know so well, things can change quickly and they did. With no warning, Joshie came into my life and within a year and a half we had started dating, gotten married and had a baby. Both of us seem to be handle change fairly well so we have dealt with it well.

But now that more time has passed and we've settled into routine, new sets of challenges have come up that I never even knew would be a thing.

1. Loneliness - This is one of the weirdest ones, but I think a lot of other moms would relate. Between working part time and making sure my little girl stays on a good napping and sleeping routine, I am rarely able to go out and spend time with my friends. ... which who thought that would be a thing? It is easy for me to get into a funk of either working too hard at things that don't have to be done so I don't have to deal with my feelings or I let myself feel miserable. How do you work through this kind of thing? Things aren't going to change in the foreseeable future so how do you learn to accept loneliness will be a thing, but not be overtaken by it? How do you not feel sorry for yourself and choose to love where you're at with the challenges and the good things?

2. Feeling a lack of freedom - I run on someone else's time schedule. I am able to be out as much as their little stomachs can handle and base when I can go (or even if I can go) on their sleep needs. We can travel, but it's a LOT more work and prep planning ... and with all the effort that goes into it, I'm much more apt to just stay home. I'm learning to take all these things in, but it's been a learning curve that frustrates my "me" wants (not needs) ... which is probably a good maturity step for me.

3. Feeling like I'm not contributing - After being single and living on my own for quite awhile, I often struggle with not "providing" for my and my family's basic needs. I do work a little, but it helps only so much ... and I may not be working at all with a new baby coming soon. I can feel guilty and lazy for not "making money" even though I am completely opposed to the option of putting our kidlets in daycare (I want to be with them). It's hard to learn to let someone take care of my financial needs. I know Josh wants to and I know it's in his nature to protect us in this way, it is just so different from what I had gotten used to. I need to learn to trust and let people ... esp. Josh take care of me.

4. Always having things everywhere - this is another odd one, but after living with just me, I was used of putting something away and having it stay there until I needed it again. Now that, I live with Josh (my sometimes forgetful spouse), 2 kidlets and a baby on the way, I can put away and clean all the time and turn around and find another bunch of things lying everywhere (unless I clean when people are sleeping). Having things everywhere used to be a trigger for me to feel chaotic and led to me not being able to focus, feeling anxious, etc. Although I still spend too much time cleaning and putting and reputting things away, I am learning to relax and just be in the mess. As Josh so wisely points out, am I letting myself be controlled by my surroundings or am I learning to adapt myself to thrive in my surroundings.

5. An intense heightened fear of death/major sickness - when it was just me, I would get sad at the thought of dying or having some sickness come into my life. But the sadness was not nearly so hefty in the light of getting to finally be face to face with Jesus. Since marrying Josh, I have often had to fight through a now intense fear of something happening to me or him ... and now to our kids as well. I haven't come to a conclusion about how to face this other than to choose not to think about it (which may just have to be my solution). I cannot mentally or emotionally handle the thought(s) of Josh and my kids having to try to work through life without me ... and I don't say this feeling like I'm some superstar, I say it knowing there would be a huge, unfillable void in their lives. It's not that I don't believe God wouldn't bring joy into their life and bring people in to take care of them, it's that you just need your mom and no one (no matter how awesome they are) can fully take the place of your birth mom (and I say this as a step mom). And Josh oh man ... neither of us can really deal with the thought of losing the other; I feel like I would actually go insane and I think the same might be true for him too. And our kids, ey yi yi, I actually get nauseous at the thought of them being hurt or having anything major wrong with them ... I get into near hysterics when I think about them not being with us ... So I have been choosing to not even think about death or sickness right now. I don't know how to deal with the thoughts and I don't know what God would do to push this fear out of me; right now, not living in fear means not thinking about what ifs.  ... Is that a long term solution, probably not, but it could be a long term solution until something actually happens.

I love the life I'm living; I love being with Josh and our kids and wouldn't change one thing about what has happened in the past few years. I am so thankful that I get to spend my everydays with someone who I care about so much and I love being able to talk to the same person about all of the random things that happen through regular days. I love waking up and cuddling my baby or hearing my step son learn to read ... there are so many things I L.O.V.E.  I am so thankful to be in this spot, but I was a bit blindsided by random challenges I hadn't thought of before. On the other hand, I now have a physical person with me who doesn't let me wallow and pushes me to work through things whether I want to (which is seldom) or not so maybe the challenges will lessen (or change) as more time passes. We'll see.

already said

J keeps asking me to write … I keep neglecting. What’s the point – everything has already been said. What’s the point of reiterating something that everyone already knows?

Is something left to put down? Is there something different to escape? Do the mountains we face make that much of a difference in someone else’s hike? Is the person I feel I’m losing or have already lost have that much of a voice left to speak into someone else?  I keep reading that I’m a vessel – that my body and life are now just roadways to make someone else’s.  How do you find a medium? How do I find a voice, be a vessel and speak life when there seems so little to say?

People keep messing up – people keep using, sucking life out of the ones around them – there is never end to misery. There is never end to choices to stay in misery or be rid of it, but the misery seems to keep coming all the same.  J keeps showing me that you choose to be a victim; no one puts you in that spot – even if they hurt you … even if it seems logical to be prey. And I’ve been finding he’s right – amidst all my lack of words, I’ve found a deep truth. There is no holding misery over my head, but me. And when I look and cling to a Truth stronger than me, my head holds high when the logical is to be prey.

Is there still something left for me to say? Do you still need me to be a voice when I function on little sleep, someone else’s schedule and an endless need for groceries and meals? Is there someone still here that can give something to you? I really don’t know anymore, but J seems to think so.

Amnesia

Sometimes I sit down and wonder how I got here. I feel like I have long term amnesia. How could I forget the steps and not see the woodworking?

My heart forgets the wonder and mystery and always finds reasons to grumble. It seems easy to laugh at the Israelites who time and time again sinned against their King so soon after He rescued them from utter disaster. But I'm coming to see my story has more resemblances than could be coincidental.

"My sheep know My voice." A sheep who forgets where it's going halfway there, follows the crowd and so desperately needs someone to protect it from every danger around - cliffs, wolves and robbers. A sheep who is stinky, usually dirty and not that terribly desirable.

 I forget where I've come from and stare at the mountains in front instead of taking time to look at the mountains behind. If I remembered where I've been, my heart would grow far less troubled at where I am. Though we don't know the way ahead, though trouble seeps at our feet in different forms, we do know who we are and who our Shepherd is. And though I don't understand Him very much, I do feel His heart and know His voice. And I know He has never let a hurt or trouble come needlessly into life before. Maybe I should trust He wouldn't now.

God, keep my heart from following after the pretty things I see. Keep my heart from fretting over the things that shouldn't have the power to crush. Keep me from the things that keep me from Your face.

 

Pilgrims' Progress

Pilgrims' Progress

Tricycle on the Highway

Tonight, my plans got messed up. I drove home late hoping to make it in time to get a fitful rest and wake up ready for church and a plethora of activities the next day.

As I speedily headed along my little way, I was brought to a sudden halt. The highway was shut down and emergency vehicle lights littered the clear starry night. After the initial, "What is going on over there?" thoughts, my ongoing mindset was, "Man, I hope I won't be stuck here for long. I'm all by myself ... and it's dark ... and I don't want to spend the night in a hotel. I'm tired - will I be able to stay awake long enough to make it home after getting through this?"

I prayed and asked Jesus to get me past myself and know that these emergency vehicles were on the highway because someone's life had been altered. But it was a long wait and my thoughts would drift back and forth between exhaustion and frustration.

When the highway was cleared, I quickly woke myself back up to prepare for a tiresome journey home. But what I saw shattered my plans.

A tricycle on the highway. Between two demolished cars, tires and glass lay a small tricycle on its side. I think the image may be permanently etched inside me. I feel sick even thinking about it.

Someone, a person much like me, has had their life dramatically altered. What may have started as a family trip has ended in pain and most likely death. There is such finality to it. No parent to soothe their child's fears at night, no child to squeal with delight when their favourite person walks in the room ... within minutes all their plans and ideals were stolen.

"All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the Lord blows upon it; surely the people are grass. " (Isa. 40:6-7)

God, don't let me keep playing this stupid game. There is life and there is death and when the end comes there is no second try or redos - that's it. Jesus, let my life be lived out in light of this - not scurrying around doing good activities and thoughtful things, but fully living the way You did - showing people what hope is while there is still a choice. Keep me from being the person who looked in the mirror saw what needed to be done, walked away and forgot - Jesus, don't let me just be words.

Purposeful Grace

I don't know what or who I'm looking for.

I feel so lost. I don't even know who I am anymore; it seems the only glue keeping me together these days is sheer will power.

What am I good at it? Oh, this and that. What am I passion about? I don't even know, but I know what other people would tell you. What do I want? I wish I knew. What should I be doing with my life? This answer seems to differ with every person you talk to, but as far as me knowing, I feel like an eternal disappointment.

And I'm sitting here reading the genealogy of Jesus and crying.

"And Abraham was the father of Isaac"  - Abraham who waited on God's promise for so long and then, in a sense, gave up so close to it's fulfillment.

"Isaac the father of Jacob." Isaac who lied to the king, leaving his wife to fend for herself, in order to save his own life.

"Jacob the father of Judah and his brothers" Jacob who pretended to be somebody else to get an inheritance and ran when he got scared.

... "David the father of Solomon (by the wife of Urriah)"

"Solomon the father of Rehoboam." Solomon who had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. Wives and concubines who "led him astray."

"Rehoboam the father of Abijah." Rehoboam who refused to heed wisdom and chose to heed that which suited his own desires.

The more I look at that list, the smaller I feel. I have  no idea who I am anymore, but I do know grace.

"Joseph, the husband of Mary, by whom Jesus was born, who is called the Christ. "

Out of wholly messed up people, many of whom probably never even knew what purpose their life was playing, came a King to eternally and wholly rescue people from bitter slavery. Each person, amidst their wretchedness, was used like a grand paint stroke. And in all of those paint stroke's unpredictability came something so astounding words fall away.

Jesus who is called the Christ.

My life feels like an utter disaster with no purpose. But my feelings don't define what my life is. Though all I've been crying to God lately is, "I can't do this anymore," what I do know is God is intricately etching my life to fit into His picture. When I finally reach home and see this story without all the fog, I know I will sob seeing His heart and fingerprints sloshed over every second of my life. Knowing then that He was always preparing me for the part I will always play in His freedom song.

Confused Frustration

Is there no middle ground, no path that weaves its way on both sides?

I have been wrestling between calloused commitment and fervent spontaneity. I'm trying to see the life God longs me to walk into and I'm just as frustrated as the day I started searching. Let me explain.

I grew up in a conservative church ... very conservative. I learned the value of being committed to God, doing what was right and worked hard to maintain that standard. I wanted my life to be set apart, not always for the right reasons (I often long for the praise of people), but I always questioned the lack of zwang and newcomers in our church. We were living lives differently than those around us, but our lives, or how I saw them, were not overflowing with life.

Then I went to Bible School. And as difficult as some of those days were, Jesus became ridiculously real to me. He became a sturdy foundation in my steadily changing world and I fell in love with that incomparably faithful companion. There are innumerable people who made an impact on me there and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to express how important that time was in setting a course for my life.

And yet even here in this place of growing and changing, I still longed for an active expression of worship. I longed to be around people that not only knew who Jesus was, were committed  and grateful towards Him, but who were also radically in love with Him - so in love with Him that they were able to express it in more ways than doing the right thing.

When I moved back home, my heart slipped into devastation. In this devastation, I needed to be around people who felt Jesus, actively listened to His voice, and believed that He was still the same God He was in Bible times. I started attending a pentecostal church in the midst of this need and again I cannot even begin expressing how thankful I am.

In this place, I, almost weekly, am in awe of how precisely God speaks to the needs of my heart. I have been brought into a family of people I love more than I can express and I have been more encouraged than I could express being around people who believe in God radically (i.e. He is still very much the same God who performed miracles in Bible times).

Now that you know the background, we come to the problem. In a word, commitment and spontaneity. In this pentecostal church, feelings are a part of worship and I stand behind this. Feelings are a part of us and I believe even they should be directed towards my King. However, when feelings leave, I feel like many (not all by any stretch) of the people around me walk back into the life they were living before. I long for the depth, unwavering commitment and a constant digging into what God's Word really says. This is the spontaneity side.

However, on the commitment side, I am constantly frustrated with the fear. The fear of looking ridiculous when all we should be doing is worshiping our King with complete abandon. The fear of actually taking the God who did ridiculous, unfathomable things in the Bible at His word and living such a life that He is able to do these things in your own life. I long for people to be in wholehearted love relationships with Jesus. This is the commitment side.

Is there a middle ground? Is there people who take the pieces of both sides? Oh how I long for it. My roommate suggested such a thing would be a perfect church and henceforth would most likely only be found in Heaven. :p  ... Probably right.

How do we make our lives the good soil that Jesus spoke of - the soil that allowed the plant to have deep roots and an abundance of fruit.  On the pentecostal side, the fault (in my mind) that one might run into is the seed on the rocks. God's word is received with joy, but when hardships come, with a lack of roots, the plant (i.e. their faith) withers up and dies. On the conservative side, the fault (in my mind) you might see is the weeds - the cares and worries of this life sucking the life out of the plant.

All I want for myself and the church is to have that life that Jesus described - one that hears the word, retains it and by persevering produces a crop. How do we get there?